Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I really need a job right now. Last week at my Monday family dinner thing, we decided to pray and try to listen to what God has for us as to why we cant find a job.

Well, through that i found out that my family has $120,000 in mortgage to still pay off because we keep having to take out equity on the house to pay for our bills. (we only had 60,000 left when my dad's business went under)

Also, my family are shareholders in owning these apartments in PB, and well... through re-doing the mortgage (a friend of ours was going to help so he makes sure we get more profit than we were before), well... he went bankrupt, and we ended up losing $800,000 in the deal. We wanted to sue him, but what is it worth to sue a bankrupt guy?

SO, at dinner last week, I decided that as soon as I get a job, I am going to give at LEAST 25% of every paycheck I get, to my parents. AND I am going to actually tithe every week as apposed to when I have extra cash in my pockets with nothing im planning to buy. Also, I'm going to donate a portion of my paychecks to charity.

I decided that I wanted to be selfless with my money as much as possible.

I mean, I'm surviving without a job, (sort of) even though I was using the money I got from my school grant, but still, it lasted me enough time for my next school year, plus, this year I don't have to buy a new car.

but still.

I need a job, because I'm not going to be getting any sort of money for another 2 months at the least! and I need to pay like $300 for school books!

The only good thing about my family being poor is that we qualify for grants and fee-waivers and such, because my classes would have cost my family $546!!! but instead, since we qualified, they only cost $5!

we are surviving, but we can't keep going like this.

I need a job
I need to provide for my family

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Stressed out!!!

Okay, so at first i wanted to have a huge birthday bash thing since its my 18th bday...

and well

my pessimism made me not because i figured no one would go.

so i decided to just have people over for cupcakes and stuff at my house after Hope For the Homeless this friday (11th)

and well...

me, not counting, made a facebook event and just clicked people who i thought might enjoy it.

I ended up inviting 43 PEOPLE!!!

and out of that 43...

24 people have CONFIRMED and most likely around 35 people are coming...

the rest of the people im waiting on are a few random people here and there, and then a bunch of small group girls.


How am i gonna feed these people?!?

How much is this gonna cost me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

How am i gonna FIT this many people in my HOUSE!

let alone keep them under control!!!

all it takes is Noah or Derek to make the whole party volume turn up. (love you guys)

my parents are going to have heart attacks! or they are going to shoot me after it is over!

oh man and the mess they are going to leave behind!?!?

how am i supposed to keep track of 35 freeking people!??

i mean, i like it cause i feel loved, but STILL!

It already was suuuuuper loud with Tuesday Group and that was like... 18 people MAX and that was on a weird day. average, would be like 7 or 8 people. and THAT was loud.

oh goodness... the testosterone.

i can feel the competitions rising already.

Monday, May 10, 2010


i feel underestimated.

i dont know why i keep saying yes. my natural instinct is to say yes to that question, but my true desire is what i haven't done for a year now.

i think people may have forgotten some things about me.


im afraid i agreed to something that i will quit soon because thats not where my heart is at. but who knows. maybe i keep saying yes because its where im supposed to be? maybe it will be a great, new experience for me?


we'll see.

sorry im so vague. this is mostly a vent post.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I want to be a leader. I want to be a worship leader again. Not just in music, but in my life. I want to input in people's lives. I want to be an intercessor for God. I want God to pour out of my heart and soul because im so overwhelmingly full of Him, and i want to pour my heart and soul into other people's hearts and souls.

I want to cry with someone about their struggles. I want to pray for someone and have them be set free. I want to hear about their problems and give advice and watch their walks with God grow with mine. I want to worship and speak into people's hearts. I want to be an example. I want to be looked up to. I want to be a woman "after God's own heart". I want God to give me gaps so i can take leaps. I want to hear his voice daily guiding me where to go. I want to wake up in the morning remembering dreams from God, or of me being with God. I want God to be so center in my life, so saturated, so thick, so full, in my life that there is no. possible. way. i could EVER forget him. that i could EVER turn away from him ever again. I love being revived, but i dont want to have to be again. I want to stay moving forward. I dont want to be idle ever again.

I am on fire.

My soul is burning of worship and my heart is filling with desire that it is about to explode.
I'm having God withdrawals. I need more worship. I need more of His voice and His hand.

i BEGGED God for ground-breaking faith today. I was begging and begging and begging for God to send His Holy Spirit to just fill my heart with passion and just make me overwhelmed.

I have worship songs stuck in my head. I keep wanting to sing "holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who Was, and Is, and Is to come." I want to cry and laugh and sing and dance. I dont want to sleep.

I always wondered if the angels by God's throne would ever get tired of singing that to God, and now i understand that NO WAY. It is a pleasure to be able to sing songs to God. It is a pleasure to be able to have even just a few words to describe God's greatness to somehow release this passion from within.

Worship is a BLESSING, not an obligation.

God has never been more real, or more beautiful in my entire life. I am so in love with God. I am so sad that some people haven't or even won't experience this amazing, indescribable feeling because they are blind or un- or mis- informed.

I have heard and seen so many stories of people being hurt by the church, or hurt by "christians" or seen so many "christians" being lame. living mediocre lives. nothing special. I mean honestly, not even I would want that if i had never seen anything different.

I wish that people didn't think that people are just christians to go to heaven, or so that we aren't afraid to die, or because it is "what everyone is doing" or because we think we are "good people"

its not about that.

I am in love with my God. I want to live my life in constant communication with Him. I want to meet with other people and talk about what amazing things God has done in my life. I want to encourage everyone around me to keep pressing towards God. I dont even want to think about what could possibly hurt Him.

THAT is christianity.

Christianity is supposed to be passion. love. faith. leaps. awe. worship. a connection. a lifestyle.

Loving God, is the only way to TRULY live.

parties, fashion, trends, celebrities, alcohol, drugs, political parties, wealth, being Hot, having sex, having a great body, being the center of many men's fantasies, those are not even CLOSE to the life you experience with God.

Ah. im ranting.

If anyone ever has questions, ask.

it can be anonymous. if you dont want me posting just give me an email and ill reply.

Ah. I have never been so full in my entire life.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I have laryngitis and I sound like a mixture between a frog, and a gross 70 year old smoker with a hole in her throat.

This is not fun.

I saw superbad for the first time last night.

It was worse than I thought it was going to be.

I kind of thought it was dumb.

It bugged me how unrealistic the cops were in the end.

I feel like it was everyone's worst movie. Michael Cera has done better, Jonah Hill has done better, Seth Rogan has done better, it just was kind of lame.

Oh but hey, im going to try to start reading the bible everyday... again...

but like... not just once a day. like... just on my off time. because i don't really have a life. and i feel like God is better than sleeping my life away.

So i had this plan a while back that i was going to read the bible cover to cover... and well... i stopped in Leviticus... because its just so dang boring! its the same rituals over and over and over and over and over just one slight difference for a certain sin. but that doesn't mean it's not thoroughly explained still.


i got to a place last night where i was able to read it, and instead of thinking how horrible it was, i started thanking God for the fact that we don't have to do that anymore. That Jesus was and is the ultimate sacrifice. and really, i mean... Leviticus is full of different types of sacrifices, so it shows how much sacrificing we would be doing if it wasn't for Jesus.

so yeah.

I'm posting this to kind of keep myself accountable.

I'm on Leviticus 5. or well... i finished it last night so i guess i'm on 6. but whatever.


i'm done with my drumstick. :[ i want more but i know ill feel worse.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

ahhhhh yes yes yes yes yes!!!!! alskfjlsdjflkdsjfweur oisduf o



yes yes yes yes yes!!!

oh my gosh i need this so much right now! my car is dying, i owe my mom hundreds of dollars in books (damn those prices to hell!)


yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!

i dont want to say how much im getting because i dont want to be rude, but its enough for a while!

this is the one of those rare times that it is great to be dirt poor.

Friday, March 5, 2010

This is amazing, and very well said.

I want to look more into this guy's beliefs and teachings and see what he has found. I still don't like capital punishment though just because i feel it's sad that that person will not get a chance to reconcile with God (if he hasn't) or to realize his blindness. but thats just my compassion speaking, i don't know whether it's just or not, but i just don't like it.



Read this. I agree completely!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

American Idol

Probably the worst background music ever for doing homework.

ah. i need sound-blocking headphones.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

You know your life sucks when...

Youve played almost every game on addictinggames.com



I am just a bit confused because before i had 6 followers, all of which were my friends. but after 2 weeks i now have 23.

And most of you seem from different countries.


Followers, how did you find my blog?


Why are you interested in it?


Do any of you know each other?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

depressing realization

I just had a depressing realization.

I havent seen any friends for 2 weeks except for one, just today.

and, only one has tried contacting me.

its really depressing.


Im watching Pretty Woman on Lifetime channel.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


ugh i hate this dream... but i just cant shake it so im gonna blog it and hopefully that will take it off of my mind.

it was a really short dream, but it was enough.

the dream before it was my birthday, we had hotdogs, at first no one showed up but then i invited a few more people and they came, then i had a crazy 50s adventure with a friend's grandparents.... weird.


oh and disclaimer, this blog is not to sound racist, or anything like that... this was my dream that i just woke up from, and doesnt depict reality.

so it starts out kind of surrounding and viewing around and over a taj mahal but not all nice... just a tan building that has those dome things on the top... so it pans around and over, and then finally comes into my brain/life so im seeing what "i" am seeing.
so theres that building, but we were in america. and we (meaning me, a friend who isnt real, and spencer, and apparantly i had a baby? so my baby) were eating lunch at a table outside of the taj mahal ish building.

so were eating lunch and hanging out while other people were eating too, and theres a radio kind of going in the background, and i said "wouldnt it suck if the wall in israel came down right now?" and i have no idea if that is something in revelation or not, but in my dream, hellll would start once the wall in israel came down. (idk if there is a wall)

but so then an earthquake started immediately, and a person that was listening to the radio around us said "it just did"

so while the earthquake is going people are screaming and freaking out and running around, leaving their stuff at their tables just running with their valuables. and i take a look up and i see a plane flying over us but it was green with like... a red yellow and orange circle at the bottom, kind of looking like it matched the cone shaped bomb it was about to drop. (it wasnt a US plane)

so people are screaming "their gonna bomb us!" "oh my god!" "their gonna kill us!"

so right when i see the plane i grab my son and my bag and start running to a place that the army has set up for emergency protocol type stuff...

so im running and i see spencer and my friend left without me and so im running to catch up to them and i finally do and i shove spencer and scream at both of them "You left me!! you actually left me! i looked around to make sure you were with me and you were gone! how could you do that? you left me!"

and then my friend just ran away and i was there with spencer, and he seemed like he kind of woke up from something and started crying and said "im sorry im sorry! i couldnt think" and then i flashed back to when he left and it showed him not being able to think about it, he just had to run.

so he was apologizing and then we ran together to the building and got in line to give our information to prove that we were safe people. but then i saw that everyone that gave their information was getting a shot and i flipped out because it wasnt just a shot, it was an injection into our blood. like on the mid-arm/elbow area where people get blood tests and ivs sometimes... yeah... you got injected there. so when it was my turn, i saw the brownish stuff and the needle (it was huge) so i asked the guy if i could step out of line and just kind of prepare myself for it because i cant handle needles... they were telling me that it was an antidote for if the terrorists try to poison all of us, that we can survive.

so i step out of line and i cant see spencer, but i know hes with me. and so my brother Jackie walks through the line (random) gets his shot and then goes, and then i get the courage to do it, so i get the shot, and then they give me a grocery cart with water bottles in it and a little cup with a peelable top which is the thing i just got injected with, but for kids 5 and under so they have to drink it...

but so the guy gave me the cart because i had a baby (it wasnt protocol, he did it to be nice), so i arranged the water bottles in a cradling manner and put my bag down in it and set my son in there, and pushed the cart through

and then i sit in a room with all these other people and lay down and i hear a radio saying "and they just injected everyone with a toxin that kills like suicide" and so im starting to get super sleepy but i think "oh no, im gonna die" and i think about how i never gave my child the cup... and i hear explosions in the distance and people crying, and it smells musty like no one has taken a shower or washed their clothes in ages, and then i "fall asleep" but really i died... and so its all black, but i hear the radio saying "and they killed everyone so that the terrorists couldnt get a hold of them first."

and then i slowly woke up...

i didnt like this dream... it was too realistic... and i didnt like that it had my son in it because well... i know that i dont have kids yet, and im not even married or anything, but i already love my future children. like i already have a protective feeling over them, and things that happen now sometimes worry me for their well being. so i really didnt like that it had a son of mine in it, in all of that chaos.

and to wonder if maybe he survived? maybe someone else didnt take the "antidote" either and took care of him, and he was able to avenge me and everyone that died that day?

but also to wonder if maybe he survived, but the terrorists got a hold of him and raised him in a hellish way beating on him because he is american and a disgrace to humanity. or raising him in evil ways and turning him into a terrible evil person.


this dream just rubbed me the wrong way.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

my car :[

has been broken for a week.

im surprised i actually survived a whole week without a car! Its crazy how before you have something, you dont feel you really NEED it... but then once you have it and its gone, then you have no clue what to do with your life.

for example.

cell phone. i was one of the latest out of all of my friends to get a cell phone, and i didnt really need it very much, i could use my friend's phones, but now that i have one, and if i leave it at home, or in my car :[ then i am panicking like crazy.

and with my car, ive only had one for a year, but seriously... its killing me not having it!

i have to go to school, and church, and all of the rest of the time, i have absolutely nothing to do.

thats why ive been on call of duty so freeking often. because i have NOTHING TO DO, and nowhere to go!

all of my friends live too far away to pick me up and go somewhere.


and, now that i dont have a job, of course its going to cost me like $500 to just have my DAD fix my car, because i need a whole new distributor because my ignition doesnt work anymore.

and like, im applying for jobs and stuff, but what am i gonna do? my family cant drive me anywhere, so how am i supposed to get a job to pay for my car, when i dont have a car to get to the freeking job!?!?


in a perfect world, a 17 year old girl could ride the bus or trolley alone without any risk whatsoever.


Saturday, February 6, 2010


Pancakes + Syrup + Powdered Sugar + Whipped Cream = a whole lot of sugar, but a whole lot of heaven!

im feelin pretty dandy thanks to that equation.