Monday, December 29, 2008

Christmas

Okay so I'm going to post a christmas eve blog soon but for now I just want to update saying

I HAVE A CAR!!!!
And a new cell phone.
And a wii

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

yeah

i like this thing.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Sumshine

ive had it for like... a year maybe two now?

check it.

weirdest dinner ever.

okay, so right now im eating the strangest dinner ive ever had....



i'm having mashed potatoes from KFC, a biscuit thing with jelly on it from KFC, a piece of crazy bread from little caesers, a banana, and a candy cane shaped cookie.


yeah.

weird.


i dont quite understand it myself, and i wish i could say i have a good reason for it, but i dont.


the only reason i can come up with is, im hungry, everything looked appealing, and im not eating the meat from KFC because my mom didnt get drumsticks and thats the only think i eat from KFC because everything else is gross to me. i dont know why i only like the drumsticks, but i do. well that and chicken strips but my mom didnt get those either.



i could also say im not eating the meat from KFC because they are cruel to their chickens, and then i could look like a nice person.



but then i would be lying.


im just picky, and i wanted these things.

weird.

Monday, December 22, 2008

blogger

ugh. okay, i dont know if its just my computer, but blogger is not changing the sizes of the pictures so they are getting cut off because they are too big. it's supposed to be the same size with every picture, no matter what size they are when they start out.


but anyway, if you want to see whole pictures, just click on them.

a few things

Im in a blogging mood (if you couldnt tell by the amount of blogs ive posted in one day, not my record, but still a lot)

so im going to post just a few things i want to do in my life-time. and preferably while im still young.


i dont want it to be a bucket-list type deal where im actually like... on my death bed, and THEN i get the things done.

so yeah, here's just a few ive thought of recently. (im including pictures, just to make it more interesting, and also just because i like visuals.)



i want to go to or have, a rooftop party someday. in like... the city.




I want to have a surprise party thrown for me someday.




I want to feed/pet/possibly own, a fruit bat. i know i know, weird, but its just something interesting i would like to do. and a fruit bat is the cutest kind of bat, all the other ones are freekin uuuuugly and gross looking, but fruit bats are adorable!



if not a fruit bat, then an owl. :)




if you couldnt tell, i love owls. hah.


i also want to go backpacking around europe




go to iceland (preferably when THIS happens)



and while still in iceland, go to these places.






the first one is called the Blue Lagoon, heres a little thing i got off a website about it.

"Easily the most photographed site in all of Iceland, The Blue Lagoon is perhaps the most supernatural looking body of water on Earth. Descriptions of its waters range everywhere from “the same color as the new Gatorade drink” to “frosty blue.” Though the latter term may sound good, the water in the lagoon is anything but “frosty.” The temperature in the swimmable area averages about 40C (104F), and the soothing, mineral-rich water is rumored to have curative powers.

Though the lagoon looks like something born from Iceland’s otherworldly landscape, it is actually man made. It was created by run-off from the Svartsengi power plant, which pumps up the geothermally heated water from a full mile below the surface. After being used to generate both heat and electricity, the excess (which is absolutely clean) is ejected into the lagoon."



yeah..

pretty much a huuuuuuge jacuzzi!?! that sounds like my kind of place!


if i think of other things then i will make another post, but for now im done.

Someday You Will Be Loved

So last night i was driving home and i was listening to death cab, and the song Someday You Will Be Loved came on, and i started getting emotional, so luckly that happened like... right before i got home, so i stayed in the car and just listened to the words and let them sink in, and i realised it felt like it was a letter from my future self, to my "past" self (well... present).


so im blogging the lyrics

"I once knew a girl in the years of my youth,
With eyes like the summer: all beauty and truth.
But in the morning I fled; left a note and it read,
"Someday you will be loved."

I can not pretend that I felt any regret,
'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend.
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread,
Someday you will be loved.

You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved.
Like you never have known.
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

You may feel alone when you’re falling asleep,
And every time tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet.
And someday you will be loved.

You’ll be loved, you’ll be loved.
Like you never have known.
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.
Someday you will be loved."


so im going to explain it a bit, so you understand how it applies.

the line "in the morning i fled, left a note and it read, someday you will be loved" is kind of like... my future self coming back to now, leaving me a note (the song).

and the line "I can not pretend that I felt any regret, 'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend." is kind of how i feel, like i dont really regret anything, even things that really hurt, because i know that if i havent learned from it now, i will learn from it later, and will be okay again.

and the line "and the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams, just a series of blurs like i never occurred" i imagine the memories being the ones of my loneliness, and hurt-filled self. and i mean i can imagine them being just a series of blurs, because usually when your happy you dont feel or imagine pain as sharply as when your actually engulfed by it.

so yeah.


i really like this song....


a lot.


oh and, ive kind of forgotten how good death cab is. and i actually listened to whole songs from that CD without having to force myself.


i think im, slowly but surely, coming back to life. :D

hah

Brian Berry and his blogging made me want pizza now.


like... an intense craving.


thanks a lot. ;P


(just to clarify, he posted a blog about online ordering and customizing your own pizza from dominos, i went on the website to see how it works... yeah. intense craving)

Drawing/painting

I drew a little today,


just 2 pictures.


one of some friends of mine (just a copy of a picture i had)

and my tree in my backyard.


i wasn't going to start making stuff up quite yet.


i needed to get my creative juices working again. dust off that un-used area of my brain. i haven't drawn or painted (legitimately... non-doodles) in like... a year... maybe more!


so it was weird, but i loved it. it felt so right doing it. i felt refreshed, i was focused, i definitely need to do some fine tuning to fix what techniques I've forgotten or messed up, but all in all it was good. i think I'm going to draw again tomorrow, maybe actually try putting my imagination on paper this time. of coarse ill have to start with just free handing something around me just to get my brain in the right mode, cause its still unusual to do for me. but hopefully something good will happen tomorrow with my sketchbook.


im anxious to see what'll happen.

Are you kidding me?!?

I must have something wrong with me or something because im sick....


AGAIN!

this is what, like, the 4th or 5th time ive gotten sick THIS SCHOOL YEAR!!!??!

ugh.


its bugging me so much! i hate being sick.


so being sick 4 times in like 3 months?!? ugh its annoying!


and also

christmas is in 3 days :[


christmas EVE oh man, im singin for it! and if i get any worse it will ruin my voice!


ugh

keep me in your prayers pleeeeeeeease!


i thought i was nervous before?!? psh. this is like 10x worse. before i was healthy! i had control over my voice! but now. oh man, its up in the air.


God please help!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

2 Twilight themed things. (not about twilight itself)

The actor that plays Jacob Black in Twilight, (and also Sharkboy in Sharkboy and Lavagirl, and just an overall attractive person.) Taylor Lautner, has a myspace.




and no its not some scammer person acting like them just to get a bajillion friends, but its actually him.


its on his website that he has a myspace, and the link to it.


so i added him

and he accepted (duh, he probably has like 20,000 myspace friends)


but so it made me happy hah. just cause i felt cooler being that much closer to that life. (movies, fans, celebs, etc.)




on the 2nd twilight themed thing,

i wanted to post pictures of La Push, for all my lazy friends who dont want to look it up on google, or i am unable to show them personally.









yeah i wanna be there.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Idle

So lately my days have been.... weird... i cant really think of a better word, but they have just been weird... I go day by day doing the same thing (for the most part,) i mean every day is different, but the same.


school, God, friends, food. not much difference.

mondays- school, food, friends, God.
Tuesdays- school, food, friends, God.
Wednesdays- school, food, church/friends, God.
Thursdays- school, food, church/friends, God.
Fridays- school, food, church/friends, God.
Saturdays- food, friends, God.
Sundays- church, God, friends, food.



i mean... so routine! sure when im with my friends we do different things, but still... its routine!

even music has become boring to me! when i listen to i-tunes i cant find a song i want to stay on. its never like an "ooh!!! this song!" its always just like, oh this is a good song, *pass*. in order to listen to a whole song i have to hold myself back. i just want to listen to the beginning or the best part of the song, and move on. the rest of the song isnt worth it to me anymore.


maybe thats how i am with life. except IM not forcing myself to not skip anything, Time and God is. i HAVE to listen to the whole song.



i feel like my life is idle right now. like... the desert of my life... where theres not much going on, but soon will be? i dont know... im kind of afraid of how inside i am sometimes.


sometimes i dont let myself fully experience something. i just stay inside myself and watch from my little body-shell, but me, the real me, is inside curled up, and my body just nods and smiles and laughs at the appropriate times so my cover isnt blown.



i need to start figuring out how to put on my body again, (imagine the real me, sitting curled up inside my body, and then when im ready to be free, i stand up and kind of put on my body like a coat and walk around in it)

i dont know.

Something Nicholai said one sunday when he was teaching, really got to me. he said when he feels like he needs to come back to God, he does the last thing God told him to do.


well.


im going to try that.

this may sound weird, but for some reason God wants me to start painting again. i feel like only then will i actually be me, body and soul, instead of hiding curled up inside of my body.


i dont know if im making any sense at all, because im kind of writing the blog like... in my head, and i dont know if im typing everything im thinking i should type.


my soul is bad at explaining things.

but yeah, thats probably why things have been "wierd".



i just realised, i think i have the start of the same thing a friend of mine has been struggling with for like a year.

hmm.


ill have to see if painting works for me.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Forks/LaPush

Okay, so i admit im a huuuuuuuuuge twilight fan.... and well i saw the movie, and i found that Forks (where bella moves to) and La Push (a beach that is also in the books/movie) are real places, so in the movies i saw that they were BEAUTIFUL! so i looked them up, and found that Forks has the most rainfall in the US so thats why its cloudy, and theres the Hoh forest which is beautiful,


and La Push! oh my gosh! La Push is sooooooooooo beautiful! theres like islands like a mile away from the beach that you can see, and mountains behind the beach, and like... on the edge of the sand is a forest, its soooo pretty!


ive decided sometime in my life im going to visit those places. like... for a week. maybe even 2. and the Forks Motel (Hotel? i forgot which), has a jacuzzi suite, and its just $150 with 2 bedrooms and 3 queens, not too shabby! i just want to try out a place thats like... the opposite of SD. instead of like lack of rain, lack of clear sunny skies. and instead of being hot all the time, being cold all the time. and also where its NORMAL to be extremely pale. ha.


i want it.

i actually looked up directions from my house to the Forks Motel, and its a 21 hour drive. (wow...) road trip anyone?


of coarse im not going to go when im 16. but maybe one summer once me and pretty much all my friends are graduated. which wouldnt be till im like... 19. i just want to go when im still young. still underestimated kind of. still looked at as the CURRENT generation.


i suggest you look up on google La Push, WA. so pretty!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Singing

Its crazy how like you try singing a song and you cannot for the life of you hit a lot of the notes, and then randomly God's like, bam, you can sing it now!


yeah, that kind of happened to me this week.


i was learning a song that im singing for christmas eve, and i was freaking out because i had no idea how i was supposed to hit the (probably) most important notes.


and well, then one time i practiced it, and could hit them all! exactly how the original singer hit them! and i was like, whaaaaaa?!?! how did that happen?!! i dont know.


im excited for this song.


EXTREMELY nervous (as always) im probably going to have to bring like a paper bag with me because its highly possible that ill hypervenhilate.


its crazy how scared i am EVERY TIME I SING in main service. like i always get the shakes, get breathing issues, i bite my nails, get fidgety before going on stage, etc.

probably because everything is perfect in main, and the christmas eve service is like, a pretty big production with our church... so im extra scared.


ahh!


but i still am excited to sing this song just because i cried the first like 4 times i heard it. i reaaallly hope i dont cry on christmas eve though, and well... if God's just gonna have me cry, then i REALLLLLLLLLLLLY hope that it doesnt screw up my voice, because well... im fine with crying, just as long as it doesnt effect my voice.


i mean ive cried playing worship in encounter before, and i was okay, but this song, i cant afford to screw it up by my emotions hah.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Hectic!

Thats probably the best word to describe this week right now.


Ahhhh!


i also had 2 weird dreams last night... or well not last night,



its weird because the weirdest dreams i have are the ones that happen while im snoozing.


so in that 9 minute span, my mind comes up with these crazy stories.

weird.


ahhh i hope i dont get super stressed today, and that everything goes perfectly! timing, my dress, the band, my hair, everything. just like... amazing.



i really just dont want to be stressed today.

Please God, calm me.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Playlist pt.2

so here are the songs, not in any particular order, except im going to group them into how they apply.

Friends:
A Little Help From My Friends - Beatles (across the universe version)
Dear Prudence - Beatles

Boys:
If I Fell - Beatles
You have my attention - Copeland
I Will Posess your heart - Death Cab For Cutie
Someday You Will Be Loved - Death Cab (very much the song of me right now)
Got me goin crazy - Jonas Brothers
The Way I feel Inside - The Zombies

Instrumentals:
Outside/Violin Solo - Aphex Twins
Cello Suite 1 - Bach (performed by Yoyo Ma)
Claire De Lune - Debussy
Staralfur - Sigur Ros (i know its not instrumental, but they're speaking Icelandic so its instrumental to me hah)
saeglopur - Sigur Ros
hoppipolla - Sigur Ros

Life:
Boston - Augustana
Don't Worry, By Happy - Bob Marley
Fix You - Coldplay
Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
The Ghost of a Good Thing - Dashboard Confessional
Passenger Seat - Death Cab
Break The Same - MuteMath
Stall Out - MuteMath
Lonely Day - Phantom Planet
In Our Darkest Hour - Phantom Planet
Breathe Me - Sia
pretty much the whole soundtrack to Once

God:
Shadowfeet - Brooke Frasure
C.S.Lewis Song - Brooke Frasure
All I Can Say - David Crowder Band
You'll Come - Hillsong United
Where The Love Lasts Forever - Hillsong United
There Is Nothing Like - Hillsong United
Beautiful Lord - Leeland


Thats it for now, i'll put more up later.

Playlist

So im makin a playlist on i-tunes of songs that are like.... very me.


either speak a lot into my life, or describe how i feel, or how my soul feels,


i'll list them later,


but im kind of excited to make it because i feel like i might find myself a bit more, through those songs.

:]

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Crash

Warning: this is kind of a bit of a disturbing message, ill warn before i say the disturbing stuff so you can skip over it, but its just sad.





So a jet crashed in Mira Mesa the other day, (i think maybe yesterday? hard to tell with me nowadays) but so it turns out, it crashed into the house RIGHT NEXT DOOR to my grandma's house.


like..

right next door.

one house over.

her house is on the news constantly, she has been on the news, its crazy!


Warning... a bit disturbing vvvvv
its kind of interesting how my family has experiences with plane crashes in the neighborhood, like the 2 planes crashing in mid-air and plane parts falling from the sky, yeah, that was in my neighborhood, walking distance.... like.. maybe 5 minutes? like 20 seconds in a car. yeah, first time i'd ever seen a dead body, wont forget it thats for sure, it was like some crazy attack just happened, everyone crying or in a daze, walking out of their houses to a mess of metal, craaaaazzzyyyy,


anyway


and i didnt hear much of the details until tonight...

i mean i already knew that the pilot was safely ejected and landed, and isnt harmed, and i didnt really think about the house it ran into so i kind of just brushed it off like a crazy mis-hap...


and then i heard about the family who's house it was.

Warning, also disturbing vvvvv
There is a man, i dont know his name, but it turns out his wife (known for 4 years,) his 2 children (still babies) died.


that seriously just crushed my heart to pieces.


i almost started crying right on the spot, but i was there with my brother and his 2 friends and we had just been making fun of the captions for the news (they are live, so they mis-type like CRAZY its hilarious) and then it got to this story and we stopped and just watched, so i didnt really want to cry at that time, but if i was alone i definetly would have started bawling my eyes out.


thats so sad


but the crazy/cool/sad/weird thing is they are christians, and the husband is good enough to pray for the pilot, even as he just lost 3 family members.


that is amazing.


i want to go to the guy and just give him a hug and never let go. and just be like "i know God cant physically hug you, but I will for Him." even though i know God can do anything, blah blah blah, but i mean... how many times do you hear of people hugging God.

you cant even see God without dying. i mean. come on now. hugging him? that will be like... dying 10 times... at the same time... hah


try that one on for size


okay enough


pray for this man and his family, and for protection for him from Satan, and also more jets.
and the pilot to not feel guilty, and for him, if he isnt saved, to be saved.


and for the unknown things that didnt make in on the news because it wasn't heart-wrenching enough in their eyes.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Christmas vs. Clean Water. Malaria vs. Cancer?

Okay, so lately ive been fuming inside about how much the clean water issue, and malaria issue, has been bugging me.


I hate issues that are so able to be taken care of, but arent.

Let me just say the sentence that started this anger.

$450 billion is being spent on Christmas EVERY YEAR!!!!

and do you know how much it takes to supply clean water for the world?

10.

10 billion.

that is 1/45 of the amount being spent ever year on one i guess, month, because Christmas is celebrated all month.



i mean come on!!!!! people are dying EVERY DAY because not enough people know about it, or give money to help, but somehow $450,000,000,000 is available to be spent on Christmas!


sdjklfsdlfksdlf it seriously just ah i dont even know the words to express what it does inside of me! sdlfkjdslf grrr.


AND Malaria!


ITS FREEKING CURABLE! we have the cure for it! yet people are still dying from it! not because the cure doesnt work, but because they dont have the access to it! because either its too expensive, or just not in their reach.


WHAT THE HECK!!!!!


I say Cancer, because when i think of the cure for malaria i think of the cure for cancer, and i feel like something is wrong with this picture.


yes, cancer is TERRIBLE i mean, my grandma died of cancer, i know people who have cancer, im totally not belittling cancer at all!


but honestly!


all these fundraisers are happening for the cure for cancer, but for something we already have a cure of, people are still dying from.


i mean,

why try and discover a cure for something, when were not using our resources to help people not die with the cure that we already have!


ugh! come on!!!!!!!! this is freeking ridiculous!


and once again this brings me back to wanting to get my life started,

because with the life that im aiming for, i would have access to making a difference in a big way,


i feel like the start of the resolution for this is awareness! i mean, duh.

if i could just have access to some air-time, i feel like a ton of progress could be made.


if i could just speak at some big seminar, some progress could be made, i mean i just need to get the word out!


i want to like wear a shirt everyday, or a sign or something everywhere i go that says

$450,000,000,000 spent on Christmas alone,
$10,000,000,000 needed to save thousands of lives with eliminating the need for clean water,
Change the world.


or
Cure for malaria- available
Cure for cancer-unavailable
so why are people still dying from both?
Change the world.



ugh


me and my far-fetched dreams.

Tomorrow

So, just now, i posted a blog about how God told me about the whole your life is gonna change tomorrow thing, and how i was searching all day for what it could be,

and well, ive decided i like living like that, figuring out where God is in that day, and how he is messin with things in my life to get me to where i need to be, pretty much living life, aware of my surroundings, aware of the changes, and not taking for granted anything that happend that day because it could play a part in the "change" that will make my future my own.


i dont know,

just thought i would add that.

Questions

Ive been questioning things a lot lately,

my thoughts, my motives, whether im hearing God or just myself, my wants, my needs, my taste in certain things, my talents, etc.


a lot of why's, and what's.

like, what am i thinking, am i really thinking that from my heart or just lying to myself, why am i thinking that,


or motives,

what are my motivations, why am i motivated by them, am i really motivated by those things? or is there something else.


i think you get the jist of it.

its been weird, and i havent really been getting a lot of answers, and its kind of ironic because right now my church is doing a series called "Dear God" where you send in questions that you want to ask God, and then they teach about it.


well,

i didnt send in anything because i didnt know what i would write, and now i have all these questions, but none of them are really able to be answered from a church service, they are all like a battle in myself, for my own personal experiences, and not like a global thing,


like this week was why is there suffering,

yeah ive wondered that and the service was great! and deeeeefffffffinnneetly needed that day, (ill elaborate later) and i got some questions answered with that,


but those arent the ones that are nagging my brain,

they are all the ones of myself, my own personal mind, so ive been praying every night to God, asking for help with things, and trying to listen (failing, because i get tired and want to sleep, the downfall of doing it right before bed) and of coarse, he doesnt shout at me, he doesnt tell me a whole paragraph long reason for why certain things are that way, or a big long speech about what im supposed to do,

he gives me like one sentence every like... 2 weeks, and i try and like... dissect it and figure it out and search in my life for how it works, and applies, and such.


like for example, one week i got a sentance of him saying (as i was asking for guidance) "Keep going on the path your on. it will take you 'there'" i know what "there" is, but i was like trying to figure out like whats my path? where am i going? all of the things im doing are like depending on different things i have to make decisions about and i cant make up my mind because i need guidance, but the only thing i have is keep going, so then i just make a circle, so i just decided, keep going, with school, finishing school, graduating early, trying to get a job, saving money, pretty much just keep living in this year. and stop trying to fix things for the upcoming years.


and then the other day i got the "your life is going to change tomorrow, your future will start" and like... i understand what He meant by "future will start" but the change i didnt understand! it messed me up this weekend because i was trying to figure out like, what is this change, will i notice? should i be searching, will it be evident? what is it? when will it happen? is this it? and well... now its after the "tomorrow" and i dont feel any different, i dont understand how my future has started, i just dont get it.


maybe it was the people ive met, the issues i talked about with friends, the differences in the normal routine i have,


i dont know.


but hopefully this is one of those things that i can look back on and know EXACTLY what that change was, and know "yeah, im in the future of my past, and that is how i got here"


yeah. so im still screwed up from the sentences God has told me, but im just gonna keep going.

ugh procrastination/registration

Okay, so im a procrastinator for sure, and well... i was supposed to register for classes like.. last month, but first i didnt know what classes to take, and when i would remember to sign up the registration thing would be closed, so finally after a month of forgetting, i tried signing up for classes,


well

English, fine, still room, fine, EXCEPT i havent turned in something? that i need to register? so im like what the heck!
so i still cant register

but also
ASL, the class/professor i wanted, is full, so the only way to have that professor, is through another class at a different time, BUT that interferes with English!!!! ughhh! and then! the only teacher available for a time that doesnt interfere with English is the one with the worst reviews (from ratemyprofessor.com) that i actually wrote "no" next to her name in the class schedual!



ughhhh


stupid procrastination!

its screwin me up!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Photoshoot

okay, so let me start off saying i was REALLY WEIRD YESTERDAY
not in a good way, and not in an annoying way.


i was just like... randomly depressed and extremely lonely,

so when me and my friends were taking a group photo (for no reason) i kept refusing and was being lame, and i didnt really know why.

but today i had a photoshoot and it was fun,

yes.


photoshoot.

yes, me. the girl who refused to take ONE group photo, had a photoshoot the next day.


BUT

i really enjoyed it, especially because when i was younger i wanted to be a model (watching America's Next Top Model every chance i could) and i really wanted to be on that show, but then i changed my mind because i didnt want to be in that scene, like HAVING TO BE SKINNY like... ALL THE TIME and being pretty much anorexic, and also like... pretty much naked. yeah i dont want that.

so i decided not to be a model.

BUT

being a rockstar/actress where you take a bunch of pictures for like CD covers and stuff like that. then i could have some modeling in there.


so that would be sweet


which is why i REALLY WANT TO GET MY LIFE STARTED!!!


but last night, as i was doing the dishes (for some reason thats like, Jesus moment for me all the time) and i was talking to God, and he said that today was going to be "different" and the "start of my future" and i asked him what it means and he said that ill find out,


so im searching for what that means, and i hope i will actually find it.


future, here i come! hah

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Patience

I definetly need a lot more of it. well i guess okay no... i dont...

i just would LIKE a lot more of it, because im tired of waiting, and because i KNOW im going to have to continue to wait, i would rather not care anymore.


so i need patience,


but thank God he started teaching me that lesson at OGN this summer, because i dont think i would be able to stand it this time.


I know im being vague, and you dont know why i need patience, but its just for a lot of different things, not all good reasons for being impatient, or good things for me to have right now that im needing to wait for, but just to name a few,


boyfriend,
career,
graduating,
more confidence (i know it seems weird to be "waiting" but its complicated)


im waiting and waiting for my life to start, and i want to start, but have no idea how.


ive been praying for guidance for a while now, and now i need to pray for patience because im not getting the guidance that i want i know im getting what i need, but not wat i want


This is the life i would LOVE to have.

Live in LA, in some crazy cool house/condo/whatever with rad people,
Play music of mine and actually LIKE my songs,
Record a great CD with every song being amazing,
Be on Disney Channel and be a role model for young girls,
Have a group of people that i meet weekly to have an intense worship night/connection with God,
Have a boyfriend (joe jonas?) who joins me in most of those things (when available),
Go on tour (with boyfriend?),
Fly to a ton of places,
Start or Help an organization (possibly to try and raise money/awareness about clean water for the world, or malaria),
Sponsor like... 134892374928347 kids,
Possibly teach younger people about God and my faith,
Do the things im unable to do because im tied down from money/access.



I can do it. I know how i am, i know im completely capable of doing those things and still be with God and praise him and have a connection with him,


but all im getting from God right now is to keep going with what im doing, the path that im going on, and finish what i need to finish and i will eventually get where i need to go in order to start my future. if that makes any sense.


but,

im impatient. i know thats all i need to hear right now, and all that God will tell me right now, but im impatient.


God help me.

Friday, November 28, 2008

April

Sometimes i forget about how great of a sister i have. Not because most of the time she's terrible and i forget because of that, but because she is out of the house and i dont see her much anymore. She's loving, caring, motherly, and has a servants heart.


which brings me to this.

I have my liscence, as you probably know, and my sister heard about how i cant drive the cadillac alone because its the car we're relying on, and if i got in an accident (me being the most inexperienced driver) then there goes that car. Well when she heard about that she felt bad for me so she arranged for me to drive her husband's 2007 Dodge Charger around for a day!



it's black like that too. (yeah, thats what happends when you work in the Border Patrol)




AND she lent me HER car one day when she was out with my mom for a night and didnt need it. and i got to drive that by myself :]



not as flashy, but still. (Nissan Maxima... like 1987 or something)



AND THEN! last night i was just half-joking around saying "anytime you dont need your car, call me up" and so she went over to her husband asking if he was going to work "tomorrow" (today) and he said that he was just going to make a jump for his quad. and so all in all, she let me have her car, all of last night, and over night, and it's still at my house, ready for use.


she get's her car back, when I PICK HER UP in Jamul! and drive her over, for both of us to go shopping! (the way that i got her car, and she was able to get home, was she came over for thanksgiving early, and then her husband came later with his charger, so they had 2 cars at the house.)



my sister is so nice! sometimes i cant stand it (seriously) but other times i cant believe it!


even though my sister doesnt read my blog,


Thank you April!!! so much!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Yesterday=no life

So, late monday night my brother comes home with the book Twilight, and well we both have been wanting to read it, so i thought "hey, i have to stay later at school tomorrow and i will have nothing to do or read" so i asked him if i could borrow it at school...


little did i know that once i started reading it monday night, that i wouldnt go to bed until 3:00, and also start reading it again before i got out of bed, AND on my way to school, AND in class (during break and before class), and of coarse when i wanted it, while i was waiting at school for an extra half hour. and then i read it in the car on the way to a friends house to drop of some papers and then in the car on the way back, and then once i got home i instantly went on the couch to read, and i read no joke for 5 hours straight!!!! and then tuesday group started happening, and then after tuesday group was over (and a little during because we had a small group and all we did was chill this week) i started reading again (around 9ish) until 2:00!!!!



but...



i finished the book! so now i know, in order to finish about a 530 page book, i need about 12 hours.


but!


i wasnt reading all day because i was obsessed (even though the book was SO GOOD) but because my brother was the one that originally had the book and he wanted to read it so i didnt want to steal it from him and have him wait a week for me to take my time, and also i was afraid that if he got it back while i was in the middle of the book that i wouldnt get it back until he finished it... and he even said "once i get it back, your probably not going to get it back for a while" so that scared me into trying to finish it before i had to give it back. so yeah.

crazy.


but now (if i go to production meeting, that is, if there IS a meeting) i can get New Moon from Shea today and start on that, at a more leisurly pace. (New Moon is the next book after Twilight, if you didnt already know)

Acoustics

i dont like the acoustics in my house, because well, anywhere in the house, you can hear anyone in the house.


AND my family is bad a whispering. i dont think my family has quite realised this, that i can hear every and any word they say no matter how quiet they are trying to be, or anywhere in the house...


and i dont think they quite understand how i'm aware of my surroundings, so i dont have to eavesdrop to hear what they are saying,

so yeah, sometimes the acoustics in my house really bug me.

LA

i want to be in LA sooooo bad!!!


like...

SO bad!


i really hope i somehow get there.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dark Lay Still, lays still no more!

So, my brother had this band a few years ago called Dark Lay Still, and well they got pretty popular or at least pretty dang loved by a large amount of people. they got on the radio (105.7) and made a demo CD and such, and well eventually the band broke up, but made another band X-ray of a Graveyard, then ended that, then made another band called Shyanne, then ended that, then made another band called The Miracle Of... and then ended that...


and now


a record guy i guess myspaced Dark Lay Still, and wants to sign them legitimately! so thats pretty awesome!

yay for Jackie!


and yay for some of my friends who like.... worship Dark Lay Still!


im really excited for my brother! but kind of worried just because he will end up going on tour, which means leaving me, which means suckiness.


so yeah... but who knows?!? maybe if Jackie gets signed, then he can get in the mix of the record label business and maybe somehow help me along and put in a good word to some record label friends who i hope he makes...

i mean, i asked God what he wants me to do, and he told me to just keep going with what im doing and the necessities for right now, and leave the future up to him for now, so who knows?


yay Dark Lay Still!


oh and! that means my brother will be playing shows, which means some in SD meaning i could go see them, meaning i could go to another hardcore show, meaning i could bring my friends and go in the pit and such! yay!

i wanted this to be posted at 1:00

but i would have to type REALLY FAST.


because its 1:00am right now...


dang


unless i ended the post right NOW!


but no.


i didnt


anyway,


i wrote a deaf event paper for my ASL class, and well im kind of proud of it... and hope i get a FREEKIN good grade on it... because well... the last time i saw my grade it was a C.


i know what your thinking... a C?!? but you're SOOOOOO amazing at sign language! how could you ever get a C oh wonderful summer!?! well, here's how...


if you read my blog before, you would know that i was sick... 2 times before now... and that i thought i was dying, lost weight, etc. well... on a day where i was especially dying, i couldnt make it to class... so i missed 1 test.... which, effected my grade greatly. because your grade goes down with any absences... not to mention the few wrong answers on the previous tests i had taken.... i got a B on an essay test so that wasnt too bad, but ever since i saw that i had like a C (ish) i HAD to pick up the pace... so i studied, made sure to do good on tests, pay attention, etc. so this paper could possibly give me an A! along with the second essay test i took (which i think im getting the grade back for tomorrow) so yeah.


but also,


today i took an assessment test for English next semester, and well... i got there at 3:00 and didnt leave until about 6:00! and in ALL of that, we only had ONE 5 minute break. where i didnt even go outside! i wish i did though because when people were walking outside i looked out the door (at the end of the 5 minutes) and saw that the sky was SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL! and i got really sad because i was stuck in a classroom, one that i already was in for about 2 hours, and i was away from that amazing sunset that i only got to experience a glimpse of... i cant even imagine how AMAZING the whole sky would have been!!!


i hope the weather is exactly the same tomorrow as it was today, so that i can see it tomorrow night :]


but i doubt it...


i dont really have anything else to write but i want to post this at 1:11am since i couldnt post it at 1:00 but its 1:07 right now (im going to tell you the time from now on)

but i guess i could say, that the Jonas Brothers (its 1:08) were on Jay Leno tonight, and i almost missed it completely! i was watching disney channel, and then i started channel surfing (its 1:09) and i saw those 3 beautiful faces sitting on Jays now beautiful couch. and i freaked! i was thinking "how did i not get an e-mail about this?" because well... i get e-mail updates, and myspace blog updates, and such (its 1:10) for when they will be on TV... and i didnt see this! so i was bummed, because when i found them on TV Joe (my love) was doing stand up comedy (he was standing up hah) and he had said his last joke! i was so sad! so ill have to look it up (1:11)


and also end this post before its 1:12 and then well... im definetly not staying online until its 11:11 because that would be past when i have to go to school


so bye.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Twitter

so im trying it,


i dont quite know what all the fuss is about with twitter, but i have one, and so we'll see.


oh and


i got to drive my sister's car because well, i have the BEST SISTER EVER. so i got to go and hang out with my friends for a little bit, with the freedom of driving her car around so that was nice...


so i returned the favor with not driving the car home on an empty tank (with the help of Derek) im SO SO SO glad that the gas prices have gone down because before 4 bucks would be rediculous... who buys 1 gallon?


but instead i was able to buy 2!

haha. so instead of the little arrow thingy being next to the E, it was a line ABOVE it :]


haha


so yeah... i love my sister, and im glad she trusts me with her car :]

Friday, November 21, 2008

are you serious?

im sick....


again.....


are you serious!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!



i have a sore throat (my LEAST FAVORITE SICK SYMPTOM!! well except for throwing up)


grrrrrr


if it effects my singing on sunday i will be very angry.

Twilight

Okay, so last night i saw the premier for it... and well


it was AMAZING!


Edward Cullen has stolen my heart!


For MuteMath fans, if you've seen how Paul Meany is, just imagine him while your seeing Edward and you will see the similarities.


but seriously... like... Robert Pattinson (the actor that played Edward) did such a good job!!! especially like... portraying like... love and restraint at the same time.


it was so good!


i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to read the books now.


like... REALLY bad!


oh and


SHARKBOY! i freaked out, i told david, he didnt believe me at first, but it is him! (the indian guy)




okay...


dont worry im not saying anything that spoils the movie. trust me.


but it definetly did not feel like 2 hours!


ahhh but it was so good!



the only thing is, i left the theatre kind of lonely, like i do after watching a chick flick, because like... i want that kind of love, that kind of guy, and it just doesnt work like that... but i wish it would... so then i get all depressed and in a downward spiral of thinking im gonna have to settle, and that love isnt going to be all that great. blah. but i guess if i got right down to the very core of everything,

all i want, is to have the guy be as in love with me, if not more, than i am with him.



and then all the other things come after, like being a good dad, being a musician, being taller than me, etc. (those werent like... the biggest things, just examples)





and gosh darn it!!!! if i dont get it, me and God will have some maaaaajor talking to do.



hah i think its funny that this post that once was twilight, turned into boy things.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I wrote a song

and i like it :]


and its completed too!


now i just need to like... record it n stuff. too bad i dont have any way to record it...


dang.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Scavenger Hunt

I went on a scavenger hunt with my brother saturday night, because we were bummed about not winning the last 2 front row tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert that night, so my brother invited me to come with him and hang with his friends because he was bummed we couldnt hang out just us. (long sentence!)

and it was fun!

we didnt win, but it was still pretty dang fun.

i've decided im going to steal the idea sometime when me and my friends are bored out of our minds, and do that. (where you have a list of things you have to find, and then take a picture with everyone in it, and then all meet back by a certain time and have the pictures for proof)

so i have pictures :]














it was fun :]

school

okay, so i'm finally beginning to get into the swing of things, im getting my stuff together, and straightening up,


im actually doing my school work!


and thats pretty dang important if i want to graduate early.
Which im planning on doing, i already sent in a senior picture, i asked for a senior packet, and hopefully if im lucky, i can go to grad night (which i REDICULOUSLY hope is at disneyland again this year!!!!)

but speaking of Senior Picture,


i thought to myself "hey summer, why dont you post it, so that only your blog readers see it, and all the other people who DONT read your blog, are missing out on this priveledge (just so you know, i re-typed priveledge about 10 times trying to spell it differently so i just stuck with this one, i dont even think it's right)

so here ya go.




to be honest, its a lot more cheesy than i wanted it to be... if i could have it be any way i want, no questions asked, i would have it be more zoomed out, and me in front of some really artsy looking wall with like... some modern sqiggly art behind me, and in color, not like vibrant color, but kind of like... faded bluish colors, and me off to the right side looking to my right (towards the empty space in the picture where the wall is) like this (excuse the empty blue below it, that just randomly went in there.










but, im stuck with the typical smiley, hand-in-picture, picture.

but whatever.

Twilight

I want to see it.

i want to read it.


i like vampires, so i mean... why not?!?

im going to.


(im scared of seeing the movie though, but i will)

Post-concert

okay, so i went.


and it was AMAZING!

i thought i missed hardcore shows before?!?! man!!!


it was sooo much fun!!!

i went with a few friends and a few of my friend's co-workers.


it was so fun! i went in the pit a few times, it was difficult to first, find one, and second, actually get to one. so i only got the chance to go in a few times, but it was really fun!


the first time i went in my friend and his co-worker were guarding me hah so that i didnt get like punched in the face by someone windmilling crazily.

but it was really fun!


one of my friend's co-workers got hit in the face in the pit (on accident) and broke his nose!!! ai! thats what i was afraid of happening to me! so i feel really bad for him!


and i got punched, and elbowed in the stomach a ton, especially when i went in the pit another time, this guy just came up and started dancing like right next to me and was swinging like... at me so he hit me a bunch, then my friend pulled me out of the pit and then everyone started going crazy so we started making our way away from the pit, and everyone was pushing and falling and elbowing, it got crazy,


but i guess punches in the stomach are better than in the face, but by the end of it all, i had the craziest stomach ache ever... like... spotty because of like bruising and stuff... and my arms are a bit bruised and my shoulder is sore because i think i might have swung too hard in the pit.


but all in all... it was AMAZING!


me and my friend decided we want to go to a hardcore show at least every 5 months (if his co-workers go)


maybe i can start working on a suit of armor and then just start going crazy in the pit.


and i need to get better at the windmill because during breakdowns i just do like floor punches, or swing my arms back, but not like the fluid windmill... im more old-school (hence floor-punches)


oh but also, i saw 9 PEOPLE I KNEW there!!! (i counted) 2 of which i see on a regular basis, and the rest i havent seen in like... aaaaagggeessss

2 from my school, (one i havent seen in like 2 years, one i havent seen in like 4)
1 from hfth, (havent seen for like 2 years)
1 from encounter, (like almost a year)
3 from journey, (2 of which i see every week)
and 2 from OGN!!!! (from pathways)


it was crazy! also because most of them i wouldnt expect to be at a hardcore show ever!

it was so fun! and sweaty, but fun! oh and, every now and then i had to look up at the ceiling to breathe because i was like... breathing in heat and stuffy body-air, and i was thirsty the whole time, but yeah. fun.


i want to go back!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

concert

okay so, tonight is an Underoath, Saosin, Devil Wears Prada, and The Famine concert, and well... okay, i dont like any of those bands, but supposedly a majority of my friends are going to it,


and also its kind of a given for there to be a pit, and well... i dont want to pay to go, but i might be able to go if a friend of mine's uncle (who works at the venue) lets me in for free... because well, ive said this before, but i miss hardcore dancing like.... in a pit.... because i mean, i used to go to shows every weekend in middle school and go in the pit and stuff like that, but now i dont anymore and i miss it.


oh and


me and my friend might go in the pit and start crumping (the hardcore dance of hip hop) and no, that is not freaking or booty shaking, its like... you channel your anger into the rest of your body and kind of like... pop and do like arm stuff and either you look really stupid, or really rad... so i dont really know how i feel about going tonight.

because i miss hardcore dancing, but i dont like the bands.... but then again, for hardcore shows you dont really go for the bands much anymore... its all become the same...

but for bands like Rx Bandits and MuteMath THOSE bands are AMAZING live! but then again, they arent hardcore...


so yeah... i might go tonight....



pray i dont get punched in the face by someone windmilling or something.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Mexico

Okay, time to talk about the mexico trip...


first of all, thank you Brian very much for calling and figuring a way to help me go! :]


Alright, so after this trip i learned a lot.


i realised i need to learn spanish. though


i know key phrases, like "do you speak english?", "i dont understand, i speak english", "whats your name", and "how old are you?" and i learned (after asking Malia like 10 times cause i kept forgetting) "do you want to play soccer?" and "do you think he/she is attractive?"


that last phrase i learned because these 4 boys were teasing david and mark about their muscles (after arm-wrestling them) and asked me and malia if they were our boyfriends, and if we think they are cute.


oh, i also learned that i need to have more endurance... we played sharks and minnows/freeze tag with some of the kids and those kids can RUN! and for a long time too! but that just made winning all the better.... except we didnt know how to say "cheater" in spanish so we couldnt call them out if they ran to their friends to get un-frozen, we could only say "no no no no no!" and they would say "si si si si si!!! and laugh and run away"


i also learned that the girls really enjoy it when you pick them up so they can hang on the monkey bars until they drop, and then ask you to do it again.


and, i learned, do NOT brush your teeth over the toilet with your sunglasses on your head.... they WILL slip off, and you WILL have to retrieve them.
now, just for clarification, there was nothing IN the toilet, and i wasnt in the outhouses, our room had a bathroom (thank God!) but no sink. and anti-bacterial wipes come in handy after a situation like that.


i also learned that having techno music on in a car full of guys who like to pelvic thrust, is DEFINETLY an interesting experience... and not one i would like to repeat in the future.


and, XM radio is AMAZING when driving to and from mexico.... and that shane probably deserved a hug for us yelling at him to change, or not change, the channel so many times.


and, last but not least, me and shea realised that we love/d hanging out with those kids, and definetly will go back to mexico if we do it again, and we wished that we could have stayed there all week :[ but that just wouldnt have worked out and would have costed a lot more.



so all in all, mexico was amazing :] and i loved it a lot!

Post Secret

Okay, so every week i go on postsecret.com to see the recent posts,

well today (like... just now) i went on post secret and there was a e-mail secret thing of a person saying they saw a secret saying "we accept the love we think we deserve" and how they got a tattoo of it to remind them, and well sometimes the secrets hit me hard, sometimes i discover some of my own secrets by reading others, sometimes they are just gross and dont effect me, but this one definetly did.


i said sometimes i discover some of my own secrets by reading others, well thats sort of what happend.

i realised a theme of my thoughts lately, and i realised that i dont think im good enough to have the guy that i want (not the "list" guy, but someone perfect for me) and that im going to have to settle because "he" would be out of my league.


and well, i know that i am my biggest critic, and that im hard on myself, so after reading this secret i realised that i dont want the love i think i deserve because i will be unhappy.


That's why i KNOW that being in love with someone someday that loves me back, will blow me away because i will feel so lucky to have someone love me back that im in love with.


so im just not going to dwell on it any longer, like i have been the past... forever...


i believe that guy will come, and i dont have to search to find him.



hah also, i apologize to the many friends who have already told me this, but i just had to figure it out on my own.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

what?!?

Okay, so im pretty confident that somehow, somewhere there are video cameras... or people from TV or hollywood go on me and my friend's web pages and copy us...

now, Adam has already had this conclusion on his own, so i give him credit for finding it first, but ive resolved this on my own just now, and i sware! its happening!!


like phrases, actions, styles, like things WE MAKE UP! they put in their shows, music, its crazy!!! i dont understand it!



BUT! if anyone from hollywood is out there reading this, i want to act and sing :] you dont need to see me and my friend's interactions from myspace or blogspot... we can just BE THERE.



:]



but...


please shut off your microscopic cameras everywhere if you have them.... thats just creepy!!!

Friday, November 7, 2008

vroom vroom

So we're selling our car now, were trying to get money to buy another car... kind of trade it out... because this one just isnt reliable enough. and this is the one were kind of depending on at the moment.


we're trying to get as much as 2000 for it!!! (in your dreams, parents of mine)


its dying, the transmission sounds like crap, the fabric lining on the inside is falling down, it gets bad gas milage cause its a big hunk of metal,


but i guess on the good side is, if you got in a crash you most likely wouldnt have a scratch on you because its like driving a tank,


bad side is,

its like driving a tank.


i really hope we can sell it! maybe to someone who likes fixing old ghetto cars?

maybe we could get a volvo or something :] i mean, after all we dont need a big car.


me and my mom still feel like God is going to drop a car on us somehow, we have no idea how, but... we feel like it will happen.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

i need to drink my orange juice

honestly, i think im going to ask my mom to buy orange juice the next time we go to the grocery store...


because now im sick.


again


not as bad as last time, but seriously... i NEVER get sick! and im not like extra stressed or anything, i mean sure the elections have been stressful, but not to the point where i would make myself sick.


i got it from my brother, so i blame him, at first he just laughed at me, then this morning he said sorry.


not a big deal,


its just inconvenient.


but i feel like its a quick sickness thank God!


i got sick last night, and i feel like im going to be fine tomorrow.


but this just reminds me i need more vitamin C.

radio

Okay so, as some of you may know, ive been wanting to be on disney channel since i was a kid.

as you probably DONT know, im really into acting.

well, being an actress/singer has been my dream for a very very long time, and i was always jealous of people like miley cyrus and demi lovatto and selena gomez, and ive been thinking how in the world am i going to get where they are? they are all so lucky!

now, i dont want to get onto disney channel for fame (even though of coarse thats a plus), i have many other reasons such as being a positive role model for young girls, not being a typical girl in the spotlight with drugs and sex, trying to break some stereotypes, etc.


well i was talking to my mom today and there was an ad on the radio for a talent scout "in my area" that has made people famous like miley cyrus, and demi lovatto, and that "i could be the next hannah montana", and well i know theres a small percentage that i would even be considered, and that its probably too good to be true (trust me, ive thought things through) but after talking with my mom she considered it and considered calling.


i mean... after all, what could it hurt? if i dont make it then my life is just the same, if i do make it then my dream could come true.


now i also know that there are a ton of auditions i would have to go through and all that stuff, but im willing.


but there is a talent school and if i make it in then it is still local so i can still do my duties in Encounter, and then once i am finished with both of those (both encounter and the talent thing) then i just may be able to do what ive always wanted to do.


seriously, just even the thought of it even being a possibility and not just a silly dream, made me tear up a bit. i want this so bad!


I just hope its what God wants too.

obama

:[ seriously.


im EXTREMELY dissapointed, heartbroken, terrified, that he won.


dissapointed: because it made me realise how gullible america is, and how *ahem*stupid society is getting. if you've seen the movie Idiocracy then you get what im talkin about. we are getting closer and closer to that. (if you havent seen it, not something i would recommend other than to see how true it is) its pretty much a movie where the directors took everything that we are becoming and getting closer to and exaggurating it. like there was a church called St. God. and all lounge chairs had toilets in it, and some gatorade type company like... took over the world because they said their product has electrolites in it, so they use it to water their plants, they use it for like gasoline and such. and they all sound stupid, like how they talk. but enough of that movie.


heartbroken: because i know a lot of people were praying for McCain to win, like pleading with God (like in the bible) and it didnt happen. but i mean, i guess its what needed to happen. but still.. its sad.


and terrified: because of what Obama stands for. he is the most pro-abortion candidate (and now president) we have ever had. AND Biden is his VP.... so if obama dies, we have HIM as president :[ and also.... Obama reminds me of Hitler... which scares me.

and, he wants to pull the troops out of Iraq... now... that would be the WORST thing we could do right now. we would just seem weak, our allies will think we will give up every time, not want to join with us again, and mannnnnnnnnnnny people over there will die because we arent protecting them anymore, and what will keep the terrorists from attacking us again? sure some of their people die, but they'll think "psh... america will just give up someday again anyway," and our allies will get attacked, were pretty much giving them power... i mean, isnt this what they want?!? they probably are scheming, waiting for the day when we will pull out just so that they can have a big massacre.


this definetly is history making stuff right here with Obama being president. first Black president, and first wide-spread massacre in ages. honestly, i think 9/11 will be nothing compared to what could happen if we stop.



so yeah.



terrified to the extreme.

bahhhh no

im getting a sore throat!!!!!


grr :[



worst timing too!!! i wanted to be HEALTHY finally!


i thought this flu i had like 3 weeks ago was all the sickness i would have in a while (which is usually the case)


but im wrong i guess.


hopefully i bounce back like i have been everytime i would get "sick" for a day.


maybe it will be gone?


hopefully.

Monday, November 3, 2008

G-pa

Okay, so just a quick review of whats been goin down with my grandpa,


he has lewie (lewey?) bodies disease. it has symptoms like Alzheimers, Parkinson's, stuff like that.


he has hallucinations, he forgets, years ago he had a stroke so he has those side-affects as well (he's more.... weird)



and well, he first went into a home because he started to get mean to my grandma, then he got violent with the nurses, then went to a different place and then got transferred a couple more times and then at Chase Care Center where he has been for the past couple months... my mom (and me, sometimes) goes to visit him, and they have always been interesting.


everyone in his ward has some sort of dimensia. (the hallucinations and stuff)


well, recently he has started talking about how he doesnt like it there anymore, i mean before he was saying "just about half of everyone here is crazy!" which is funny to hear because well... they all are, including him.

but just this sunday my mom visited him (she's been visiting every sunday for about 3 weeks) and i guess the day before he had thrown something at a nurse, and when my mom visited this time he was cussing at the nurses, and was threatening them, and he said he had a brush in his pocket that well, i wont say what he said he was going to do with it because it's too graphic. (and no, its not shove it up their you-know-what)

but he was telling my mom what he would do with it if they gave him any trouble, and when my mom left i guess he had a fork in his pocket. so he has been getting badddd.

but to make a long story short, last night they had to call 911, and taken to the place that he was taken to the first time he had to leave, and then taken over to a hospital in poway, and they are giving him different medicine.


so... thats been sad, because we thought he was happy there but now he isnt. and now he isnt even there anymore and him being in poway is tough cause now its hard to visit him.


:[

Sunday, November 2, 2008

NObama

Okay, so this election ive really gotten into, i watch the debates, i watch the media discussions, me and my mom talk about it, its become the topic of a lot of me and my friend's discussions, its crazy! this is the biggest election in a really long time!



and seriously, im legitimately scared if obama gets in the office, which its looking like he will (im praying he wont, but you never know)


and if he gets assassinated by some racist person, then JOE BIDEN will be our president.


i know theres not much you can do in your first term, but enough to screw things up!


im really NOT excited about this...


if McCain wins i might cry of relief. ugh... cant Election day come sooner??!?

Mexico

Okay, so, i need some ideas...


how can i get $100, asap? hah. because well, i want to go, but i dont exactly have a job yet, (which i am working on,) and the trip is THIS SUNDAY exactly one week... and well... theres not many spots so i would need to get my stuff in within the next few days...


i wish craig's list wasnt so cheap cause i totally would sell my harry potter book set but it would go for like... 30 bucks... and im not quite sure if im ready to part with them yet, but maybe.


blah.


any ideas? besides a lemonade stand, because a 16 year old girl making lemonade would look a little weird, unless you have like a little cousin or sister that i could borrow.

Hair

okay, so ive kind of forgotten how much i love doing/dying hair...

not so much my own... its a PAIN to dye myself, well.... mostly just washing it out is the pain, and with the red it bleeds like crazy and constantly is getting on your fingers (even after like 5 showers WITH shampoo!)


but the good thing about it is that it fades slowly, and when it does all of the colors are nice, they dont fade into some gross color...


the blue though was baddd, when it faded it became like a weird green blonde and it looked like either i got algae in my hair, or i was in a pool and didnt wash my hair after...


but yeah,


last night i dyed my friend's hair, like... the whole head, and some chunks for bleach, and some other people were over too, and so my other friend asked "hey what do you think if you dyed my hair too?" and well, to make a long story short, i ended up dying their hair too (not the whole head,) like... chunks with the dark, and one chunk with the bleach, (their first dye ever! i was so proud) and then also my friend's brother's hair (a little streak in the front and a little peek-a-boo chunk on the side)


i was dying non-stop!


like i dye one person's head, then start on the second person, when im done with the second person, its time to wash out the first person, when im done washing out the first person, then its time to wash out the second person, then when im done washing out the second person, then its time to bleach the rest of the first person's un-dyed hair, then its time to do more with the second person's hair, then its time to start the third person's hair, then to wash out the first person's hair, then to wash our the third person's hair, then to bleach the second person's hair, then to wash that out, i was dying for like 2 or 3 hours NON-STOP.


but!!! the good thing is, is i loved doing it! and seeing the outcome was so fun! (even though one of my friend's accidentially picked a darker shade than wanted, and didnt like the color, WHICH I LIKE BY THE WAY,)


but it was fun also cause the other 2 people never dyed their hair before, so it was cool being able to be the one doing it, (it was really nerve-wracking too, but still)


i like it :] if it wouldnt take so long, i wouldnt mind going to hair-school, just to be able to do it professionally and get some cash, who knows... maybe thats how ill get to LA, ill be some amazing hair-stylist at some high-end salon in LA, and some famous person will love my work and become friends with me and then help me out with my music career.



okay, so i have a big imagination...

but still...


i can dream cant i?


and also i kind of have an eye for color, with my mom being an artist and all, its kind of in my genes. so like... i can tell when a color will look good or not, i mean sometimes its undecided, but when i do make the decision its like... set. and turns out good. my only issue is i hate wearing gloves, so during the dying process (depending on what im doing) ill take them off when i can. and then end up having dyed fingers. (which i do right now by the way,)


but yeah.


i like it a lot :]

Friday, October 31, 2008

dreams

Aha! i knew there would be a second post... and not even one minute passed by since i ended my last post....


well...


ive been having these dreams... weird ones... and usually somehow the jonas brothers (sometimes only joe) pops up in them, and i mean, he is attractive and if i knew him and liked his personality, then i DEFINETLY would not mind dating him (if i were aloud), but... my having dreams about him is just weirding me out,


now just to clarify, they arent inappropriate dreams. not one of them. (and im not lying)


but me and him are usually dating in my dreams, or about to, or something of the sort.


but really... i mean... i dont even know him! i mean, its not like i think about him every day or something, yet he pops up in my dreams!


but also, ive been having some weiiiiird dreams, with or without joe jonas...

they werent always this weird... but just the past few weeks they've just been way out there...


before i wouldnt really have dreams... i mean i would have like little short ones and then not remember them, but now im having these elaborate lonnnng dreams...



like one of them i was at this house, of a family that i always thought were weird, and they had like... a glass room and thats where i met their son, and there was like a weird map with moving ships on it, and a big rat raccoon thing climbed up this little palm tree and stopped and looked at me and smiled, and then kept going, and i told the family not to shoot it and they laughed at me, then i went into this purple living room and hung out with the son, and then we went to this greenish blue room where we were trying to find a place for me to stay the night (weird) and then the dad walks in all shocked and says that everyone is gone, and so we look out the window and see that the house (and the driveway, and the backyard, basically all of their property) disconnected from the earth and now were floating in space...

and i guess they kept a bunch of cans in this warehouse? and like... bags of water saved up, and all this food and supplies stored up because they said this is another holocaust (i dont think i spelled that right) and so it was weird...


there was more to it but i dont really remember, but when i woke up i had the urge to right it down, but in poem form? like... everything rhyming? it was weiiiiird... i think my dreams are effecting me in real life now.

halloween?

i'm weird, i go on these random looonnng 3-times-a-day blogging sprees and then dont blog for like.. 2 weeks...


its weird...


but, here is a blog.... im sure there will be more to come, and then stop, and then start again.


but.


anyway.


today is holloween.


yay :]


i didnt know what i was going to be until yesterday hah.


so im a lion today :]


i thought it fitted because my friends say i look like, or am, a lion. so well.. hey, why not actually be one.


im not doing the whole suit shabang.

just like... crazy hair, tan clothes, cat ears, and cat make-up.


pretty simple, and it gets the job done.


usually i would go all out, but this year i didnt have the time or the money,


if i get a job, then possibly a SUPER RAD costume next year.


maybe i can do the harley quinn idea i wanted to do this year? (super villian, Joker's assistant)


but anyway,


tonight, im chillin with a few people, and well... im a little nervous because in that group of few people, are a few people who dont get along with each other, dont like each other, they just arent a good match together, and well... i, and they, want tonight to be happy and fun... but until they just suck it up and be nice and respectful, thats not gonna happen. and i know that im gonna put it on myself the responsability of making it fun, and making them get along and not offend each other.



oh joy.


i dont like it when people dont like each other. it makes me sad and angry and blah.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

brother

just an update,


tonight we went to frozen yogurt and talked...


and well,


let me just tell you,


definetly not how i expected it to be.


and not in a good way.


things still suck, things didnt really change,


i told him that i miss him and we never hang out and his reply was "when did we hang out?"


so basically disregarding the fact that im hurt,


so i finally said "ive been mad and sad towards you this past week, and purposefully difficult and argumentive"


and well... he didnt really respond...


:[


im bummed...


and then we talked about the typical issue,


and then said some things that really concerned me and so i started crying in the car...


and well



the talk pretty much bombed, but i do feel relieved that its out there, it just didnt go as planned at all.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

oh and....

i said in the previous post that when my brother got back from Africa that "everything became right again".


i didnt mean that it didnt suck, and i wasnt hurting, i meant that i wasnt being consumed by it every second, and weakened by it.

i mean, you dont just get over those types of things, it still sucks and sometimes i go to a quiet place to be alone and just cry and mourn. but thats just in choice times now.


before i had no control over it. i would just be bursting into tears in random conversation, so....


i just needed to clarify that.

:[

Okay, so i just need to vent right now...


i mean, ive been venting to my mom, but i dont know... i just need to vent still...


i miss my brother...


and i mean... REALLY miss him...


for some reason i havent talked to him about it at all, but i just miss him...


cause we used to be best friends, and always hang out, and he would be like introducing me to his friends and take me along everywhere (i wouldnt even ask, he would just want to take me)


and then he started hanging out with new people, and now we never talk, never hang out, nothing.


we've "lost touch".

i mean, i feel like he's strictly my brother now... not my best friend, and it makes me sad.


for the past few weeks its been consuming my brain, and now i just gotta let it out!


every single time he hangs out with his friends or goes somewhere, it bugs me.

ive noticed ive kind of become hostile towards him. a lot of our conversations are arguments lately... and when we do talk about things that arent of arguments, its usually about the same things. (and ive noticed that a lot of the arguments are started by me not being nice)


and really what is bugging me the most is he's doing things that he was supposed to do with ME, with this other friends...


like... i KNOW things have changed, because if things were like before, he would have invited me to those things, he would have thought of me, and remembered "oh yeah, summer has been wanting to do that with me, i should bring her along."


but no.


he doesnt.



i mean seriously, i need my brother!


when he was gone in africa those were the 2 worst weeks of my life... i could not get out of a deeeeeeeeeeep hole (also because 2 people decided to die right before he left, and had their funerals while he was gone, right when i needed him the most, and my friends were busy or gone in africa too, so i had pretty much no one.) but right when he got back and i saw his face, everything was right again... i tried everything to be okay while he was gone, and nothing worked.


and now he's home, and im losing him again.



i have no idea how to talk to him about it, because i dont want him to have to make an intentional decision just for my sake... (ive noticed thats the biiiiiiggggest reason why i dont tell people they are hurting me, because i dont want them to make an intentional decision just for me.)... i guess thats also a problem with my view of my self-worth, but thats a different issue.



:[ like today, i snapped at him (he doesnt even know that it was me snapping at him) and when he didnt even acknowledge or see what i was REALLY saying, then i got angry and hurt, and i actually started crying (we were texting, so he didnt know)



i felt like such a typical girl.

not just spitting out what she's REALLY meaning, and making it where the guy has to see it on his own, and then getting mad when the guy doesnt see the secret words...


i mean usually i dont do that cause i get that guys dont see it, but this time i did and i dont know.... i just.... did.


im just sad that i lost my best friend, and im getting mad at myself for pushing him away now that im hurt.


:[



i guess the reason why i wont say anything to him about it, is because im letting him have his own life, i mean he's in college, he has his own friends, i get that....



but does that really mean i have to lose him?

Monday, October 20, 2008

sunday

The service was really good!!! i mean REALLY good... it got me pumped! the worship was awesome! my being sick didnt effect me like it did on thursday (ugh my voice was terrible on thursday! all sick sounding hah) but i really got into it and it was the kind of vacation from singing that i like...


i hate not playing on sundays... so this sunday was kind of like... a break.. but not... the kind that im happy with... usually when i get a "break" its where i dont play at all, but that just makes me sad, and makes me want to play again... so this time, not singing, not leading fully, was nice... cause i still got to play, still got to experience it on stage (its different than in the crowd), and it was just really good...

i got the chance to look around the stage kind of while i was playing and i was really happy to see some other band members worshiping as well, it totally got me more into it,

but also the message was sooooo good!!! i had high expectations for the morning and this whole series, and i really was not let down at all!


i was suprised at how much it got to me, it was about how "you're invited" and well, i guess im suprised because ive already been invited, ya know... but for some reason it was still great... to me it seems like that type of a message would only get to people who havent been invited yet, but i was completely wrong.


it got me fired up for God, and made me want to invite more people, and the points were really good, it was just an all-around good service, good message, just... really good.


:]

and i also like the new service, it definetly is a different feel. its less people, but not like... dead like how it could have been, it was kind of more.... intimate. i feel like everyone in 1st service was a lot more focused and committed.

it was nice.

i feel like the 1st service is going to fill up with a similar type of people... i cant explain what type of person, but i feel that the 1st service has a lot of potential to be REALLY good, really spiritual, really just like... soaked up by the students. and i think that people are going to naturally try to get a lot out of that service.


im excited to see where it goes.

Direction

I've noticed that ive been needing more direction from God lately.

and its been more difficult for me to make decisions, and actually move forward with my life.

i mean, life goes on without my decisions, but i feel as though im not doing anything with my life, not being productive, not moving forward. just kind of... still... like with God im moving forward slowly, but now the rest of my life needs to start moving.

i feel like God has been wanting me to paint more lately... i dont know why, but he does. and just kind of like... exercise my artistic abilities. like photography too. but right now more with the painting...

i feel like i should move forward with my future though, working on where i want to be when im older, like career, location, education, all that stuff.


i still feel as though my time in San Diego is coming to a close, but that might be wishful thinking. i feel like if i leave san diego that i will NEED to move forward to survive, and i will meet people that i need to meet in order to have the career that i want.


also im kind of iffy on the whole C28 thing, because... well.. i dont really know why actually... but i just am. but then again, thats kind of coming with the not being able to decide anything... thing.


i just need some clarity... for sure.


i think thats my biggest prayer right now... clarity and direction. but most of all clarity. because my mind is just... weird right now.

all better (for the most part)

yay no more sickness!!!


that actually went away fast!


i mean, sometimes im sick for 2 weeks... cause it lingers but this time it went away in just a week.


i was feeling fine after friday... just like... the last little sniffles here and there for the rest of the weekend...


so yay :]


thank you friends, for your prayers. :]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

the flu

definetly sucks!!

im all sniffly and stuffy at the same time (which i hate!) my whole right side just randomly wants to ache all at the same time. which doesnt help anything since my right shoulder and right rib(?) hurt (like i got hit by a bus) before i got sick. and massssiiiive headaches, and weird random jaw-aches. and im all weak and shaky and sneezy and my eyes are all watery, i have no apetite, and suprisingly i DONT have a fever?!?


seriously...

ive been acting like im dying on the couch for the past 3 days, which is just pathetic (even though just before getting sick i read some statistic about how many people in america die from the flu each year... which scared me)


but whats really weird is i lost 7 pounds in 3 days!!! which well, is scary, and suprising...


because i havent gained or lost pounds in a whiiiile. so like.. that made me feel like i was dying even more!


oh and, picture day is tomorrow, i have to take it for my school ID and well... i really dont feel like getting done up... or at least... anti done down. (right now im like... lower than my average day... my hair terrible, pale skin + red nose, and pjs, and walking around the house with a kleenex box and my cell phone, really not a pretty picture) usually on an average day of not going out of the house im wearing actual clothes, my hair usually is decent, and just no make-up on.


also, i missed my ASL class which is a BIG DEAL because i can only miss i think 3 days and if im late 3 times that equals 1 absence. today we were supposed to see our grade-point and where were exelling and where we're not.


and i missed THAT! so thats weird.


i dont know if im going to small groups tomorrow, but i guess it depends on how im feeling.


but...


yesterday was a good day to be sick though, (for me) because i never have anything on mondays, and also i have 3 shows on in a row that i like. :] so i can just veg on the couch and watch tv, being pitiful and sniffly and wrapped up in a warm blanket whining about being achy.

oh but my mom's Avon and Mark. stuff came in today so i have new make-up :] yay

but yeah.


the flu sucks.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Kneeling/Back of outlines

So for a week now (it doesnt feel like it)

ever since Tuesday night, ive been going to bed and bowing/kneeling on the floor and praying, then reading the bible (usually using the back of past encounter outlines) and then getting in bed, and praying some more. then going to sleep.


well this is how it started,

i get in bed, i cant sleep, i hear a whisper,


it scares me,


i rebuke and pray that God calms my imagination,


then i hear it again. it scares me again, but this time i feel (on the inside) a tug to get out of bed. so i did and just immediately went on my knees and bowed down, and just like... humbled myself. and tried to clear all my thoughts, and just kind of... pray, listen, and meditate.


so i prayed, and then i was getting tired, my knees were hurting (i have bad knees), the blood was rushing to my head, so i asked God if i could go to bed or if he had more, so then i felt like i should read the bible.

so i did, and read and tried to see past the words if that makes sense,

and then prayed some more on what i learned what i heard etc.

so then i thought it was a one time deal.


but then the next night i heard a whisper again... so i rebuked and prayed, and then i remembered the night before.

so i got out of bed, kneeled down and prayed and did the whole shabang again. (different bible thing)


and then the third night i just went straight to my knees, not waiting for a whisper or anything. so then i told God "im ready" and did it again,

and thought of the story of the 2 guys (i forgot their names) and one thought that the other was calling him so he got out of bed and went in and asked what was up, then the other said that he didnt say anything, and that happend a few more times, and then the other guy said the next time he hears it say "speak Lord, your servant is listening" and so the guy goes back to bed, hears it again, then says that, and gets a command...


thats my version, not as great as the message, but i think you get the picture.


so now ive been doing that every night and its been a week so far, and ive been using the backs of old outlines i still have (i dont throw them away) and using that instead of just randomly opening the bible and seeing what God wanted, which is what i did the first 2 nights.


so it was kind of like God saying "if your not going to talk with me and listen to me, im going to do something about it"

so then he whispered.


it has seriously like... boosted my faith. before i was kind of like... learning, but love-wise (towards God) and faith-wise i was kind of staying around the same.

but now its changing and moving and getting better and its nice.


i told my brother and he said its cause im not in the way of me anymore.


and really, i dont want to be in the way of me anymore.