Monday, June 30, 2008

ahhhh ogn is tomorrow!!!

So this is a Pre-OGN OGN blog hah.

tomorrow is OGN, and so today is a special day, because today is the day for preperation!

I have forgotten to ask 3 people to pray for me this week, so. i have no one praying for me especially... so ive realised...


im going to fast today, until the OGN meeting at 6:30 tonight.


i want to meet with God today, and pray to him that it wasnt a mistake not asking anyone. there were a few people in mind that i wanted to ask, but i never got around to it, and now im kind of regretting it. Ive thought of a few people i want to ask, but i dont really know how to ask them "can you pray for me.... for a week?" i mean... i guess i could just say "can you pray for me while im at OGN? Because i need all the prayers i can get while im evangalising, in my 3rd year, when im STILL terrified,"



Im excited, no... more than excited... i dont even know the word for the excited level that im at. I am extremely stoked for OGN and its wonders.


i believe its 46 people that are going this year?

thats the biggest group that ive been a part of!!!

i am SO excited for all the 1st years. my first year at OGN sky-rocketed my faith and changed me drastically... and im SOOOOO tremendously excited to watch some of my closest friends transform this week! im excited to see Encounter change! Im excited to see people who ive never seen worship in my life, worship whole-heartedly.

I am excited to see my brother play drums for the worship, im excited to see him worship at times when he can, im excited to see him sing along while hes playing, because that just hits me and overwhelms me to the point where i HAVE to worship or i will explode.

im excited to get to the point where my body cant worship enough to show how im feeling inside, to where the only thing i can resort to is tongues because no words in the english language can express my love and awe for God.



ahhhhh i love it!


AND! im excited for girl bonding. and spiritual moments in the dorms... and im excited that hopefully some people i know, will change drastically for Jesus, even though its not their 1st year.



Im excited for the guaranteed week-long meeting with Jesus.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Big Bear

so i made this big huge long post about big bear and my dad and my feelings about him and his bi-polarness.


but i decided not to post it.... because i dont want to sound like a jerk... and also it was a REALLY long post...

so ill just give the rough draft of Big Bear like i did of my party...

wake up earlier than needed, do un-needed things because my dad was having an episode, and then we get in the car to escape and i cry cause of stuff, then we go up, jet ski the 2nd day where there was a really cute worker guy, guitar hero it up every day till my eyes get bloodshot for the rest of the week, next day go and rent a boat thing where the cute guy was there... again :], and fish, i suck at fishing, and then last day go to Alpine Slide, go on the water slide, go on the luging thing, race my sister in law on it, own her in the race, play apples to apples, bond with Breanna (sister in law) and Adam (2month old baby of Breanna's) and get fed up with annoying situations, haha and the cholos honking at me and breanna and then find that they live 3 houses down from where we were staying, then go home, almost die because my dad was driving like a maniac down the mountain (the tires were screeching at the turns), start crying because i was thinking we were going to die, start imagining sending a text to my friends telling them i love them, then getting home...


oh.

and my camera came in the mail. yay. (we found it on the doorstep when we got home)

and OGN is 3 days away!!!! :]]]

Monday, June 23, 2008

ANGELS!!!!

well, i dont know if God wants me to say this so ill just give the rough draft.

me and julia were with angels last night in her driveway... like... full on seeing them..

and it was amazing.

i guess i cant go into detail because God isnt letting me, but im farther in my faith now than before i started slipping.

it couldnt have come at a better time with OGN right around the corner!


AMAZZZZZINNNNGGG!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Hi Julia and/or Kamiah

Just thought i would say hello to the only 2 people who know i have this hah.

really,

your the only 2 i trust with like... the stuff i could possibly put in here...


well... that


and the public...


but really... sometimes i trust the public MORE than some of my friends (kamiah you understand)

but yeah


i love you guys!


to no end!

you are worth every second i give and more!

you guys are like... my on-earth Jesus'

except he's better, and well im sorry but i love him more.


well actually, im not sorry...

but...


i love Him more.

but thats not saying much.

well it kind of is because i guess its hard to do.

but...


i love you guys to death!

but i love Jesus to life!

okay enough comparison.


you understand :]



eeee OGN!

oh boy(s)

So... im pretty dang boy crazy and well it gets the best of me sometimes, and well... so far, the people that i like the most are well, single, yet still unavailable for various reasons, one being age. (not like they are like... 30 or anything, i mean they arent really much older than me, its just i know that it may be a problem for THEM) oh and that age deal is like a double wammy, one age difference between me and the boy, and also the fact that i cant date till im 18. (eff!) that has also been getting the best of me...


well...


so basically i like 2 guys... well okay... 2 1/2... the 2 are like... basically the same in the unavailability factor, and then the 1/2 guy is actually my age but i just cant see me going anywhere with him ya know?

okay, im trying not to be boring here, but i just had to rant on about like... life and boys and such because well, they are a big part of my life.


oh and...


lately ive been surrounded by guys with rediculously hot bodies... and its getting a little out of hand here... i mean... why do there have to be SO MANY! gah!


again, i wish i were prettier.


but also,

i know that if i was then that would be my only value to guys... but i have to say, that like... physical attraction could get something started and then deep love with personality could follow ya know?


okay well i should leave now because im probably just making a big waste of a blog


oh and yesterday was my birthday party,


ill explain in a later blog but ill give you the rough draft.

party, frantic getting ready, melting chocolate for fountain with the sun, a lot of water balloons, lack of some people, and then afterwards laser tag, and then TPing. yayuh!

i MAY go into more depth in a later blog...

but i may be too lazy... i apologize, but you probably wouldnt want to read it all....

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Bonfire

so tonight i went to my friends house with my 2 other friends and my brother and we were all sitting around a fire-pit and talking, and i dont know how but we got on the subject of like miracles that God has done that we know of happening to people... like mainly ones that have either happend to us or to people we know...

and well, before i was talking about how like my relationship with God is like dwindling and how the song You're Beautiful has brought be back up more, and well tonight, this has too. just hearing like God's miracles and love and how amazing He is and how possible His miracles are and how they happen every day!

I love how much God delivers when i want to be closer to Him!

gahhh i love Him so much! I dont ever want to be this far from God again! Im so excited for OGN! im also kind of scared that it might not be all that im hoping for... i mean each year is different... and i have such high hopes for my 3rd year... i just hope God delivers...


what am i talking about! JUST in the last line i was saying how God delivers!

psh


im crazy!


i love Jesus!
and His miracles!

Suck

I have to be honest, Im hurt.

My friends mean the world to me!
I just wish i meant more to my friends... that like... really sums up my feelings as of lately...

tonight topped it off, tomorrow is my Sweet 16 party and well i was going to have my friend's band play at the party,
they decided to break up before my party, and well i'd had known before and my friend said that they will still play my party. So i was thinking alright sweet! im gonna have a band at my sweet 16 (with a goal of having the best one out of all my friends) and so the closer it gets to the party the more my friend complains about how he doesnt want to play at the party. so im getting more and more worried more and more guilty and feeling like crap if i make them play but im like "okay, they already said they would, they agreed, they have to do it! come on now!" but tonight things just went too far and well it basically came out to be where it would suck one way, or suck another. and well it ended up being that as of tonight.... as of 11:00pm before the party the next day, my band is gone... my band who is made up of my best guy friends....


yeah.... my BEST guy friends....


how sucky do i feel?!? i mean seriously! what the heck guys... now im going to have to tell everyone that i have no band... of my best guy friends including my BEST friend, because half of them crapped out (luckly my best friend didnt... cause then i would be EXTREMELY depressed and unloved)

its times like these when i wish that i was like... gorgeous and everyone was in love with me because then they probably would do it.

i know, lame thought. but still...

ugh... this brings back all the feelings i was starting to overcome of feeling unloved, disliked, unwanted, i mean... i feel like my "good friends" are just friends with me because im friends with a lot of their friends.

i know its just a sweet 16, its a band, its a plus not like a necessity, but it goes deeper than that...

it hurt me because i feel like if they cared more about me they would just suck it up and do it and not complain...

Part of me wishes that they would suprise me and be like "no! were gonna do it anyway! all how you like it" but i know that they arent like that. That wouldnt happen in a million years. im not that special to my friends.

:'[
Happy birthday to me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

You're Beautiful

I'll just get right to it.
Lately my relationship with God has been dwindling down.... i havent been paying much attention to Him or His messages. I miss Him but for some reason i cant quite get back to Him as much as i normally would. My brother says you're as close with God as you let yourself be. I know im not letting myself get close enough... but i wish i would! All i have to hold on to for hope is to remember how close i was with Him before. I miss being joyful everyday solely because I love Jesus! Well i've been racking my memories to find something to bring me closer with God, and today i found one. I was looking for a new profile song on Myspace and was thinking "whats something that will make me want to listen to it 24/7?" and well i remembered Phil Wickham.

So i was looking and looking and remembered a song called You're Beautiful (or well... just Beautiful) and it was stuck in my head a while ago and i was doing a meditation with my friends and imagining being with Jesus and well, in my head me and Jesus were singing that song together... and it sounded beautiful! and it made me so incredibly happy at the time that i was obsessed with the image! i loved that i loved Him. I loved how we sounded when we sang to each other!

Well, for a while i couldnt find that song anywhere online! Especially not when it was stuck in my head! But tonight i found it.... and im so glad that i did because it has brought me closer with God by just listening to it and remembering that image i got being with Him. I could just picture myself singing it one Sunday morning for church and just crying when it gets to the loud part where you sing at the top of your lungs "You're Beautiful!" I miss having those moments where i have to hold back tears during worship, get chills down my spine, and cant help but smile because i know His angels are in the room! I want that again, and i think that now i want it so much that i MEAN it, thus im getting it.


I'm sorry God for not letting myself get closer to you. I want to be back there again. I dont want to wait for OGN to do its wonders.... its not OGN that does it, its YOU. OGN is just an instrument You use.

I also was listening to another song (that was in the list of songs on one web page) that was right after You're Beautiful... and it was talking about How long do i have to wait for my Lord? and it also had a line saying "Your children are running to You" and i got this great picture of like.... a music video or a heavenly reality of just a crowd of people like... thousands! just running to Jesus and all chasing Him and reaching Him and hugging Him and at the end of the song everyone is just hugging each other all around Jesus (hugging him too) like a vertical doggy pile donut hug... and Jesus is just shining so bright and everyone else is being illuminated and start to glow also and just shine for the whole world to see.

I love pictures from Jesus.


:]


I love regaining my Love and Awe for Jesus.


If you want to listen to the songs on the website do so. (you dont need a myspace to hear them)

The Moon

Okay so, this is the 2nd night in a row that i have been just shy of seeing a moon-rise (one of my life goals, along with a moon-set) because they are unexpected. you cant just see what time it rose one day and then go back the next day and see it at that time... you never know... and well... the only way to watch a moon-set guaranteed is if you just watch the moon fly over the sky until it hits the horizon.

so well... tonight i was a little dissapointed in not seeing one. BUT, the moon is tremendously beautiful tonight.... you cant actually SEE the clouds in the sky except for right around the moon... just enough to make those lines that the moon is behind... so amazing!

if i had a better camera i would take a piture and put it up here, but unfortunately my 8.1mp camera hasnt come in the mail yet. (which i am waiting anxiously for!) Amazon hasnt even sent the e-mail saying its shipped yet!!!! i ordered this thing on the 4th!!!!! rediculous much?

I have to be honest, im not quite sure why i joined this, but for some reason i feel that the readers will get to know me fairly soon. possibly better than some of my friends!

now i kind of feel like i should have put a different name to make it anonymous.

whatever.

Ooh, im dying chunks of my hair blue possibly tomorrow afternoon.... that is if my friend is available.


im excited to see how it turns out!!! but also scared.... because i have a sweet 16 party the next day! eep!

i have 1 more day to go until the party day and well... i just sent out invites LAST NIGHT! probably the biggest mistake ever! (i know... i live a sheltered life) im so afraid that no one will come! well i know that 20 are for sure going, now i have 27 more to go... well i guess thats good that half have responded... and are going... im still scared though! all i want is for it to be spectacular (and better than my friends') and for everyone to have a great time and leave thinking it was the best party ever....

I have avoided MTV for the sole reason of not accidentially watching My Super Sweet 16 and then getting depressed that my family is in debt so we cant go all out.

well at least my friends have a band that is playing and ill have food, but im in the moment where so far things are going wrong and the girl is crying because her party is "ruined" because of one slip up...


i cant wait for the part where the party actually happends and everyone loves it and the girl gets a car *hint to the parents*

another reason why i dont watch that show, because I have to pay for my own car by myself...


stupid government.
stupid taxes.
stupid procrastination.
i just lost the game.
stupid seth (jk)
stupid lack of a moon rise.
stupid MTV.
stupid money.
stupid high-hopes.
stupid pessimism.



i better get off this thing before i get SO boring that my COMPUTER falls asleep on me.