Thursday, July 24, 2008

rough

in a previous blog i was saying how its gonna be a rough couple of weeks with my brother was gone,


well.... i was right... it has been really hard without him. He's usually the person i turn to when im not really expecting any advice, i just need to unload without any awkwardness. Which is what i need right now. My brother somehow is able to give me advice in an un-advisable situation. such as death. you cant really be like "oh well if you do this and this then the situation will get better, and they will live again" that doesnt happen.... i mean... theres not much you can say to someone about death.... but somehow... in the un-advisable situations my brother has things to say that work, and are exactly what i need to hear. i feel bad when im unloading to my friends and telling them i miss my brother and need him, because im not saying that they arent good enough, but i mean... they arent. my brother is my brother, my best friend, someone who will always be there for me and love me and i dont have to worry about what he thinks or will think of me...


even with my closest friends, i feel like an inconvenience or ridiculous. sometimes i push past that and just say how i feel sometimes but afterwards i feel like it was a waste of time...

it has been rough, and ive been trying to reach out somewhat. i need a friend! more than my friends understand! i need a freeking shoulder to cry on! and well... my friends, not gonna lie, are SUCKING at it! like i have this tuesday group at my house, and well thats where i unload things that i usually wouldnt unload. the start of the group was because my small group wasnt good enough, and i couldnt trust anyone there... and im suprised with how the group has turned out... starting out with just 3 other people than me and my friend (who i started it with, who doesnt go anymore) going for over a year now, with around 17 people going now! im suprised how it has grown and become so appreciated by many in the group. im so glad im a part of it and have the privaledge of being the host of it.

but anyway, i unloaded some of the issues happening in my life right now in our regular Highs-and-Lows part of the night, and well, sometimes i feel like im putting way more effort into my friend's lives and recieving nothing. i mean ill still do it with nothing in return, but it does hurt, feeling like your only friends with each other because of the effort YOU put into it, well anyway... again... i was unloading some of the issues, and well, it was just awkward... like it didnt matter, like... just a "oh that sucks" type of deal... not a "im so sorry, let me help, let me listen, ill be a friend to you" i mean i even said specifically "i just need a friend right now" and i was hoping that because of that people could understand just a little how much im acting like everything is okay, when my life is crashing down, i mean i want to give up so much i want to just go in my room and sleep until it passes. i mean, afterwards we go to denny's and eat and well i was in the car with my 2 friends, and well they were talking to me, being persistant in hearing how i am, trying to pour into my life, which is what i need right now! and so that helped, knowing that they care, and when we got to denny's we stayed in the car for a while.

but unfortunately, it wasnt enough, i still feel unloved, and feel like no one cares, and that everyone wasnt listening and just forgot that im having a really hard time right now, and that these thoughts consume my mind, seriously no joke, 24/7... even when im having fun and laughing they still come into my head, and it makes it really hard. last night was a movie night at my church and well, i didnt want to go home, not because i was having fun and didnt want it to end, but because i didnt want to go home.... where im alone... where i have a completely free mind to think about everything going wrong.... i want to be distracted.

just an update on whats going wrong in my life,

well you know about Jeff dying, and my brother being gone....

but theres more.

my friend's baby died. i know it might not seem like it should effect me much, just because its not like i knew the baby personally, but im still hurting... when my friend told me that her nephew was dying, it took up my thoughts the whole day. i cried my eyes out that day, just hearing about a possible death. and yet my other friends are getting poured into right in front of me. i mean... my friends were asking other people how they were, and being persistant in their lives, when im the one who is having a deep struggle... i mean.. my friend just asked me out of courtesy because i was next to the person who was being helped, and they asked me how i was, and i just started crying and crying, and that was just me hearing about the baby going to die....

now he is dead. the funeral was yesterday, and i couldnt go... i mean... i was capable physically, but mentally, i just couldnt be there... i couldnt handle it. i mean i know that the family is going through it much worse, but still... its effecting me greater than i imagined.


and also, guy problems arent making it any better....

2 people like me that i know of, one is just really annoying, and one is actually truly hurt and i cant help them because they are trying to get over me, and so i feel terrible about it, i mean, its just a sucky situation.

and also, i really really really like a guy, and sometimes i feel like he may be sliiiiiiiightly attracted to me, but then i see him around other girls, and then i feel so inferior.... i mean.... i really like him, so thats been in my head a lot too... i mean, when im around him and talking to him im so happy, but when i think about him when im alone, or i see him around other girls, i feel crappy and inferior.... i mean... if i just knew how he felt then i could be free... but i couldnt do that without asking myself, and well.... im not gonna do that.


i mean seriously, he is everything i want in a guy. and i would love it if later on when im aloud to date, if we ended up together. because that would be amazing.


ugh...


two more years.


but yeah.... so theres that. i hope when my brother gets back that ill feel better.


oh and.

on top of everything else, i have bronchidis coming on, me.... the worship leader.... singer... i mean.... i cant afford to get sick! today is worship practice, and i have to sing, and i dont want to infect other people, my life is just crumbling.... i mean i only have a few things to hold onto...


i dont understand why all of this is happening!!!! im seeking God more, and im not breaking away from Him from this... so i dont see what im supposed to learn from this! i mean, i need God, i know that, i need my friends i know that, i need my brother, i know that... i just dont see what im supposed to learn from this! im searching and searching for answers and lessons, i just dont get it.


and also, the demon thing is back again, ive been sleeping in the living room since my dream about my brother, ive heard footsteps in the hall by my room, its back and i hate it!


all of the problems that could occur are happening.... now all i need is my friends to be mad at me. because well my health is getting crappy, my peace of mind is certainly gone, im scared at night, death has already happend, i have the self loathing thing going on, my self-esteem is like... basically non-existant. my happiness is effected. i just am getting broken down more and more...


i mean... my friends arent mad at me, but it doesnt seem like they care much.

i mean i have a few friends who are actually caring... but... i need more.


i mean... am i supposed to have nothing? is that what im supposed to learn? how to live with nothing? i dont understand...

hopefully this sunday something will happen. i dont know... maybe the service could be for me, i dont know....


i just need SOMETHING to get me out of this freeking rut im in!!!

sorry if this blog has been inconsistant, but im kind of distracted and my mind is being consumed so i cant think clearly.

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