Friday, August 29, 2008

RxBandits, MuteMath, and.... Homeless people?

Rx Bandits are tomorrrooooowwww!!!! im so excited!
Ive never seen them live! ahhh

yay :D

i miss going to shows every week. :[

MuteMath needs to come back to SD!!!! Anytime i hear a song of theirs i always think of how much they need to come back! or at least go to LA to where my brother can drive us up there again :] and NOT have the car towed this time hah.

ahhh LA! i need to go back there too.

liscence next month, so who knows?!?

hope for the homeless tonight :] im strangely excited today... like... more than usual. I have no clue why.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


okay, more on this love thing....

it probably sounded like i was hinting something,

which i wasnt.

i was saying how i felt, and really... its not that im down on myself and think they would never love me, but its just i mean.... there are things, that make it impossible for them to love me back. unless they are like.... REALLY a good actor, and love me a WHOLE lot more than i can imagine.

but really... this is more for my future self, for if im wrong, about really... anything in the situation, i can look back at this and see that i was wrong.

gahhhhhhhhhhhh things are so confusing!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


im gonna quickly start from the beginning.

today i went to school, (me and my brother were supposed to leave at 8:30, we woke up at 8:50) i had to find my class by myself, never having been on that part of the campus ever... not knowing where building 63 is. let alone my room....


oh and by the way, chris brown is amazing, im listening to Wall to Wall by him. so good.

anyway, i found the class, SO FUN! Sign Language class. my teacher is deaf, so thats an experience. theres no voices in class. thats something new for me.

after that i went home in the scorching heat... oh and after seeing like 12 (no exaguration) people on campus me and jackie know.

okay... now heres the good part.

i was considering taking an oceanography class but its tuesday and thursday nights, which would conflict with tuesday group, and worship practice. but i was seriously considering cancelling tuesday group to try out the first class... im glad i didnt.... heres why.

today was an AMAZING tuesday group....

at first the group was talkin about stuff, the general highs and lows, and then we got into church things, and then the group... like... where its going kind of... like... how we should get deeper in God together... and well thats not even the good part!

so were talking about my past tuesday group in Encinitas how thats how it should be... and seriously...

i cried 3 times... thats a LOT for trying to hide it the whole time... because i was thinking about jeff the whole time... (just a reminder, jeff is the leader of the Encinitas tuesday group who died)

and like, it was just intense. i dont know who saw, but i was trying to hide it.

and THEN! the group sort of "ended" but there were 5 other people still there and i just had to go inside to gain my composure...

(of which did 2 other times,)

so when i go out my soul friend is talking about her highs and lows... (we hadnt gotten to me, her, or another guy that left earlier yet cause we were talking about the group) and so i was thinking "what am i gonna do? i just cried, i dont know what to do. i dont want to burden them ahhhh." so then her turn ended... and they were talking about other things too, and then someone piped up "what about summer's turn?" and so they were like okay... your turn... and well... i had meant to say "im not okay...." cause that sentence had been running through my head for a while now...

but all i got out was i-- and then i had to stop cause i didnt want to cry.... so i did the whole like... look up really high, and not talk, and kind of like... let out a sigh/laugh trying to suck in your feelings again.... so after doing that a bunch, then my stupid chin started quivvering.... which well... ruined everything! so after that the tears flowed! like i mean a lot! i was crying, and saying sorry and crying and then i finally got out the sentence. "im not okay" and then i started crying even harder! and THEN i said that i cried 3 times about jeff and that people probably dont even know who jeff is. and that it was really getting to me. because tuesday group was supposed to be my sanctuary but half of the people werent paying attention... and really... there is like... a spiritual bond with the people at that group... more than family, more than friends, everyone there i love so, so, so much! since the first day, and the leader, jeff, is gone. and i cant ask him how he started his group, how its thrived, how things happend. so i was saying that, and i couldnt say his name... i just said "and then..." and i covered my face cause i started sobbing uncontrolably (i dont care about spelling) like... the hardest ive ever cried in front of ANYONE EVER! i felt so vulnerable but it was soooo good. so anyway, i talked about how much i hold back for other people's benefit, like... i dont want to be a burden so i dont talk about things... and also like.. trust...

anyway, i was bawling, others were crying with and for me and for their relations to my problem... it was so nice... and then everyone started opening up a lot and just like... it was so spiritual... and then i was seeing angels (i was seeing them the whole night... i loved it.) and i described them and my friend like... affirmed that they felt that too, and like... it was so cool. cause it was different than anything ive seen before. like... i dont even know... and then i was giggling and laughing and everyone else was giggling too. and it was just really cool. and then we got to praying, and like... i was feeling some oppression because of well... oppression, and like my other friend saw something and i felt like that one wasnt good... which probably doesnt make sense in that sentence but whatever.

so we were praying, rebuking, and then we prayed for another member of the group that had leaved earlier, and it was just really cool.

and then everyone left but my soul friend, and then my affirming friend. (both of which im best friends with) and so we were talkin, and then one left, and i needed to talk with my soul friend... i needed to know what is up with her, deeper than what went on earlier... and so we were talking... and i spoke from my soul into hers and i was looking straight into her eyes and told her that she can trust me with ANYTHING. and then we both started crying, and i was saying that theres nothing she could say that could change how much i love her. and then we hugged and i told her i loved her like... in her eyes.. like... deep... and it was so great because our souls were linked at that time.

God bless her right now. oh gosh.

but yeah... that was my night.

oh and.

im really thinking that i might be in love.... like... with someone who wont return it. because well... i just know.

and it really sucks.

i was afraid of this, and i didnt want this. but it happend.

and it hurts.

but i want their happiness more than mine, and really... im not the type of person that goes around saying im in love... i truly believe ive never been, and i believe that when you are in love, you know.

but then again, what do i know? its never happend to me.

but really.

i think i may be. the reason im saying that i might be, is because im not letting myself because im afraid of it cause they wouldnt love me. but when they are hurting, i hurt. and i want to do everything in my power to take their hurt away and take it on me and like... have their pain for them. and like... their happiness is priority. as long as their well being. and when im happy, i want them to share in it.

i know that i know that i know, that if they liked me back enough, that i would be SO in love with them. like... for sure.


i need to get out of this town.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008



peoppplllleee are annoying me.

or well...

situations.... are annoying me.

i dont like liking people.

i really dont.

i hate it.

i would prefer to just not have any attraction to anyone whatsoever.


i do.

and its freeking annoying not being able to date because seriously....

i really think that if i was aloud to date, that i possibly could have a boyfriend right now. like... an amazing one.


im just thinking of how many people i HAVE to let slip away.

but no. no no no no no im not going to get sucked into that.

im not going to settle. i wont. i wont i wont.

im going to get the guy i want, someone who is perfect for me. everyone that i would be attracted to i would have to settle for if i was to date them.


im really trying not to like anyone.


freekin A!!!!!

the africa people have bonded like crazy!!!! and its bugging me that they have become a clique.





i want to start school already.

i want to get my liscence already

i want to get a freeking JOB! ALREADY!!!


i can release my feelings, hang out with more people, be more distracted, do things, have my own freeking life!


i need a car.

Monday, August 4, 2008


i know, i just said its all good, but i mean like... life in general, my attitude towards life is good....

but... back to issues.

lately ive been thinking a LOT about my future... like.. career choices n stuff... and its been a real struggle! im suprised how much its affecting me.

like.... i LOVE music! so much! and i love being on stage and playing music...

but lately, ive been thinking more about LA and hollywood and like... big concerts and showmanship and rock 'n' roll... like... back to my life-long desire of being a musician... a rockstar....

and usually like... that wouldnt suck to think about for someone because it would be like.. okay... a dream.... try out for american idol, write songs, get in a recording studio, get started.

but for me, im so afraid its not what God wants... because i mean... i want it SO BAD! like... so bad! like ive cried so many times about it i want it so bad. i mean i KNOW i havent been given musical ability for no reason... i just dont know if its supposed to JUST be used for worshipe leading in encounter, or if its exclusively for worship leading, or if im able to be a musician... like... in hollywood. like... famous...

i just dont know... because seriously, i SUCK at writing songs... like... suck.... seriously... im so critical about everything i write... im convinced that everything i write is terrible... seriously i hate everything i write... and so thats holding me back because well... how can i be a musician if i cant write music?!? i mean i can write, but i need like... a perfector.... a consultant... someone who can help me write it... like... help me rhyme, someone who is GOOD like... professional.... someone that someone in hollywood would get perhaps?

and like... seriously... i can sing... im not doubting that.... im not saying im whitney houston or something but i can carry a tune... and singing live i would be fine... and in a studio i would be fine too... and like wearing cool clothes, meeting fans, signing autographs!! that would be so amazing! and being on stage with a great band, and doing cool things on-stage for showmanship?!? that would be so fun!!! i think i can handle it... i can be grounded, i can still focus on God, worship him, spend time with him....

so why the heck cant i do it?!?!?!

well, i have no idea how im gonna get up to the top without being able to write myself, also being a girl, not having connections, i mean seriously i would do ANYTHING! i just dont know how much my family is behind it... they doubt me a lot.... like last year i asked if i could try out for american idol because they had tryouts in SD and well they said that i probably wouldnt even make it to hollywood, (the 2nd round) and that just crushed me!!!! and then this year i asked and my mom said fine but they didnt have tryouts in SD again, and i forgot about it when it came around and im sure my family wouldnt want to drive up to LA for an audition.

but once again, the issue of not knowing if its what God wants for me...

well.... to make a long story short,

ive been breaking down in my room about it because i want it so bad, so, ive started to TRY to write music.... i have like... about a 70% done song, at least lyric-wise, and well i need to come up with a solid tune, and perfect the lyrics and maybe add some more,

i dont know.

but i hope hope hope i have a future in music... in LA...

oh and... marrying Joe Jonas would be a plus. :P


okay, so ive found my new love for swings.... not like... bench swings but like... the general park/playground swings...

yesterday i was at my friends house and we walked down to this park by lake murray and there was a small playground... just like... 2 seperate climby things and then a swing... and when everyone got off of the swings i got on one because well... i liked them so i started swinging and started getting higher and higher and then i was watching the sunset on the swings (as i was swinging) and like... examining the clouds while i was swinging, and then i looked up when i was swinging and it was like.... a really cool experience... because everytime i went forward and like... up... it would feel like if i let go that i would keep floating up and like... reach heaven.... i dont know... like... i felt like while i was on the swing i was going to heaven.... it was surreal....

i was suprised i could have such a happy giggly spiritual time on a swing! oh and i was like... laughing and smiling the whole time... i also asked God if "this" is was Love is like... and He said yes.... and really... im not dissapointed... i know love will be different than that, but for some reason like... what i was asking, im happy with the answer.

it was so peaceful! i was on the swing for like... a half hour!!!!!! i know! a long time! but it was so fun! i love swings now! and then afterwards i went on the grass and just layed down and looked at the clouds some more and i saw like... 4 faces! and hearts and stuff... it was really nice... like seriously... jesus moments...

and then we went back to my friend's house and stuff and then after i left her house i walked outside to get in the car and just looked up at the stars and my brother was pulling out so i could get in the car easier (he parked next to a bush) so i had more time to look up at the stars...

it was really nice...

and happy

and peaceful.

oh and FYI as soon as i saw my brother's face at the airport to pick up my brother, i instantly got happy... all of my troubles just like... vanished... or at least i wasnt dwelling on them.

im totally happy now... like... even though i miss the people that died, im not dwelling on "life without them" im more thinking of life....

its all good :]