Tuesday, August 26, 2008

backyard

im gonna quickly start from the beginning.

today i went to school, (me and my brother were supposed to leave at 8:30, we woke up at 8:50) i had to find my class by myself, never having been on that part of the campus ever... not knowing where building 63 is. let alone my room....

crazy.


oh and by the way, chris brown is amazing, im listening to Wall to Wall by him. so good.

anyway, i found the class, SO FUN! Sign Language class. my teacher is deaf, so thats an experience. theres no voices in class. thats something new for me.

after that i went home in the scorching heat... oh and after seeing like 12 (no exaguration) people on campus me and jackie know.


okay... now heres the good part.



i was considering taking an oceanography class but its tuesday and thursday nights, which would conflict with tuesday group, and worship practice. but i was seriously considering cancelling tuesday group to try out the first class... im glad i didnt.... heres why.


today was an AMAZING tuesday group....

at first the group was talkin about stuff, the general highs and lows, and then we got into church things, and then the group... like... where its going kind of... like... how we should get deeper in God together... and well thats not even the good part!

so were talking about my past tuesday group in Encinitas how thats how it should be... and seriously...



i cried 3 times... thats a LOT for trying to hide it the whole time... because i was thinking about jeff the whole time... (just a reminder, jeff is the leader of the Encinitas tuesday group who died)

and like, it was just intense. i dont know who saw, but i was trying to hide it.

and THEN! the group sort of "ended" but there were 5 other people still there and i just had to go inside to gain my composure...


(of which did 2 other times,)

so when i go out my soul friend is talking about her highs and lows... (we hadnt gotten to me, her, or another guy that left earlier yet cause we were talking about the group) and so i was thinking "what am i gonna do? i just cried, i dont know what to do. i dont want to burden them ahhhh." so then her turn ended... and they were talking about other things too, and then someone piped up "what about summer's turn?" and so they were like okay... your turn... and well... i had meant to say "im not okay...." cause that sentence had been running through my head for a while now...


but all i got out was i-- and then i had to stop cause i didnt want to cry.... so i did the whole like... look up really high, and not talk, and kind of like... let out a sigh/laugh trying to suck in your feelings again.... so after doing that a bunch, then my stupid chin started quivvering.... which well... ruined everything! so after that the tears flowed! like i mean a lot! i was crying, and saying sorry and crying and then i finally got out the sentence. "im not okay" and then i started crying even harder! and THEN i said that i cried 3 times about jeff and that people probably dont even know who jeff is. and that it was really getting to me. because tuesday group was supposed to be my sanctuary but half of the people werent paying attention... and really... there is like... a spiritual bond with the people at that group... more than family, more than friends, everyone there i love so, so, so much! since the first day, and the leader, jeff, is gone. and i cant ask him how he started his group, how its thrived, how things happend. so i was saying that, and i couldnt say his name... i just said "and then..." and i covered my face cause i started sobbing uncontrolably (i dont care about spelling) like... the hardest ive ever cried in front of ANYONE EVER! i felt so vulnerable but it was soooo good. so anyway, i talked about how much i hold back for other people's benefit, like... i dont want to be a burden so i dont talk about things... and also like.. trust...

anyway, i was bawling, others were crying with and for me and for their relations to my problem... it was so nice... and then everyone started opening up a lot and just like... it was so spiritual... and then i was seeing angels (i was seeing them the whole night... i loved it.) and i described them and my friend like... affirmed that they felt that too, and like... it was so cool. cause it was different than anything ive seen before. like... i dont even know... and then i was giggling and laughing and everyone else was giggling too. and it was just really cool. and then we got to praying, and like... i was feeling some oppression because of well... oppression, and like my other friend saw something and i felt like that one wasnt good... which probably doesnt make sense in that sentence but whatever.


so we were praying, rebuking, and then we prayed for another member of the group that had leaved earlier, and it was just really cool.


and then everyone left but my soul friend, and then my affirming friend. (both of which im best friends with) and so we were talkin, and then one left, and i needed to talk with my soul friend... i needed to know what is up with her, deeper than what went on earlier... and so we were talking... and i spoke from my soul into hers and i was looking straight into her eyes and told her that she can trust me with ANYTHING. and then we both started crying, and i was saying that theres nothing she could say that could change how much i love her. and then we hugged and i told her i loved her like... in her eyes.. like... deep... and it was so great because our souls were linked at that time.


God bless her right now. oh gosh.

but yeah... that was my night.





oh and.


im really thinking that i might be in love.... like... with someone who wont return it. because well... i just know.



and it really sucks.



i was afraid of this, and i didnt want this. but it happend.


and it hurts.


but i want their happiness more than mine, and really... im not the type of person that goes around saying im in love... i truly believe ive never been, and i believe that when you are in love, you know.


but then again, what do i know? its never happend to me.


but really.


i think i may be. the reason im saying that i might be, is because im not letting myself because im afraid of it cause they wouldnt love me. but when they are hurting, i hurt. and i want to do everything in my power to take their hurt away and take it on me and like... have their pain for them. and like... their happiness is priority. as long as their well being. and when im happy, i want them to share in it.



i know that i know that i know, that if they liked me back enough, that i would be SO in love with them. like... for sure.





ahh...


i need to get out of this town.

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