Monday, August 4, 2008

career?

i know, i just said its all good, but i mean like... life in general, my attitude towards life is good....


but... back to issues.


lately ive been thinking a LOT about my future... like.. career choices n stuff... and its been a real struggle! im suprised how much its affecting me.


like.... i LOVE music! so much! and i love being on stage and playing music...

but lately, ive been thinking more about LA and hollywood and like... big concerts and showmanship and rock 'n' roll... like... back to my life-long desire of being a musician... a rockstar....


and usually like... that wouldnt suck to think about for someone because it would be like.. okay... a dream.... try out for american idol, write songs, get in a recording studio, get started.


but for me, im so afraid its not what God wants... because i mean... i want it SO BAD! like... so bad! like ive cried so many times about it i want it so bad. i mean i KNOW i havent been given musical ability for no reason... i just dont know if its supposed to JUST be used for worshipe leading in encounter, or if its exclusively for worship leading, or if im able to be a musician... like... in hollywood. like... famous...


i just dont know... because seriously, i SUCK at writing songs... like... suck.... seriously... im so critical about everything i write... im convinced that everything i write is terrible... seriously i hate everything i write... and so thats holding me back because well... how can i be a musician if i cant write music?!? i mean i can write, but i need like... a perfector.... a consultant... someone who can help me write it... like... help me rhyme, someone who is GOOD like... professional.... someone that someone in hollywood would get perhaps?


and like... seriously... i can sing... im not doubting that.... im not saying im whitney houston or something but i can carry a tune... and singing live i would be fine... and in a studio i would be fine too... and like wearing cool clothes, meeting fans, signing autographs!! that would be so amazing! and being on stage with a great band, and doing cool things on-stage for showmanship?!? that would be so fun!!! i think i can handle it... i can be grounded, i can still focus on God, worship him, spend time with him....


so why the heck cant i do it?!?!?!

well, i have no idea how im gonna get up to the top without being able to write myself, also being a girl, not having connections, i mean seriously i would do ANYTHING! i just dont know how much my family is behind it... they doubt me a lot.... like last year i asked if i could try out for american idol because they had tryouts in SD and well they said that i probably wouldnt even make it to hollywood, (the 2nd round) and that just crushed me!!!! and then this year i asked and my mom said fine but they didnt have tryouts in SD again, and i forgot about it when it came around and im sure my family wouldnt want to drive up to LA for an audition.

but once again, the issue of not knowing if its what God wants for me...



well.... to make a long story short,

ive been breaking down in my room about it because i want it so bad, so, ive started to TRY to write music.... i have like... about a 70% done song, at least lyric-wise, and well i need to come up with a solid tune, and perfect the lyrics and maybe add some more,


i dont know.

but i hope hope hope i have a future in music... in LA...


oh and... marrying Joe Jonas would be a plus. :P

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