Monday, September 29, 2008

so theres this guy...

he's been the constant focus of my mind for the past 2 days. everytime i see him i go crazy inside. ive been very fond of him for quite some time now, (like... oh say a year?) but its been getting worse as of late (starting this summer), and im about ready to explode!


usually when i like a guy and i dont know if he likes me back, i hurt and thats always on my mind. but this time i just like thinking about him, his personality, our interactions, etc. it makes me happy, and i have no idea why.


i looked through my list and he fits it more than i thought he would! even things i didnt even write down yet!

he even tops the jonas brothers! (if that makes sense) like if he were standing side by side with joe jonas i wouldnt pick joe! and thats saying something!


im going crazy over him!!!! :]


hah michael knows who im talking about.



gahhhh goin crazy!

:]

im excited for the next time i see him!






it would be so cute if we ended up together!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

iPhone!!!

oh my gosh!

I am on spencers iPhone... It's SO INTENSE!!!!

I'm like going crazy right now!!!

I love it!

I want one soooo bad!!!

Well I should go. The touch screen is hard to type on.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

nice girls

so me and shannon e. were talking about how apparantly nice girls are hard to find these days.


because you cant be a friend to someone (with no other intentions than being a friend) and be a nice person to a guy, without them attaching to you and thinking that you dig them.


because well... im sorry boys.


if a girl is nice to you, or is friends with you, or listens to your issues, that doesnt exactly mean shes into you, i mean it may in some cases, but not all... there is such a thing as just a nice girl. no strings attached.



i cant tell you how many times ive had guys on my tail just because i listened to a problem of theirs.



its as if im the only person that will be nice to them! i know plenty of girls who will listen,




so really... what im sayin with this is, if you ever think i like you because im being nice to you,



dont hint at anything,

dont hint at liking me,

dont pursue me,

i cant date anyway,

and really, you dont want me to have to go to the measures ive gone before to get a guy to stop pestering me about dating them.


it really is painful for me, and i dont like hurting someone's feelings, because sometimes... the only way for me to prove to you that im being a friend, and nothing more, is to be a complete jerk to you.


or ignore you, and im sorry for that because i do want to be friends, but in order for you to think im "not as nice as you thought" i have to be well... not nice.


and trust me, ive tried nicer ways, but it just doesnt work.


this is my way of helping you. im not trying to sound like a jerk and i know im probably sounding like it, but i dont know how else to explain it.


but really. come on now guys.

stupid

i dont like being taken advantage of.


or being the favored one, when certain people arent around.


because when when the special people are around, then all of the buddy-buddiness from before is completely voided.


i hate it when they favor the other person on other days, and act like your the most annoying person on the face of the planet when your there.


but of coarse when that person leaves then your their best friend again.


it just bugs me, the inconsistancy.

Blue Book Essay Test

okay so i was supposed to get a blue book for an essay test im supposed to do for ASL tomorrow, and well... i forgot to get it, or even freeking study for it!!!!



so im kind of freaking out.


and my brother didnt help by telling me how much it "didnt matter".


so that was buggin me.


so yeah.

thats just one short update i felt like blogging about.

selfless

this selfless thing is getting harder and harder, well... not so much harder, but getting more and more annoying!


like


VERY VERY annoying!


most of the things that are annoying is not speaking up for myself or what i want, to benefit the other person, so they get what they want.



like...


watching a scary movie.


i HATE scary movies.


i agreed to watch a scary movie. (putting in a few hesitations and ehhh's hoping someone would catch onto my discomfort)


i did not watch one bit of it.


i kept my phone open, acting like im texting, having my leg up so i cant see the screen incase im tempted to look when those climactic violins start going.


i did that for about 20 minutes.


i texted my brother, hoping he would come and see its scary and ask if im okay with it and hopefully say something for me.

i texted my mom, asking her to come pick me up,


i even denied caring about watching it when their mom said "watch something everyone wants to watch"


all because i didnt want to be an inconvenience to everyone else.


its just i dont think they quite understand the impact scary movies have on me.


it doesnt matter if its "not scary" to them.


i guess a bunny was talking about the world ending and seriously...


thats SO SCARY to me. because thats some of the things im afraid of seeing or hearing.


like...


movies where everyone dies and its all gory, that doesnt matter.


but faces, things i can actually picture, new avenues for my mind to wander, just terrible!


people dont understand how many dreams i would have, how many sleepless nights i would have, how many times i would see the faces or objects or creatures.



let alone the fact that everyone else was on the couch together, and i was alone sitting on a chair at the end of the room.


of coarse it made me wish i had a boyfriend, to stick up for me, to comfort me when im scared, to warn me when something too scary might happen, to NOT make fun of me when its "not scary" to everyone else.


but whatever.

small groups

small groups is amazing! im soooo glad im in my new group! its more than i even realised a small group could be!


im soooo stoked for whats to come! this is seriously the best group ive ever had!


me and shannon were talking about how excited we are for this small group and like... whats to come.


yay :]


tonight was AMAZING and seriously so spiritual.


more than i knew would happen.


lsdkjfsldjkf i love it!!!!!!!! :]

hosting

the problem with me, is when i have a guitar and im on a stage, im terrible at talking, i hate talking, i hate praying, its just... weird for me.

but when im talking, completely just talking, with a microphone, im good! im comfortable.


and well...


ever since ive been in encounter ive wanted to be on production and like... hosting... but i cant cause im worship leader and stuff like that. and it would end up being like.. the Summer Show. which i dont want.


but really, i like talking! i mean, i even want to be in drama. talking on stage, etc. but its just difficult cause i always make a big deal about not wanting to pray during worship.


maybe if like... david starts leading or something, or maybe in new format, then i can host. but until then, im just the worship leader.



which brings me to another thing and also kind of a segway into my next post.

im the worship leader for my small group (we all have jobs, thats mine)


i didnt pick it, and i mean, i guess its cool that i can? but really, im always the worship leader. like... tuesday group, encounter (obviously), and now small groups.


sometimes i want to show what else i can do. that im not just "summer, the worship leader" i dont want to say anything though because well... i just... dont.

solo

okay... i know that people see me sing multiple songs every sunday. its nothing new.


but this week, when i sang in main service, i really wished that my friends would come and listen to me sing.


and well...


michael did on his own... and thats it.


well okay noah and gabe half did. they were already at church cause they missed hope for the homeless, and i didnt want to sit in service alone so i begged them to come to service with me on friday.


but honestly. even though im always on stage on sundays,


when im singing solo without a guitar, a hard song, in MAIN...


im terrrriiiffiiieeddd!!! i feel so judged on that stage for some reason. like everything has to be PERFECT or people will think im a total failure and a terrible singer.


seriously, im like shaking before every service. i hide it well when im on stage but seriously... im so mechanical on stage cause im so focused on getting it right and making it good.



so i really really really wanted my friends to be there to support me, i mean some friends just were there and got to hear me but thats not the point. i dont care if my friends went there to hear me sing and plugged their ears, i just want their presence FOR ME. i was so touched and appreciative when michael told me he went to hear me sing.



i just was hoping for a little group of maybe like 3? standing in the back waiting for me to finish and walk with me back over to encounter.


and of coarse when that didnt happen i got in like a downward spiral of self-pity, questioning my friendships, satan just being stupid with my mind lying complete out-there lies.


but still.

it did get me down.


not to mention i wasnt too happy to sing in the first place. especially with missing matt embree.


but all in all, hearing the feedback and the ways i touched people through the song, was seriously... AMAZING!!!


im not letting it go to my head, dont worry, its all God... seriously... i was praying through the song "please dont let my voice crack, please help me to hit this note, please help me start right, please let the band and i be in sync" and like practicing the song at home was terrible like, voice mess ups all over the place so its completely God working it out that it even remotely sounded good.


but tonight a new small group leader with Sarah (in my small group) said that her friend turned to her and said "thats my favorite singer"

and seriously, like... typing that up right now makes me want to cry because thats so touching and seriously the nicest thing ever!

i kind of felt weird though because like... i was smiling, glowing actually, from that comment, and i was reaaaaalllly hoping that the girls in the group werent thinking that its all going to my head. because its not! im not letting it!


those thoughts always go through my head anytime i get a compliment when im around my friends is "ahhhh, dont say that here! i dont want my friends thinking its going to my head"


but honestly, im suprised at the impact of the song. jason even said good things and that means a lot coming from him.


a lady on sunday came up to me and asked "were you the girl that sang that song today?" and i was like "yeah" and she said "i was looking for you everywhere! thank you so much! i love that song! whats it called?" and she gave me a hug. that was so touching.


i think God was probably doing this to help me. kind of saying "i know you didnt want to do this, and feel weird about singing and made sacrifices, so heres a thousand compliments to make you feel touched, to remember the next time your asked to sing, because i want you to keep doing this."

nucleus of truth

okay, so in my family, i was taught that in every joke there is a hint of truth of its origin.


even sarcasm, theres a bit of truth behind it. maybe not complete truth, but some. at least with the sarcaser's feelings (new word haha)


so thats been bugging me, like... when people say some "jokes" that i know are kind of half-true, but they make it seem like its completely not.


i dont know.

its weird.


so thats been getting to me.

i feel as though im making no sense whatsoever but i dont care.


this blog is for me to get out stuff!

i apologize

well first off, let me just say, to the few who read my blog, i apologize for the amount of updates you are about to encounter.


i wrote down 8 topics i wanted to blog about but never got around to.


the 8 topics will have their own seperate blog, so ill try and make them short.


but ill start with the first one (in no particular order)


Boys...


me and my interaction with boys, is getting on my nerves.


I think im over someone and totally fine, and then something happends where everything goes right back to when i liked them in the first place.


its so annoying!


i sware, yesterday i didnt like anyone!


today, different story.


so annoying!


ive been kind of hoping that they like me back, just cause well... that would be nice...


i dont think they even know about my blog, or even read it for that matter, but i wont say who it is just in case.


because well... that would just be awkward on many levels, and really... unneeded. i mean im not aloud to date anyway. so i dont see what it would accomplish. except for well... awkwardness.

so okay.

end of first topic.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

weird.

okay, so just now i was listening to music and well, sometimes i dont realize the "expression" my hands are in...


like for instance, sometimes when im finger-spelling i lift my left lower arm up a bit and let my hand go limp cause im focusing on the other one.


sometimes i point haha


well, anyway, this time i was listening to music (as i said) and i was clenching my fist... but like... loosely, cause i wasnt paying enough attention to strain the muscles.


so all in all, my hand was gettin a bit hot. so i opened my hand and looked at it and like... looked at the tips of my fingers, and like... they were kind of sparkly (i dont know why)


random note: for some reason i find random bursts of sparkles on me and i have NO IDEA how they got there... i like it, but still... its just weird.


anyway


i was looking closely at my hand and i saw little pores in my hand.


and for some reason it was like.... beautiful.


because they were inside the prints...


and then i started like... being mesmorized and amazed at my hand print... and like...


i dont know


its just crazy.


just thought i would share it.


and... that i probably look/ed really stupid (in the middle of typing this ive looked at my hand up close several times) in the process.


but still

its cool

amazing

weird.


oh yeah, i dont feel like posting a picture.

Monday, September 22, 2008

haha, oh encounter.

so on the encounter blog (encounterhsm.blogspot.com)

theres a weekly survey.


and well...

this week's was "if you could change one thing about you what would it be?"

there was

"my muscles"
"my face"
and then 2 others i dont remember.


but...

out of 6 people doing the poll thing,


of coarse


4 people said
"my muscles"


i think... that encounter has a bit of a muscle issue,

everyone (or well, a majority of my friends of the male species) is obsessed with their muscles. always working out, always commenting on each other's muscles, always asking how their muscles are looking,


when i saw the survey and saw the answer "muscles" i knew that would be the winner.



haha.

AHHHH pt. 2

okay so im eating Cocoa Puffs right now (yes at 3:00)


and for those of you who know the joy that is, the cocoa puff, then you know that the puffs soak up the milk if you dont eat them right away.


and well...


i was at the end of my cereal amount, and the last spoonful i pick up happend to have one puff in particular, that had.... a face...


not just any face.


a scared face!


one that was saying "AHHHH!!!" i took a picture of it with my phone haha.

unfortunately im unable to get my pictures from my phone onto the computer, so i apologize.


but if ever you see me in person, you should see the picture of the cute little cocoa puff who knew what was coming to him.

AHHHH

Heroes is on tonight!!!!!!! aldksjlskdjflsdkfj


yayyyyy!!!!


im so excited!

vacation

Me and my family went up to Del Mar for a vacation (we have a timeshare and this year we traded for a place in del mar to try it out,) and well, it was..... interesting.


i think its probably a mixture of our lives being different this year, and different responsabilities this week, and also the room was nice but... there was nothing to do!!! also it was yuppie-ville to the extreme!


i mean, ive been in Del Mar, i know rich people live there and stuff, but this was crazy! it was like downtown del mar and everyone was wearing really nice clothes and nice shoes, nice everything. i felt out of place. i mean... its RIGHT by the beach. i dont think a suit and tie, and beach front homes, work together. i mean. you should have cut off jean-shorts and a t-shirt and people everywhere walking around with skateboards, guitars, and surfboards. no suits and ties and ladies with dresses and heels and their hair done perfectly. what about dreds and beach frizz?!? it was just weird.

finally on the last day i actually saw someone with a guitar and a t-shirt and shorts. there was like a group of guys. one had a guitar, one had a ukelele, and one had a longboard (skateboard) and then there were two others that were just... there...

me and my mom and my brother walked by and the cutest one out of all of them (i always search for some reason) said "wanna hear a song?" and i just smiled and said "haha no thanks."

but it turns out we were going to starbucks (okay actually it doesnt turn out, more like i asked my mom if we could go to starbucks) and we sat outside, and well, thats right where all the guys were sitting (they were at another building on the steps) and my brother was teasing me a bunch about saying "they were cute werent they? you love them. just go over there and make-out with them already." so that was annoying. but i kept telling my brother that only one of them was cute. (the one with the guitar that asked me if i wanted to hear a song) and well... apparantly del mar is small, or the guys just happend to keep showing up everywhere we were. if i exchanged my mom and brother for 2 friends, (preferably ones that the one i liked wouldnt think were attractive) i totally would have listened to a song and gotten their names and hung out with them for a bit... but my mom was there... ah. all flirting gets shut off when im with her.


but it was nice seeing them everywhere we went because the one guy would look at me and smile as we walked by each other. oh also, while we were at starbucks the guys started playing "im yours" by Jason Mraz on the guitar and ukelele and one of the guys sang it. it was nice. especially cause the guitar guy actually could play.


i wish i got his name! or at least stayed longer to hopefully see him throughout the week. maybe by myself, or with my sister? or with my friend who i wanted to hang out with that week up in del mar.


unfortunately that was the highlight of the vacation part of the week... i mean... there were good things, but i dont know... it was just the best part, seeing the guy. hah. of coarse looking at him, the thought crossed my mind "is that him?"
(from the list, post)

i kind of worried for like... 2 seconds... that i may have missed my chance to meet him. but then i realised. if im supposed to meet him, everything will turn out to where i meet him and get to know him. i dont think i missed him. its just not time yet.


oh also, for some reason, all this week i watched AMAZING movies i had never seen before!!! like... not one wasnt great!


like.

Penelope (probably my new favorite movie or at least favorite chick flick)
Garden State (well i didnt watch that one in del mar, but it was this week)
V for Vendetta
Be Kind Rewind
Drillbit Taylor (wasnt AMAZING but was funny)
I Am Sam
and Stardust.


hopefully we go back to carlsbad next year. my dad liked del mar. but i didnt. i only want to go back to del mar if it means i get to meet the guy. hah.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

list




So, last week i made a list.

A list of all the character traits and beliefs and things that i want in a guy.


i started out just expecting to make just one page... 2 tops, but it ended up being 3 pages back to back! (6 total)


i never knew how much i wanted! (or at least preferred)


i guess my dad made a list when he was younger and my mom fit it perfectly, even the random optional things. so i have hope.


i also have some do's and dont's in there.


for instance.


he needs to be confident but not concieted (or cocky), humble but not self-cauntious.


he needs to have a good family and backround. no issues that could come back around or influence the future. for instance, if i love his parents, i become more attracted to him. i dont know why, but i do.


he needs to be able to take control when need be, but not be controlling or needing to be in control for things to go "right" or "his way"

he needs to have the same beliefs/morals/ and political views as me.


and even some random things.


he needs to be taller than me WHEN IM IN HEELS! so at LEAST 5'11, taller if possible.


and no mustaches! im sorry but in all my life spencer is the only one that a mustache actually works for.


and also good hair genes. im sorry but, baldness to me is unnattractive.

oh and, he needs to have a VOICE. (preferrably one that makes me melt, and can harmonize)




so yeah, thats just a SMALL SMALL part of the list.


This list is always with me now... its in my "song book" that i keep in my purse (the little owl one) when im having a hard time getting over a guy, i just look at the list and it makes me feel better.



seriously...


when i was writing it i started to fall for the guy im writing about.


i hope he's out there somewhere.


i KNOW that if i found a guy that matches all those things, i would fall in love instantly.


wouldnt it be so cute if he wrote a list too and i matched them?!?!! that would be so cute!



im really confident im gonna find him. like... more than most things. i have a lot of hope in God.


hah, ever since i wrote it ive looked at random guys differently. like... "is that him?"


i feel like im going to meet him when im around 18 or 19, i dont know why, but i guess ill have a broken heart? and ill have forgotten about the list.


thats just a feeling/thought/fantasy in my head.

hairy men, please keep your shirts on.

so today me and my brother were driving home from G-mont College and this guy was mowing his lawn out front.... now, he had a wall in front of him (his driveway was gated and walled) and so his lower half was behind the wall... and well...


he was shirtless.


now, not in a good way.


he had the biggest pot belly i have ever seen. i thought he was going to pop!


and he was SO HAIRY! i mean, he was like... bare on his back but on his chest he was like a monkey! you could get lost in that forest!


like... imagine Austin Powers, basically like that, but a bit more gorilla-ish.



he was behind the wall... shirtless... i thought he was mowing in the nude, which was a TERRIBLE mental picture. blegh.


so basically, hairy gorilla men, keep your shirts on. if your too hot with a shirt on, maybe you shouldnt have so much extra hair!

hairiness to me, is in no way attractive.


i mean, maybe to some people that are into that kind of stuff, but to me, no thanks.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

this morning...

so today, as i said in the previous post, i was driving home from Del Mar this morning, and me and my mom were sitting mostly in silence (i mean, we werent talking much except for the occasional "should i get over?") but i asked her to put in my Hillsong United CD, (which has been in my purse for the past... forever)


and so we were listening to that, and well... i can multi-task but this time was different.


i was driving and focusing on the road, but also listening and singing to the songs... and i realised that my physical me was driving and singing and listening, but my soul was also listening and singing. and sometimes while i was driving (nothing would change really,) but i would tap into my soul kind of... and like.. what i was doing and thinking wouldnt change, but somehow i would be living through my soul a bit more than before. and everytime i did that i would kind of get overwhelmed from the music and like... kind of get a jolt in my stomach and get a bit choked up and then i would get out of that and back into driving... but every now and then i would do that and it was so weird but cool!



its so.... different. when you tap into your soul. not just a "okay now im tapping into my soul, what does my soul want to say right now?" like sometimes when im talking to someone or watching (not creepily) someone for a few seconds, i can see their soul beneath everything else. sometimes its sad, sometimes its happy, but all the time its amazing. its like... your peering into an orb inside your body that shows pictures and thoughts and truth.



i think, maybe, your soul cant lie. like... you can, your flesh can, but i dont think your soul lies.... at least not much...



it was really interesting, one day i was with my friend and we were searching each other's souls and we were going to watch a movie and like... the dvd menu thing was on that was showing like... little parts of the movie in a little faded circle on the menu... and we were like... in the zone... and then i looked to the screen and kind of tried to search their souls (its a lot harder when your not looking them right in the eyes and they are actually physically there) but while i was doing that, i could like... see their thoughts kind of, and their acting suddenly became bad. every now and then i would do that while watching a movie or tv show, and the acting would turn bad, it was just weird. like... i didnt purposefully think their acting was bad, but it just... happend. cause i could see who they were a bit. or at least, who they werent.


its very interesting.

my only problem with knowing how to see souls, is that ive started learning how to hide mine better. which kind of scares me more than people seeing it.


but i gotta get to class so bye.

speeding

okay, well, david already posted a blog somewhat like this, but i had the idea as well.

It really bugs me when people get pissed off at you for going too slow when your already over the speed limit! i mean, when people zoom by me i dont think "wow, that guy sure is cool. i mean look at how fast he is!" i just think "that guy's an ass".


like today, i was driving home from del mar to pick up books before my ASL class, (which is in a half hour) and well, in the mornings, or well whenever really, i like to drive in that little blank spot between the jumble of cars. i like to be the one in the front, but going slow, like at a relaxed pace... not like... old person slow, but like... um... maybe the speed limit, perhaps? and i mean if cars wanted to get by me they could, but i love it when they dont. when they go the speed limit with me... i feel like we are in unity, like were all happy and relaxed and driving safe in our own group. like if the freeway suddenly ended and we all had to park we would get out and like give each other high fives and hugs and say "good job guys!"



and like if someone zoomed by i felt like the group was feeling my annoyance with me. and if the road ended then we would all get together and chew out that guy, at the same time, because we are unified.


haha.


this is the world i live in sometimes.


it may be a bit naive, but its happy.

Friday, September 12, 2008

HCS

So today i crashed my old school. but well.. it still is my school but i dont go there.


well...


its complicated.


like...



im homeschooled, but theres a program where you can take classes with other homeschoolers and you go through like... a system... and you can choose whether or not to take those classes, or to be strictly homeschooled...


so growing up i did the classes, but this is my first year where im taking college classes at Grossmont. so i stopped the classes at HCS cause im gonna be a lot busier. but today, after my ASL class me and my brother went to HCS during their lunch and hung out with Noah and Shannon E. and a few others. it was suprising to see how many people started going to Classday 2 from Classday 1 (only HCSers would understand what that means) so i got to see people i hadnt seen in like... ages...



but i could feeeeeel the pissed off stares of all the conservative mothers looking me up and down judging every inch of me because i DARE to dye my hair an unnatural color...


oh no..


call the police!!! im such a rebellious kid!


haha


only THERE can i actually feel like a badass.


everywhere else im a wimp...


ohhhh they should get a load of some of my friends... they would be gasping all over the place! hahahaha


just to get a taste of how rediculous it is, theres a no hugging rule, no dating rule (?!?), back in the day there were no ripped jeans rule, no spikes of any kind on any part of your body including your backpack, just watch... because me and my brother went there they will say, no mohawks, and bleach spots in the mohawk, and no dying of any kind on any hair.


i know theres some conservative schools where you cant hug frontally, you cant dye your hair, but seriously... they start making up rules because of ONE kid! and seriously.


the moms complain SO SO SO MUCH! about other kids... like... one of my friends almost got "expelled" (like thats gonna do anything, what are you gonna do? make them HOMESCHOOLED?!?) because of innapropriate clothing (not even bad... like... when your shirt accidentially goes up like when you bend over, or sit down or something.) or showing bra-straps... its like... oh come on!!!



they almost... ALMOST! had dancing at the formal last year (like swing dancing) but too many parents refused because they wouldnt let their child dance. (this formal is for highschoolers only.) i mean i can understand like grinding n stuff, but swing dancing? ballroom dancing? dancing of ANY KIND?!?! that isnt innapropriate?!? why the heck not?!?!


last year i was going to start a petition to put dancing in the school.


but then... i left... hah


but i still get to go to the formal :]

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Little Squirt Song

hahahahahahahaha. okay so me and michael...


man....


we get random when we're tired.


so tonight were outside around his fire-pit thing and were rippin up paper and putting them on the logs and watching them catch on fire and like crumple up. and well okay...

first...


before they catch on fire, michael makes a little man (like running fingers) and he like "skips" on the paper to the tetris theme song until it catches on fire and then he like "jumps" and goes like "wuaahhhhhh!!!!!"


so we crack up about that everytime he does it,


and then michael makes the paper into like a tube (biiiig tube) so the smoke goes through it and sticks it in the middle of the logs and then takes it out as its on fire and blows the smoke out of it and says in a weird grunty voice "oh man!!!! its like a big doobie!!!!"


so we crack up about that.


then me and michael start rubbing our hands and then putting them over the fire and we would rub them at the same time and like... stopping at the same time (on purpose) and everytime we would stop the fire would pop!!!! it was so exciting! (i squeaked a lot) so we would do it more and it would pop again, and so ive decided when we just do it regular it pops. when we rub slow it hisses, and then we do it really fast it goes "woosh" and the fire gets big for a second. IT WAS SO EXCITING! so everytime it would make a noise me and michael would fall into our chairs and start cracking up. and then do it again and be like "ahhhh we gotta do it!!!!"



and then when that was over, we started grabbing the smoke and like... throwing it over to the clean air (i have no idea why) and then michael started making like a song weird tribe kind of noises but they werent exactly tribal just yet, they were more like just weird grunts... and then i joined in and kind of started making weird ones too and then we both turned it into a beat and like... tribal. and were like... flashing our hands at the fire and like "pushing" the smoke into the fire and like waving our hands in the smoke, as we were making the song... and then once again we crack up and fall into our chairs and i said "that was the Little Squirt Song!" and we both start cracking up again... but more-so.



and also, the entire night i would randomly try to make the fire start up again by making a high-pitched quiet long squeak and like put my hands towards the fire to make it magically start up again. (it wouldnt) so we would crack up about that.



then michael does his "bill burr" face... which really... is indescribable... everytime i see it i crack up like... craaccckkk upppp like... silent-cant-breathe laughter. and he does this voice with it... with like the smacking of the lips in the words... like

"*pta*weyell.... *pta*oym byell berrr........ *pta*uyund oy *pta*wuhs ruhnning *pta*theyes tull boooth. *pta*uyund theyurr wuhs uh fffantummmmmm*pta*ah."

Translation: (*pta* means smacking lips.) well, im bill burr, and i was running this toll booth. and there was a phantom (that was one of the actual things he said)


so i crack up.... a lot... and we talk about how we should make a documentary on bill burr... but then i say we should make one on just us... doing random things when were tired and weird.



haha.... we have such good times. im glad i know him. im glad hes my best friend.



this doesnt need an actual picture, i think your mind's eye is enough. a picture would ruin it and not even do it justice because it was an amazing time. haha.

Frick!

okay so im freeking bummed/pissed.



here's the deal. so i plan on going to this concert (well... cafe-performance) of this guy who is like... amazing... (Matt Embree, Lead singer of Rx Bandits) and like... meet him and talk to him and just like... hang out with him. (oh and by the way, hes not the best looking in photographs, but in person, he is freeeeeeeeking sexy)



and so ive been planning on going to this for like.... ever!!!! like... 2 months! and i forgot whether or not it was the 12th or the 19th... and i was pretty sure it was the 12th... so the 19th didnt even occur in my mind when Jason asked me to sing a song for the main service next weekend. so i say yes


which freeking sucks...

because it IS! the 19th...


and well.. we have a friday night service, and 2 sunday morning services, and well... the friday night service starts at 7:00...


and guess what else starts at 7:00 that same friday!!!!!



THE FREEKING LOVE YOU MOON PERFORMANCE!!! (love you moon is the name of Matt Embree's solo project)



and well... me having a big conscience, and feeling terrrrrrible if i say i cant on friday (after i already said i could)




im stuck.





UGHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE SELFLESS MOMENTS SOMETIMES!!!!


especially with this!!!! this doesnt happen! it probably WONT happen for a really really long time!!!



i dont think people quite understand my anger and complete suckiness i feel about this right now!!!




grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.




slfkjsdlkfskljshitskldjfskldjlfkjsdfl

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

tunnel through the house

This is from the website (www.geekologie.com) if you go to the Gadgets button thats where i found these.





Just in case you were wondering, yes, every home needs a bizarre tunnel running straight through it. More shots of this curious thing after the jump.













okay this is me now.

isnt that crazy!?!?!?!? who in their right mind would do that? and how would you walk around the tunnel? like... you would basically have 2 houses with a tunnel through it because i doubt you could go under it or over it.


thats just bizarre to me.

just thought i would share it.

hah what you can find on google

wow.. okay so i was looking at some high heels cause well i like heels.



and i found these.




They are convertible heels...

heres the story that goes with the picture...


"Sheila's Wheels, a spinoff division of UK insurance company eSure, has created a pair of convertible stilettos. The company markets insurance to women and found that British women regularly wear inappropriate footwear when driving, so they developed Sheila's Heels, which is a regular stiletto that folds down flat for driving. It even has a grip pattern on the sole for better pedal control. Although I can't imagine a single woman actually buying these."



along with those i found this.




"The Wear Your Seat is basically a semi-rigid padded cushion that you wear on your back so you can sit down comfortably no matter where you are. It actually looks pretty comfortable, but they can't actually expect to sell any of these can they? I mean, look at it. The only people that would actually wear this in public are neon TMNT fans and people who hate themselves."



and also i found this. which i think would be a good thing for me.



"Designers Sofie Collin and Gustav Lanber have developed The Carpet Alarm Clock, which forces you to get up and step on it in order to turn it off. Which sounds pretty good in theory, but you'd just end up walking back to your bed and falling asleep. What they really need to do is develop an alarm clock that just lights you on fire in the morning."






"From the designer's site:

'The number keys are like pieces of pretty quartz crystal (with LED light at the bottom). Once pressed, the key will shine like brilliant jewel. The super large screen, the perfect display of incoming call, and such functions as calendar, phone book and super luxurious speaker phone all add up to the great enjoyment of the home phone luxury.'

I believe it's just a concept, but that's one of the most stunning phones I've ever seen. It looks like it'd break at the touch, but the two hours you get to spend looking at it before it does would be totally worth it."



and finally.





"Designers Mike and Maaike found some low resolution pictures of famous and expensive jewelry using Google Image Search and then stole, doctored, and transferred the images to leather. The result is this pixelated leather jewelry which I guess resembles the real thing from really really far away. "





can you say, cheap?!?


i was amused by this website... i think i may look at it some other day because its really interesting.



but... i also found this crazy tunnel through the house thing, which deserves its own post in itself.


so read the above post and you will see.

change

i want a change, i want a new life.


something different.

i know everyone wants change, but its different.


i want to BE different.


i want to live the life i lived when i was in Lake Arrowhead.


swimming everyday, looking stylish at night, going down to the little town down there and hanging out, swing dancing at the weekly festival, going out on the town every night. meeting people everyday. good moods, happy times.


i miss Lake Arrowhead :[



i pretty much want to live a city life. but have adventure too. i want to go on an adventure in the day and be peaceful yet exciting, and then have fun partying at night. but like... innocent fun...


i know this seems like a weird thing to want, but i want to start wearing dresses,



and high heels, and go places where i need to get done up, i want to start looking... fashionable. not just like... good... like... certain colors work together, but like... actually stylish... like... layering perfectly, accessorizing, doing my hair all cool and different,


i dont know...


i just feel like im too.... blah right now. i feel like i need to make a statement.

i need a style that matches the fire inside me that is being hidden.


i know this is a weird and semi-pointless post but whatever. i dont care.

Goggles

I realised today when i was admiring michael phelps, (hah) that when people wear goggles they look like weird lizard alien people.


like... their eyes are all suctioned into the goggles and their eyebrows are over the goggles... and like i dont know...


its just weird...


everyone looks so angry when they wear goggles too because of the whole eyebrow thing.






if that doesnt look enough like it, look at my previous post about attractive people (titled hey there good lookin) with the extremely attractive picture of michael phelps (excuse the speedo part)

Air Drumming


Ive realised that Air-drumming is good practice if you dont have your own drumset to play on. Its not just some wierd thing you do when your listening to music you know the beat to. It can actually help.

Ive learned a lot of beats that way. I put them into practice on tables, or an actual drum-set at church.


Air-drumming while i was cleaning my room (i know, weird to do at the same time) but thats how i got a step closer to complete independance. (if you dont know anything about drumming, then you wont understand what that means... but basically its where you can play seperate beats with seperate body parts and it wont screw you up...) right now im having the issue with the bass drum not being on beat with the highaht. the snare i have no problem with.


maybe i should be in the drumline in college...


yeahhhh that would be cool.

scholarship? maybe?



Airdrumming. how you have helped me so.

thank you airdrumming... i will use you later. maybe soon. whatever

:]

Monday, September 8, 2008

VMAs

worst one ive seen so far...

it seemed a lot more low budget this time... at least like... the venue...


russell brand was so annoying! like... very... he was insulting a bunch of the guests... he was trying to be funny but it was just annoying. the commercials made him look a lot cooler but... not anymore... he went on like a political rant. it was just badddd.


and then!!! Brittany Spears won 3 freeking awards!!!! beating out Chris Brown and the Jonas Brothers for 2!!!


Chris brown has true talent!


America! what the heck! i mean good for her she recovered but still.....


ugh


and Chris Brown didnt even dance!


AND li'l wayne sang like 3 times... i sware... his pants must have been safety pinned because his butt was hangin out the whole time and he was grabbin his junk... is that supposed to be cool? paleeze... ugh... society... get a clue! stuuuuupiddddd


but!!! Jordin Sparks called russell brand on a bit he did about the jonas brother's purity rings and eventually in the show he apologized so that was rad...



OH! and Michael Phelps was on the show :] mmmm so good looking!


:]


OH!!! AND! Shia LeBouf was on there too :] that was good.


and Rihanna did good... but still... last year's was better.


oh and Katy Perry... is lame...



heres a snip-bit from a gossip website


"It's a little bit ungrateful, 'cause they could literally have sex with any woman they want. They're just not going to do it. That is like Superman just deciding not to fly and to go everywhere on a bus."

-- MTV Video Music Awards host Russell Brand, about the Jonas Brothers' chastity vows. (Jordin Sparks later defended the bros, saying "not everybody -- guy or girl -- wants to be a slut.")


oh and... Christina Aguilera lip-synced... it was so annoying.



heres another thing from a website.

-- "Singer Jordin Sparks defended the Jonas Brothers at the MTV Video Music Awards from the event's host who mocked their vow to not have sex until married.

VMA emcee Russell Brand made numerous jokes throughout the show Sunday night about the wildly popular fraternal trio's decision to wear purity rings to remind them of the promise they made to stay virgins until they wed.

Sparks leaped to the teen brothers' defense when she took the stage to present an award.

"I have just one thing to say about promise rings; it's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody -- guy or girl -- wants to be a slut," she said, prompting applause from the audience.

Brand later apologized from the stage as the Jonas Brothers, seated in the audience, looked on, not smiling.

"I've gotta say sorry because I said them things about promise rings; that was bad of me. I didn't mean to take it lightly, whatever. I love the Jonas Brothers and I think it's really good. I don't want to (tick) off teenage fans," Brand said. "Promise rings, I'm well up for it. Well done, everyone. It's just, you know, a bit of sex once in a while never hurt anybody."

Usmagazine.com and People.com both reported that Sparks also wears a purity or promise ring. "--

Hardcore Shows

i like hardcore shows.... they are so fun!!!


i like hardcore dancing much more than ghetto dancing.

cause after hardcore dancing i feel alive and refreshed and full of adrenaline.


i mean yes ghetto dancing is fun, but i like the thrill of hardcore dancing better.


i miss them :[ the scene of hardcore shows now is so jacked up. people "owning the pit" and hxe people (hate edge) ruining everything. people causing fights.


just stupid stuff.


before people were in unity at shows, you became friends with who you were standing next to. you went in the pit together. if you hit someone you stop dancing and make sure they are okay. if someone pushes someone then everyone gets on their case and makes sure it doesnt happen again.


but now people are selfish and stupid and just... annoying.


bleh. i miss the windmills,



the 2-step,



the floor punches, the breakdowns, the guitar fingers.


i miss it all :[

short girls

Okay so i was listening to Rx Bandits today



and well, i was thinking,

why the heck are there always the most annoying short girls in the world standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU in every good concert?!?!? i mean... come on!



at least when your up in the front.


seriously... like... the MuteMath show, short girls behind us, talkin crap, hitting us with their purses, climbing all over me, squeezing david's butt (haha)... and with the Rx Bandits show, annoying girls behind us, one of the girls shoved herself to the front where we already had no room and she didnt help at all, and she was telling people to smell her armpits... i seriously wanted to punch her in the face. probably the first actual like.. true glare ive ever done.


but yeah... to all you annoying short hispanic girls out there....


STOP STANDING BEHIND ME AT SHOWS! its really annoying.

friends

ive realised that my starting-to-be-selfless movement in myself, has started with my friends.


like... not even trying to, but in the past week, ive taken risks to help my friends and be a good friend. with the risk of making others mad. (not in a way that is like... im being a bad friend to the others to be a good friend to one.)

like.. for example say, gossip. if some friends gossipped about and lied to one friend, then i would i guess "rat out" the other people, not to hurt the other person because i know that theres a certain time when to tell or not tell about gossip. but this one is one where it just needs to be fixed, and confronted otherwhise all hell would break loose and the other person would have no clue why.


so i did something like that.

i "ratted out" friends to fix the situation. with the risk of making all of the other people mad.


not that i didnt care about them being mad at me, but i cared more about the right thing being done and getting fixed than having the most friends possible cause i let everything slide.


but all in all, so far, no one is mad at me, at least not that i can tell. and i think the situation has gotten better, (from what i CAN tell) and so we'll have to see what will happen.


and i think that the people who did it understand their wrong, and so if they do get mad at me then well... thats their fault because they were doing the wrong, i was doing the right so. eventually they will understand that if they do get mad.


i just hope it doesnt effect their trust. because i will keep their issues a secret but when its just something stupid and hurtful like this, then i will do what needs to be done, whether or not i will have the same amount of friends as before.



and also, ive been trying to pour into my friend's lives more. whether they care or not. ive realised that as long as i have God's joy and love, and i know im doing the right thing, my friends dont need to return any love i give them.



but of coarse, it would suck and be lonely if they didnt and be amazing and joyful if they did. but im saying, i dont NEED it to be okay.




i think there will be world peace if people just stopped being so selfish. i mean i know thats like a duh statement but seriously.


stop being selfish. then peace can start.

and love is intertwined with that.

Where The Love Lasts Forever

That song, my gosh!

yesterday was church and well, i introduced that song to basically all of encounter. the band didnt even know it. i was suprised because its such a great song! so this week's message was about God's heart for all people. and that song just... wow...


in the practice it wasnt too great, i was really worried that we werent going to stand up to how well hillsong plays it. but then we were playing it in the sound check and it was getting better and better and better,


and then came the actual service. and we played it, and i couldnt stop smiling. usually i look pretty serious when i sing unless something went wrong and i start smiling out of nervousness, or if i look at julia so she will MAKE me smile because i know that she likes it when i smile during worship.

but this time, i didnt even look at her until i was truly smiling, like really smiling. and it was because the song was so good and it was just like... striking so much emotion in me. it was making my entire being happy. it was like... soul-joy. i loved it. i love being in-touch with my soul. its like.. me... but like... outside/inside of me.

its weird.


but so by the end of the song i had to hold back from crying from Jesus. so Brian (the pastor) came up at the end of the song and prayed and i came off the stage thinking okay wow great song, and tried to push back the tears even farther, but then i saw 2 of my friends crying and that just brought them right back up. so i just sat down, listening somewhat to the prayer and just crying, and smiling, but also feeling broken at the same time, the only joy you can get from God. true joy.

so then the service ended (right after the prayer) and i tried to pull myself back together and then i see ANOTHER friend crying and we walk over to each other and she just said "that song...." and we both started crying and it was just.... really really good. we were ranting about it for like... a while...

Shea is my official crying buddy. haha... we cried together (a lot) at OGN, we cried yesterday together, it was just... wow.


so good.


im kind of afraid to play it again, even though people have been saying to, just cause i dont know if it will strike emotion in them again, but i guess thats where God comes in of coarse.


im so blessed to be the worship leader. that i get to experience that and see the emotion and love for God that me and the band get to be used for. i just love it.

i need to thank Bryce for asking me to be the worship leader.

it has blessed me more than i could even imagine.




wow.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

highschool

im done with it.


very much so actually,


i mean.... come on now,


thank the Lord i am graduating early! my gosh!

too bad that doesnt change much with who is around me,


i just dont like the unneeded immaturity. (unlike this photo, thats just funny)





not saying that im so mature, so high and mighty. no no no not at all. seriously i am immature.


but really.


theres just some things that are so stupid and un-needed.


bleh.


im done.


can i just skip this year? just like... graduate already?


can i move to LA already? please?


UC Fullerton here i come!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

dang it

okay let me try that picture once more.




pictures

so ive decided, im going to put a picture in every one of my posts...


hopefully i will actually do it,


but for the few readers i have, i want to spice things up. make it more interesting than just pitiful words about the problems in my life.


it probably depresses people more, the more they read my blog.


i apologize hah.



i was thinking of cyanide and happiness today so i thought, "hey, why not put a cyanide and happiness picture up there"

so i am.






that was todays by the way,


to give me more motivation to blog, i just may post the cyanide and happiness for that day.


now off to post secret.

Musical Theatre

I was talking to my aunt today while i was visiting my grandpa (we were celebrating his birthday)

and we got on the topic of school and i said i was graduating early, and so she asked me about after i graduate, and i said that im gonna do grossmont for a year to get as much general ed done as i can, and then transfer to a 4 year college.

i was saying that im interested in UC Fullerton but that i have to check it out too and that it has a good music program as far as i know, and sheasked if i was into musical theatre at all and well, i kind of had forgotten how much i am interested in it, and so we were talking about that and how she will show me some basic musical theatre dance steps sometime, and that she will help me find an audition piece and all that stuff, (shes in plays and musicals and stuff like that so she knows things) and so thats cool, cause i want to get into acting more, because with acting you can be whoever you need to be, and you can be like... involved in that character and be living in a whole new world for a moment. i dont know i just think thats pretty spectacular.


but yeah, ive figured im gonna major in Music Business because i need to know like the business side of a musical career, and learn about like accounting and copywriting n stuff like that, cause then if im not makin any money or progress in a musical career then i can still have the business side under my belt and work at like a record company or be a producer or something.

but im still pretty dang interested in musical theatre.


so im pretty excited to learn and see how i am with acting.

my only problem is, i dont know if i have a "musical theatre" type of voice... like... those pronouncing things like crazy and like... princessy sounding... i dont know... i guess ic ould try, but that would be my only issue, i would prefer to not change my singing voice. but whatever.

grandpa

So, its always an interesting experience visiting my grandpa at his care center.


everytime we walk through the door of his "section" (they cant leave) we have to look through the windows of the doors to make sure no one is waiting around the door to sneak out and escape.

so, thats interesting, and then its also interesting when random old ladies start talking to you about stuff you have no idea about, for instance, one lady asked me if i was wearing fishnet stockings, and i said no, and she said that i should. and i was like ummm okay.. thank you for that.. and then slowly walked away.


i guess the good part about it is that the nurses are really nice and fun (ny) and its fun to talk to my grandpa cause he makes no sense sometimes...


oh and, of coarse i cant forget... theres usually at least 1 or 2 cute nurse guys, which the fact that they are there helping makes them even more attractive,


oh and of coarse, the occasional flirt with the cute nurse guys is fun too.


i asked about volunteering sometime and they said to come in on a weekday but they seemed really excited about someone helping out so... hopefully i can do that.


i just hope its not some lame job where i dont even interact with them at all...

but today i saw the cutest nurse so far, so ill have to remember to look good when i visit on saturday afternoons.


even though all the nurses wear scrubs i could tell he had some style, cause he wore one of those like... army style hat things like conductors cap or whatever you call'm and he had small plugs, and they worked for him. so... yeah.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pacman

I played pacman on AJ's blog,


and well.



i officially suck.



at least at 11:47 at night.


thats suprisingly depressing.

people

I wish people would understand how much i care about people,

how much i love people, care about how they feel, care about their character, just.... care... in general.


i mean... i cry for other people's pain.


i empathize so much its rediculous.


i dont want people to know so they can praise me or whatever your mind could do to twist it so that its cause i want attention.

no..


its so that people understand... that they are truly, truly cared for.



its seriously, impossible for me to hate someone.


i cried when i heard that Sadam got the death penalty. because i didnt think he should have died. even though he did TERRIBLE things... still... i know exactly where he went when he died. and that just saddens me so much.


i think everyone deserves to die, so then, no one deserves to die.


i am severrrrrrrrrrrrely against the death penalty.

i saw a guy on the news that was waiting for a jury to say whether or not he should have the death penalty, and well... i couldnt stand seeing his face... i couldnt stand knowing it as a reality that he is going to die, without a second chance. not a second chance as in being released, no no no i dont think they should be released.


someday, i want to visit a high security prison... or visit people who are going to get the death penalty, and just... talk to them. not face to face, but like... face to thick thick glass to face. hah... i just want them to know, that even though the rest of the world hates them, and wants them to die, there is at least one person, who cares.




yeah.


i care.

Chase Care Center

Tomorrow is my grandpa's birthday,


me and my mom and possibly my sister, are going to visit him at the care center he's at to wish him a happy birthday.


i now officially like visiting my grandpa.


ive decided that i want to volunteer at that care center and talk with all the other demented oldies (no im not calling them stupid, they all have some sort of demensia)


i keep forgetting what my grandpa has, its like... leonardo's disease..


no... scratch that, i just asked my mom... its Lewy Bodies Disease.

it has the symptoms of Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and Dimensia.


so my grandpa doesnt remember, shakes, and see's hallucinations and thinks certain things are certain ways.


when i visitied him he asked me if i was an indian, and thought my dad was dead,

kept showing us his watch and telling us different things about it (but like... starting over...) like "oh look at my watch, it shows the time and the date, see the 9, yeah, that way i know what time it is and what day it is..........

oh look at my watch, it shows the time, and its shiny so i see myself in it, oh looky here, see the 9, thats for the month...." etc.


he thought his dad was there, and that his wife was in a care center down the street, that he worked in a place selling alcohol, that hes going to go hunting for a new pair of shorts (they cant leave, they have outdoor places to go to but not outside of the facility)


one time when my mom was visiting him, he asked if she saw the ponies outside (its a big blank parking lot outside), and that theres a gorilla on the loose (no gorilla), and that theres a piano bar (nope), and that this one guy, in the piano bar, is really rich (nope),


but i like visiting him... its an interesting, funny, cute, yet pitiful and depressing experience.


but i love looking past the white face and dark circles around his eyes, and seeing who he was before.



it still saddens me deeply when i think about it, but im glad cause he's happy, and he has probably the most interesting life now.... because one day he could be at work, the next he could be at the zoo, the next there could be a piano bar, the next there could be danger and excitement.... its interesting.



so yeah,


ive decided i want to volunteer there and just hang out with the people there... and like... show them love and friendship...


i dont know how many of them have visitors, family, friends, etc. so i want to be their friend. i want to show them love, i want to make them as happy as possible.


some people may think "why work with old people? why not work with children... the old people dont have much longer" and well... i think... exactly.... they dont have much longer... so i want to make as much of their life as happy as possible....


like an average...


if there was an average of good and bad in their life, and there was an average of bad.


then the more good i put into it the more the average of their life turns good.


if that makes sense.


it does in my head.


but yeah. ive realised i want to start being a good person.... not just a good person like... happy and loving and giving my friends things, having morals, but like... doing the goody goody stuff.... like... helping fundraisers, giving money to orginizations, volunteering places, hanging out with dying people, i may even do the big brother big sister thing,


but for all you Encounter people out there, dont worry, i will do my part in encounter first. i will help pay for the kids we sponsor, recycle, etc.



but i want to do more too.



i want to start pouring my life out, and impacting people, making my life worth something other than just for myself. like school? for myself, food? for myself, reading? photography? watching tv? hanging out? for myself...

i want to start being more selfless in everything i do.


if i dont have one already, then im going to MAKE myself have a servants heart

Grizzly Mirrored Beer Sign Rare!! 21" x 16" Like new

hahaha you may be wondering what the title is about,


well i was originally gonna title it as Graduate!

but when i typed G the little like.. pull down bar guessed what i was going to type and put that... so i thought i would keep it.. hah. im probably the only person who thinks its funny, but anyway, back to the original post.



so today, me and my mom figured, if i do a year and a half's worth of math, and if my school lets me count self defense as PE then i can GRADUATE EARLY!!!!!!



like...


this summer early!

meaning June of 2009!!!!


alskdfjsldkflsdjkfl im sooooooo stoked! i dont even have to take a GED or anything!

i can just....

graduate.

no skipping required things, nothing!


ahhhh im so excited!

and my mom also finally knows that i want to go out of SD for college.


like... up near LA,


David mentioned UC Fullerton, which he says has a good music program, which well... interests me,


but ill have to check it out.



but jee willikers (haha i really wanted to use that)


i may make it! i may graduate early.





ah. man... i need a job!

hey there good lookin.

ill just tell ya.


Michael Phelps,


Dane Cook,

Matt Embree,

Nick Jonas,

Joe Jonas,

Justin Nozuka,

and other people i cant think of at the moment
but for now,
thats who

but i just thought i'd share this with you.
so that if ever they are on TV or someone says their name and i just say "attttrraaaaaactive" then you know why.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Disney Channel

I want to be on it,

i want to be in a musical,

i want to be a musician

i want to be in hollywood,


i want to make movies,

tv shows,

all that good stuff.


and i think Disney could help me!


i wouldnt mind being a less annoying Miley Cyrus...


just more...

rockin.


not all that sequin pop star stuff with the back up dancers and band members whos names you dont even know,


i want to be a rockstar.


or as the pussycat dolls put it

i wanna be famous i wanna be a star i wanna be in movies,


but not when i grow up,


i need to get it goin right now, cause in hollywood years, im runnin out of time,


sooner or later ill be 25 and be an old geezer in celebrity years.


but yeah.


ill get there,


one day.


maybe live up there, go to college up there, become known, etc.



whatever


'night all.


oh... p.s.

Matt Embree is sexy. (lead singer for Rx Bandits)

ASL 1

so i love my Sign Language class,
even though i know a grand total of 0 people in the class,
its still really fun and im learning fast!
its really easy and i love my teacher, shes so funny.


i deffffinetly dont notice the silence.

and me and my friend michael (who knows ASL also,) were talking all night tonight at denny's in sign language... like.. full on... meaning we didnt use our voices, not even to order. and on the walk home we realised we laugh like deaf people when were in that Sign Language state.


i really enjoy the humor during sign language.


a lot of it is making fun or showing the person your talking to how you perceived their sign or finger spelling. like michael thought i said 9 - hen when i said when.

and also when you actually do make a mistake.

like michael said party people language in stead of sign language so that was funny. hah.

i just like the humor cause you still have inside jokes, but they are even funnier when they are COMPLETELY inside... and also even funnier when your talking and someone makes a mistake and you bust up laughing and the people your with have no idea whats going on. which makes it even funnier.


its funny to talk about sex in sign language or at least say the word sex in the middle of a sentence because thats like... one of the few signs my friends actually know. so like they are watching me sign to michael and then see me sign "sex" and they like freak out. its funny.


but yeah i love my class, its easy, and i hope that i actually muster up the courage to become friends with some people in the class.


like a certain guy in the class who is particularly good looking.

now now i know i like a guy a lot, but that doesnt mean my eyes are shut off and my judgement is gone. i can tell when someone is good looking.


i wouldnt mind being friends with this guy.


so far we havent interacted with each other once in 3 classes except for like... eye contact and smiles and like... looking at each other from across the room. (which i dont mind ;])

anyway,


i like my class.

so there.


time to go downstairs and watch Brian Regan and eat some Chewy Sprees :]

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Fix You

So, im gonna just post the lyrics, and then explain.

"When you try your best but you dont succeed,
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you cant sleep,
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streamin down your face,
When you lose something you cant replace,
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
and i will try to fix you

High up above or down below,
When your too in love to let it go,
But if you never try, you'll never know,
just what you want.

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones,
and i will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and i---

Tears stream down your face
I promise you i will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and i (or ah?)

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones,
and i will try to fix you."


okay, so today i was home alone and i decided i would take advantage of that opportunity and play the piano (loudly i might add). and was trying to remember all the songs i used to play all the time when i was home alone. like sunburn by muse, and a few i would make up, and a Camel song, and a few classical songs. but i preferred ones that i could sing (belt out) to. so i started remembering Fix You. so i was playing it and realised how much it applied to me.... like... soooo much.

and tonight i was talking to my brother about the guy that i severely like... (that im pretty convinced im in love with,) and that song came on in the car (we were doing a late night ice cream run, im still eating the ice cream) and we were listening to it, and so im gonna just explain how it applies to me.

When you try your best but you dont succeed - im trying very hard not to like him. im trying very hard to act like im not hurting from this.

When you get what you want but not what you need - im getting things i want, im living a good life, but this is something that i just need to either stop liking him or something to move forward. i cant keep being in this idle state.

When you feel so tired but you cant sleep - ive been so freeking tired all day today, but i cant sleep cause my mind is goin crazy.

Stuck in reverse - i keep looking back to how i was before, and thinking that maybe if i had taken advantage of something then, i wouldnt be in this state now.

And the tears come streamin down your face - yup, ive cried. tonight was the first time i actually cried solely for this reason. usually my mind would come up with another reason why im crying so that i feel like its not effecting me so much.

When you lose something you cant replace - that one's just for jeff. (rip)

When you love someone but it goes to waste, Could it be worse? - that one kind of speaks for itself. it sucks. i hate it.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and i will try to fix you. - tonight i was walking home from denny's with my friend and we were talking in sign language most of the time and we needed the light to talk and it was what would get us home. it was pretty dark.

High up above or down below, when your too in love to let it go - i cant get over him.

But if you never try youll never know just what you want - that ones just for my hope... i wish i could do something. but i cant.

and at the "Tears stream down your face" intense part, i started crying in the car. completely for the guy. ugh... i cant even believe im getting so hung up over someone.


sorry for my theme of pitiful blog posts