Wednesday, September 24, 2008

selfless

this selfless thing is getting harder and harder, well... not so much harder, but getting more and more annoying!


like


VERY VERY annoying!


most of the things that are annoying is not speaking up for myself or what i want, to benefit the other person, so they get what they want.



like...


watching a scary movie.


i HATE scary movies.


i agreed to watch a scary movie. (putting in a few hesitations and ehhh's hoping someone would catch onto my discomfort)


i did not watch one bit of it.


i kept my phone open, acting like im texting, having my leg up so i cant see the screen incase im tempted to look when those climactic violins start going.


i did that for about 20 minutes.


i texted my brother, hoping he would come and see its scary and ask if im okay with it and hopefully say something for me.

i texted my mom, asking her to come pick me up,


i even denied caring about watching it when their mom said "watch something everyone wants to watch"


all because i didnt want to be an inconvenience to everyone else.


its just i dont think they quite understand the impact scary movies have on me.


it doesnt matter if its "not scary" to them.


i guess a bunny was talking about the world ending and seriously...


thats SO SCARY to me. because thats some of the things im afraid of seeing or hearing.


like...


movies where everyone dies and its all gory, that doesnt matter.


but faces, things i can actually picture, new avenues for my mind to wander, just terrible!


people dont understand how many dreams i would have, how many sleepless nights i would have, how many times i would see the faces or objects or creatures.



let alone the fact that everyone else was on the couch together, and i was alone sitting on a chair at the end of the room.


of coarse it made me wish i had a boyfriend, to stick up for me, to comfort me when im scared, to warn me when something too scary might happen, to NOT make fun of me when its "not scary" to everyone else.


but whatever.

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