Wednesday, September 24, 2008


okay... i know that people see me sing multiple songs every sunday. its nothing new.

but this week, when i sang in main service, i really wished that my friends would come and listen to me sing.

and well...

michael did on his own... and thats it.

well okay noah and gabe half did. they were already at church cause they missed hope for the homeless, and i didnt want to sit in service alone so i begged them to come to service with me on friday.

but honestly. even though im always on stage on sundays,

when im singing solo without a guitar, a hard song, in MAIN...

im terrrriiiffiiieeddd!!! i feel so judged on that stage for some reason. like everything has to be PERFECT or people will think im a total failure and a terrible singer.

seriously, im like shaking before every service. i hide it well when im on stage but seriously... im so mechanical on stage cause im so focused on getting it right and making it good.

so i really really really wanted my friends to be there to support me, i mean some friends just were there and got to hear me but thats not the point. i dont care if my friends went there to hear me sing and plugged their ears, i just want their presence FOR ME. i was so touched and appreciative when michael told me he went to hear me sing.

i just was hoping for a little group of maybe like 3? standing in the back waiting for me to finish and walk with me back over to encounter.

and of coarse when that didnt happen i got in like a downward spiral of self-pity, questioning my friendships, satan just being stupid with my mind lying complete out-there lies.

but still.

it did get me down.

not to mention i wasnt too happy to sing in the first place. especially with missing matt embree.

but all in all, hearing the feedback and the ways i touched people through the song, was seriously... AMAZING!!!

im not letting it go to my head, dont worry, its all God... seriously... i was praying through the song "please dont let my voice crack, please help me to hit this note, please help me start right, please let the band and i be in sync" and like practicing the song at home was terrible like, voice mess ups all over the place so its completely God working it out that it even remotely sounded good.

but tonight a new small group leader with Sarah (in my small group) said that her friend turned to her and said "thats my favorite singer"

and seriously, like... typing that up right now makes me want to cry because thats so touching and seriously the nicest thing ever!

i kind of felt weird though because like... i was smiling, glowing actually, from that comment, and i was reaaaaalllly hoping that the girls in the group werent thinking that its all going to my head. because its not! im not letting it!

those thoughts always go through my head anytime i get a compliment when im around my friends is "ahhhh, dont say that here! i dont want my friends thinking its going to my head"

but honestly, im suprised at the impact of the song. jason even said good things and that means a lot coming from him.

a lady on sunday came up to me and asked "were you the girl that sang that song today?" and i was like "yeah" and she said "i was looking for you everywhere! thank you so much! i love that song! whats it called?" and she gave me a hug. that was so touching.

i think God was probably doing this to help me. kind of saying "i know you didnt want to do this, and feel weird about singing and made sacrifices, so heres a thousand compliments to make you feel touched, to remember the next time your asked to sing, because i want you to keep doing this."

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