Friday, October 31, 2008

dreams

Aha! i knew there would be a second post... and not even one minute passed by since i ended my last post....


well...


ive been having these dreams... weird ones... and usually somehow the jonas brothers (sometimes only joe) pops up in them, and i mean, he is attractive and if i knew him and liked his personality, then i DEFINETLY would not mind dating him (if i were aloud), but... my having dreams about him is just weirding me out,


now just to clarify, they arent inappropriate dreams. not one of them. (and im not lying)


but me and him are usually dating in my dreams, or about to, or something of the sort.


but really... i mean... i dont even know him! i mean, its not like i think about him every day or something, yet he pops up in my dreams!


but also, ive been having some weiiiiird dreams, with or without joe jonas...

they werent always this weird... but just the past few weeks they've just been way out there...


before i wouldnt really have dreams... i mean i would have like little short ones and then not remember them, but now im having these elaborate lonnnng dreams...



like one of them i was at this house, of a family that i always thought were weird, and they had like... a glass room and thats where i met their son, and there was like a weird map with moving ships on it, and a big rat raccoon thing climbed up this little palm tree and stopped and looked at me and smiled, and then kept going, and i told the family not to shoot it and they laughed at me, then i went into this purple living room and hung out with the son, and then we went to this greenish blue room where we were trying to find a place for me to stay the night (weird) and then the dad walks in all shocked and says that everyone is gone, and so we look out the window and see that the house (and the driveway, and the backyard, basically all of their property) disconnected from the earth and now were floating in space...

and i guess they kept a bunch of cans in this warehouse? and like... bags of water saved up, and all this food and supplies stored up because they said this is another holocaust (i dont think i spelled that right) and so it was weird...


there was more to it but i dont really remember, but when i woke up i had the urge to right it down, but in poem form? like... everything rhyming? it was weiiiiird... i think my dreams are effecting me in real life now.

halloween?

i'm weird, i go on these random looonnng 3-times-a-day blogging sprees and then dont blog for like.. 2 weeks...


its weird...


but, here is a blog.... im sure there will be more to come, and then stop, and then start again.


but.


anyway.


today is holloween.


yay :]


i didnt know what i was going to be until yesterday hah.


so im a lion today :]


i thought it fitted because my friends say i look like, or am, a lion. so well.. hey, why not actually be one.


im not doing the whole suit shabang.

just like... crazy hair, tan clothes, cat ears, and cat make-up.


pretty simple, and it gets the job done.


usually i would go all out, but this year i didnt have the time or the money,


if i get a job, then possibly a SUPER RAD costume next year.


maybe i can do the harley quinn idea i wanted to do this year? (super villian, Joker's assistant)


but anyway,


tonight, im chillin with a few people, and well... im a little nervous because in that group of few people, are a few people who dont get along with each other, dont like each other, they just arent a good match together, and well... i, and they, want tonight to be happy and fun... but until they just suck it up and be nice and respectful, thats not gonna happen. and i know that im gonna put it on myself the responsability of making it fun, and making them get along and not offend each other.



oh joy.


i dont like it when people dont like each other. it makes me sad and angry and blah.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

brother

just an update,


tonight we went to frozen yogurt and talked...


and well,


let me just tell you,


definetly not how i expected it to be.


and not in a good way.


things still suck, things didnt really change,


i told him that i miss him and we never hang out and his reply was "when did we hang out?"


so basically disregarding the fact that im hurt,


so i finally said "ive been mad and sad towards you this past week, and purposefully difficult and argumentive"


and well... he didnt really respond...


:[


im bummed...


and then we talked about the typical issue,


and then said some things that really concerned me and so i started crying in the car...


and well



the talk pretty much bombed, but i do feel relieved that its out there, it just didnt go as planned at all.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

oh and....

i said in the previous post that when my brother got back from Africa that "everything became right again".


i didnt mean that it didnt suck, and i wasnt hurting, i meant that i wasnt being consumed by it every second, and weakened by it.

i mean, you dont just get over those types of things, it still sucks and sometimes i go to a quiet place to be alone and just cry and mourn. but thats just in choice times now.


before i had no control over it. i would just be bursting into tears in random conversation, so....


i just needed to clarify that.

:[

Okay, so i just need to vent right now...


i mean, ive been venting to my mom, but i dont know... i just need to vent still...


i miss my brother...


and i mean... REALLY miss him...


for some reason i havent talked to him about it at all, but i just miss him...


cause we used to be best friends, and always hang out, and he would be like introducing me to his friends and take me along everywhere (i wouldnt even ask, he would just want to take me)


and then he started hanging out with new people, and now we never talk, never hang out, nothing.


we've "lost touch".

i mean, i feel like he's strictly my brother now... not my best friend, and it makes me sad.


for the past few weeks its been consuming my brain, and now i just gotta let it out!


every single time he hangs out with his friends or goes somewhere, it bugs me.

ive noticed ive kind of become hostile towards him. a lot of our conversations are arguments lately... and when we do talk about things that arent of arguments, its usually about the same things. (and ive noticed that a lot of the arguments are started by me not being nice)


and really what is bugging me the most is he's doing things that he was supposed to do with ME, with this other friends...


like... i KNOW things have changed, because if things were like before, he would have invited me to those things, he would have thought of me, and remembered "oh yeah, summer has been wanting to do that with me, i should bring her along."


but no.


he doesnt.



i mean seriously, i need my brother!


when he was gone in africa those were the 2 worst weeks of my life... i could not get out of a deeeeeeeeeeep hole (also because 2 people decided to die right before he left, and had their funerals while he was gone, right when i needed him the most, and my friends were busy or gone in africa too, so i had pretty much no one.) but right when he got back and i saw his face, everything was right again... i tried everything to be okay while he was gone, and nothing worked.


and now he's home, and im losing him again.



i have no idea how to talk to him about it, because i dont want him to have to make an intentional decision just for my sake... (ive noticed thats the biiiiiiggggest reason why i dont tell people they are hurting me, because i dont want them to make an intentional decision just for me.)... i guess thats also a problem with my view of my self-worth, but thats a different issue.



:[ like today, i snapped at him (he doesnt even know that it was me snapping at him) and when he didnt even acknowledge or see what i was REALLY saying, then i got angry and hurt, and i actually started crying (we were texting, so he didnt know)



i felt like such a typical girl.

not just spitting out what she's REALLY meaning, and making it where the guy has to see it on his own, and then getting mad when the guy doesnt see the secret words...


i mean usually i dont do that cause i get that guys dont see it, but this time i did and i dont know.... i just.... did.


im just sad that i lost my best friend, and im getting mad at myself for pushing him away now that im hurt.


:[



i guess the reason why i wont say anything to him about it, is because im letting him have his own life, i mean he's in college, he has his own friends, i get that....



but does that really mean i have to lose him?

Monday, October 20, 2008

sunday

The service was really good!!! i mean REALLY good... it got me pumped! the worship was awesome! my being sick didnt effect me like it did on thursday (ugh my voice was terrible on thursday! all sick sounding hah) but i really got into it and it was the kind of vacation from singing that i like...


i hate not playing on sundays... so this sunday was kind of like... a break.. but not... the kind that im happy with... usually when i get a "break" its where i dont play at all, but that just makes me sad, and makes me want to play again... so this time, not singing, not leading fully, was nice... cause i still got to play, still got to experience it on stage (its different than in the crowd), and it was just really good...

i got the chance to look around the stage kind of while i was playing and i was really happy to see some other band members worshiping as well, it totally got me more into it,

but also the message was sooooo good!!! i had high expectations for the morning and this whole series, and i really was not let down at all!


i was suprised at how much it got to me, it was about how "you're invited" and well, i guess im suprised because ive already been invited, ya know... but for some reason it was still great... to me it seems like that type of a message would only get to people who havent been invited yet, but i was completely wrong.


it got me fired up for God, and made me want to invite more people, and the points were really good, it was just an all-around good service, good message, just... really good.


:]

and i also like the new service, it definetly is a different feel. its less people, but not like... dead like how it could have been, it was kind of more.... intimate. i feel like everyone in 1st service was a lot more focused and committed.

it was nice.

i feel like the 1st service is going to fill up with a similar type of people... i cant explain what type of person, but i feel that the 1st service has a lot of potential to be REALLY good, really spiritual, really just like... soaked up by the students. and i think that people are going to naturally try to get a lot out of that service.


im excited to see where it goes.

Direction

I've noticed that ive been needing more direction from God lately.

and its been more difficult for me to make decisions, and actually move forward with my life.

i mean, life goes on without my decisions, but i feel as though im not doing anything with my life, not being productive, not moving forward. just kind of... still... like with God im moving forward slowly, but now the rest of my life needs to start moving.

i feel like God has been wanting me to paint more lately... i dont know why, but he does. and just kind of like... exercise my artistic abilities. like photography too. but right now more with the painting...

i feel like i should move forward with my future though, working on where i want to be when im older, like career, location, education, all that stuff.


i still feel as though my time in San Diego is coming to a close, but that might be wishful thinking. i feel like if i leave san diego that i will NEED to move forward to survive, and i will meet people that i need to meet in order to have the career that i want.


also im kind of iffy on the whole C28 thing, because... well.. i dont really know why actually... but i just am. but then again, thats kind of coming with the not being able to decide anything... thing.


i just need some clarity... for sure.


i think thats my biggest prayer right now... clarity and direction. but most of all clarity. because my mind is just... weird right now.

all better (for the most part)

yay no more sickness!!!


that actually went away fast!


i mean, sometimes im sick for 2 weeks... cause it lingers but this time it went away in just a week.


i was feeling fine after friday... just like... the last little sniffles here and there for the rest of the weekend...


so yay :]


thank you friends, for your prayers. :]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

the flu

definetly sucks!!

im all sniffly and stuffy at the same time (which i hate!) my whole right side just randomly wants to ache all at the same time. which doesnt help anything since my right shoulder and right rib(?) hurt (like i got hit by a bus) before i got sick. and massssiiiive headaches, and weird random jaw-aches. and im all weak and shaky and sneezy and my eyes are all watery, i have no apetite, and suprisingly i DONT have a fever?!?


seriously...

ive been acting like im dying on the couch for the past 3 days, which is just pathetic (even though just before getting sick i read some statistic about how many people in america die from the flu each year... which scared me)


but whats really weird is i lost 7 pounds in 3 days!!! which well, is scary, and suprising...


because i havent gained or lost pounds in a whiiiile. so like.. that made me feel like i was dying even more!


oh and, picture day is tomorrow, i have to take it for my school ID and well... i really dont feel like getting done up... or at least... anti done down. (right now im like... lower than my average day... my hair terrible, pale skin + red nose, and pjs, and walking around the house with a kleenex box and my cell phone, really not a pretty picture) usually on an average day of not going out of the house im wearing actual clothes, my hair usually is decent, and just no make-up on.


also, i missed my ASL class which is a BIG DEAL because i can only miss i think 3 days and if im late 3 times that equals 1 absence. today we were supposed to see our grade-point and where were exelling and where we're not.


and i missed THAT! so thats weird.


i dont know if im going to small groups tomorrow, but i guess it depends on how im feeling.


but...


yesterday was a good day to be sick though, (for me) because i never have anything on mondays, and also i have 3 shows on in a row that i like. :] so i can just veg on the couch and watch tv, being pitiful and sniffly and wrapped up in a warm blanket whining about being achy.

oh but my mom's Avon and Mark. stuff came in today so i have new make-up :] yay

but yeah.


the flu sucks.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Kneeling/Back of outlines

So for a week now (it doesnt feel like it)

ever since Tuesday night, ive been going to bed and bowing/kneeling on the floor and praying, then reading the bible (usually using the back of past encounter outlines) and then getting in bed, and praying some more. then going to sleep.


well this is how it started,

i get in bed, i cant sleep, i hear a whisper,


it scares me,


i rebuke and pray that God calms my imagination,


then i hear it again. it scares me again, but this time i feel (on the inside) a tug to get out of bed. so i did and just immediately went on my knees and bowed down, and just like... humbled myself. and tried to clear all my thoughts, and just kind of... pray, listen, and meditate.


so i prayed, and then i was getting tired, my knees were hurting (i have bad knees), the blood was rushing to my head, so i asked God if i could go to bed or if he had more, so then i felt like i should read the bible.

so i did, and read and tried to see past the words if that makes sense,

and then prayed some more on what i learned what i heard etc.

so then i thought it was a one time deal.


but then the next night i heard a whisper again... so i rebuked and prayed, and then i remembered the night before.

so i got out of bed, kneeled down and prayed and did the whole shabang again. (different bible thing)


and then the third night i just went straight to my knees, not waiting for a whisper or anything. so then i told God "im ready" and did it again,

and thought of the story of the 2 guys (i forgot their names) and one thought that the other was calling him so he got out of bed and went in and asked what was up, then the other said that he didnt say anything, and that happend a few more times, and then the other guy said the next time he hears it say "speak Lord, your servant is listening" and so the guy goes back to bed, hears it again, then says that, and gets a command...


thats my version, not as great as the message, but i think you get the picture.


so now ive been doing that every night and its been a week so far, and ive been using the backs of old outlines i still have (i dont throw them away) and using that instead of just randomly opening the bible and seeing what God wanted, which is what i did the first 2 nights.


so it was kind of like God saying "if your not going to talk with me and listen to me, im going to do something about it"

so then he whispered.


it has seriously like... boosted my faith. before i was kind of like... learning, but love-wise (towards God) and faith-wise i was kind of staying around the same.

but now its changing and moving and getting better and its nice.


i told my brother and he said its cause im not in the way of me anymore.


and really, i dont want to be in the way of me anymore.

mental breakdowns are weird.




so last night i definetly had one. at least apathetically.


so i go in my room to just talk to God (and myself) and i just was laying down on my bed crying (not like... sobbing, which one only occur every like... 4 minutes) not caring about anything anymore. like... probably the most INTENSE not caring ive ever had.


i wanted to just lock myself in my room and lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for the rest of eternity. getting my meals under the door.


but i didnt care so much, i didnt care enough to even get up, and walk over to my door (oh say 4 feet away) and lock it.


and, also if i locked it, and didnt come out, well... my door is easily unlockable from the outside so after it was unlocked, i would have some explaining to do.


and i just really didnt care enough to have to explain to anyone.


i didnt want anything anymore. because everything costs money.


i wouldnt be able to go to a park and swing on the swings if i was homeless... that would be unacceptable. and just scary. i would be kicked out.

free thing? gone.


and being a musician.

maintaining your instruments takes money. (strings, damages, electrical things)

and to actually BE a musician, takes money. you have to have money to make money...
gas, shower, clothes, the instruments themselves,


everything you do takes money.

using the computer=electricity=bill=money

sitting at home doing nothing=morgage=bill=money

going for a drive=gas=money

living=food=money
living pt.2 =water=money

looking decent = clothes=shoes=shower=make-up=money money money money


i just didnt care anymore


if i had to stay in my house forever until someone had to break in and take me out themselves, to put me in jail, then.... whatever. at least in jail i dont have to pay MONEY to live.


i mean why the HELL is it like that?!?!?!?!!


you can stay in jail forever, and they FEED you. give you clothes, let you take a shower.


yet there are people who have just had mental breakdowns, tragedies, addictions, and didnt even break the law, just didnt have MONEY and so they have to STARVE?!?!?


so i just didnt care anymore.


i cant do anything about not having money. either way,

when i get money, to LIVE

it goes away. so i can LIVE


i mean whats the use?


then i went on the computer and listened to music, and went on youtube and watched funny videos.


i cared a little bit more then.

and well now its the next day. i had to go to school.

so i did

and i signed and talked and learned.


i cared a little bit more then.

then i started to remember my friends, my peers, God, how happy they make me FOR FREE.


and now i care.


i feel like it could happen again. just going in my room, and not caring.


but God's not letting that happen. nope. im soooooo glad hes persistant.

Monday, October 6, 2008

money/family issues

so today started out happy, yay i got my licence,


but now its just...


depressing.



i really dont like it when my parents talk about money issues in front of me, but i had to be there this time because it started out being about me driving the car alone.
(which i cant do until i have my own car,)



and they started talking about how were close to being in debt because were not making enough, and were slowly getting closer and closer and theres nothing we can do about it.



our cars are dying, (pretty much all of them except for my brother's which well.. already has things wrong with it, but isnt critical yet.)

so pretty soon were gonna be stuck with that situation,


im just really scared. like... REALLY scared about whats gonna happen. i mean weve gone up and down with money, but this time its the worst, and with the economy going down, it just sucks.



if we go into a depression (which it seems like we are) then my family will get the short end of the stick and then what?


:'(


please, just pray. im sure some of you are going through this as well, but still... its hard to be happy with this on my mind.



i have no idea whats going to happen... i feel like the cars are going to die, im going to be stuck at home, probably having to hitch rides everywhere, (not like i dont do it enough as it is) i have no idea how this is going to work out, or get better,



and i hate to think that my parents have to deal with it! have to try and solve it! and have this on their shoulders to support me and each other. how crazy that must be!


and my dad! oh man... its getting to be that time of year again where hes in his depression/manic rut (around this time every year he gets extra bi-polar) so that PLUS sucky things actually happening!!!


i dont know how were going to deal with it!



im seriously terrified. like ive been having more anxiety, more breathing issues, more aches and pains.
its taking a major toll.



im scared :'(

I HAVE MY LIIICCEEEENNNNCCCEEE!!!

yay!!! im so happy!


seriously... like.. waiting is worth it because it feels so good! i mean i was thinking "hurry up already!" but now im good!

its worth the wait! i would be SO CRUSHED if i failed!


but i only got 3 wrong!


:]



and they were little things too!



oh and, i parked by myself without like my mom standing outside the car telling me to keep going, and i did the BEST PARKING JOB IVE EVER DONE!


it was prime! seriously!


:]


im really happy!


and then later on today i get to drive myself to the grocery store and buy things, and then drive to parkway mall to apply for a job! :]


im exciiiittedddd! i like driving by myself :]

i thought it would feel empty, but it feels so free and full!



(sorry seth, but really waiting makes actually having it feel even better!)



now i can listen to all the ghetto music that i want and my mom wont tell me to turn that gangster music off hehe :]


AND! no more talk radio!!!!! :] well except when i want it, but not without my consent! yayyy

Saturday, October 4, 2008

licence

i take my driving test on monday!!!


im so nervous!


ahhh


i really hope i dont have a mean person.



im so excited though... because if i pass then well... i can actually GO PLACES!


wow


until monday im the only person in my family without a licence, and afterwards well...


everyone will have their licences.


oh jeez!


being the youngest is so weird.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Humidity!!!!

so my hair gets effected by humidity to the extreme.


so my straightened hair got well....


unstraightened ish like... really wavy... because of the humidity at the waterfront at hope for the homeless...


lame


i need to figure out what to do with my hair when its curly


ill have to take a shower tomorrow (not tonight because im tired and want to go to bed asap) oh and im at michaels house right now and were partying for a long time hah


so yeah


lame humidity is stupid


yay for being able to make my hair be good when i get back home hah


im excited for when i take a shower though to see how it looks curly

who knows!?! maybe it is great?!?


i dont know


im excited though!



oh and warning


for those of you who read this


dont critique my hair


all it will do is make me self cauntious about it.

post-haircut post.

ummm well i love it?!? i found out like five minutes ago that if my bangs were just a teensy bit shorter i could make them be straight across (and apparantly i can work straight bangs?) but anyway


i like it a lot!


i have NO idea how it will be when its curly, probably insanely big, and if it is then well



at least i LOVE it straightened haha.


but yeah today i was playing with my bangs and like put them over to their proper side, and then put them in the middle (kind of a bit in my eyes but like... in a way that ive seen in like chic magazines) and then putting them to the opposite side,


it was fun hah


and i finally have LAYERS again!


before they were all grown out and blegh


but now they are up there! :]


yay


i do kind of wish now that ive put the bangs in the middle, that i got them cut that way,


but whatever


at least i know what to do next time i get my hair cut.



but seriously.


i have SO MUCH HAIR! like

a lot


like when Amelia was cutting it off if i looked at the ground i would have thought she cut it to like... my ears!


but its still pretty dang long!


and when we were sweeping the floors it took about 2 1/2 dust-pan's worth!!!! maybe even 3!


thats a lot!


haha i just realised this haircut makes me feel more girly...


i feel like i wanna put a daisy in my hair hah.


yay for haircuts!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

ASL has changed me.

ive started thinking in sign language,

i dont notice noises much anymore (sounds and silences) when im talking in sign language... like i guess some girl screamed HELP ME at starbucks last night and i didnt hear it cause i was talking to someone.

but also... most of all, from my class it has given me so much more compassion for deaf people!!!


now i say compassion, not pity...

they hate pity!


but... i have a Deaf Culture book for homework, and reading it its so interesting! its really boring, but interesting at the same time hah.

but im learning a ton! and now im interested anytime someone mentions sign language or deaf people or anything of the sort.


and my heart for them keeps getting bigger and bigger!

like today, my teacher said something that was kind of a smack in the face for all of us... well so she had a headache... so she didnt want to put up with much, but also we the students were just being terrible today! and by terrible i mean talking (theres no voices aloud in the class... your supposed to sign everything... no talking) and people were saying things the whole time!!!

i felt so bad because my teacher is deaf, and she doesnt talk.

so we were about ready to play a game and she sat on the table with a hurt/concerned look and said "you guys are terrible today! do you want to play the game or not?!?"

so that was already attention grabbing because shes usually so happy and laughy and lets everything slide and like... calls you out but kind of like... laughs and makes fun (in a nice way). but then she said something that just punched me in the face...


"i want to laugh with you, but i cant when you talk, because i dont understand"


so that just like... rushed in a ton of things... kind of like... her childhood and growing up and basically her whole life of wanting to laugh with people and not understanding because they are hearing and she is deaf... i mean of coarse she can laugh with us and can laugh with other deaf people and even hearing people... but i just was thinking of like... the struggles shes had to go through of not understanding what people are speaking...

not to say she isnt happy and good now, i just kind of got a better understanding of what deaf people go through.


trying not to pity...

but still...


im excited for Deaf Awareness Day! (theres gonna be a big event where tons of people come, deaf, hearing, ASL students, ASL teachers,) i hope i can go!

haircut (again) and starbucks...

its tomorrow!!! :] im excited!!!


i need to finish stupid mathematics... blegh...




and on the topic of Starbucks,


well last night me and Michael went to Starbucks for Deaf Coffee Night... (Every Wednesday) so we went there because there was no small groups and i need to go to those for my ASL class for practice and well i thought i could write my paper on that (i have to write a paper on a deaf event) and then i found out i couldnt because theres only one deaf person there... everyone else are students...


but it was so fun!!!!


at first me and michael felt tottttallllyyy lame! because we went into starbucks and sat by ourselves and just started signing... and then two people started signing to us and eventually brought us over to a group of people outside...


it was really fun! i met a tonnn of people! and they arent anything like some of the people in my class... some are just totally.... lame... (in my class... not starbucks) like really immature and not any difference than highschool which i was hoping for, going to a college class.... but whatever... thats them.


but i didnt want to leave! i met two people named britt, which at first i was like who woulda thunk it that there would be two people saying their names are britt...


but then i realised


they probably shortened it cause its tedious to fingerspell a whole name (brittany) even though its only 3 more letters... still...


if you do it 7 times... thats 21 letters you didnt have to spell!! (which well... happends because i had to say my name about 10 times last night)


but yeah...


im DEFINETLY going again! well...


when i can...


maybe when i get my licence i can start regularly getting starbucks after small groups and if the people are there then i can chat it up and then leave and if not then just take my happy coffee and go home.


im so excited for my licence... i mean.. gas sucks... but still!!! i could actually GO PLACES!!! or well... not yet...


but i will...

on monday (if i pass... which im terrified but hope i will of coarse)

but yeah..

haircut excited,

starbucks, exciting.


yay :]

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

list part 2

i never realised how picky i am with like... looks.... in a guy...


i mean, really...


ive liked SO MANY GUYS!!!


but i guess that means im surrounded by a lot of attractive people? because i dont know... i thought i didnt care about looks and that like personality is what matters to me...


but ive found thats not really true... personality can make someone more attractive to me, but... there are just some people who i will never be attracted to.



i dont know what posessed me to post this... but i just thought i would...


i guess thats why ive been so big on the jonas brothers...


cause they are freeking ATTRACTIVE!


AND

thats probably why ive had issues with my friends and i liking the same person, because well... i like people that are attractive... like.. in general.


i feel bad for that,


but really...

without physical attraction, im sorry bud but its not gonna last.


you DO get sick of people no matter how they are. ESPECIALLY when they arent attractive to you physically...



im honestly worried about how i will be when im aloud to date...


i feel like i may have issues... but i also feel like ill be totally fine... i guess it just depends on the guy...


i guess i need someone with experience in relationships that is patient as i get adjusted to actually being ALOUD to date.



like see... thats one of the things about the guy im going crazy about, that wasnt on the list cause i hadnt written it down yet...


gahhh


im goin crazy!

Haircut/Avon

So, im excited for getting a haircut... i kind of am scared, but more excited than scared.


cause i kind of told the girl to do what she wants, as long as it works.


so hopefully its like better than i could have thought of...


and hopefully she can help me with my stupid-hair issue... so i can actually style my hair myself and still be unique (other than color in the hair.)

which reminds me, i need to dye it again. the roots are showing like MAJOR!




but now on to Avon


so my mom is like a representative of Avon now, and im pretty much a representative for Mark. products.

so that means, i can get mark products with a discount!!!

sooooo


that means,


i have all these products at my fingertips. im getting this purfume which is mmmm delicious.

and this make-up which will be amazing


and maybe even a few clothing items. like jewelry, purses, dresses, maybe even SHOES!


ahhh when it comes to these things im a TOTAL girly girl.


i mean... i gues i dont CARE as much, and can live without, but that doesnt mean i dont want them.


and also i hate trying things on.... ugh... hate it!


if i could i would just *poof* have everything work and fit. i dont ever go "shopping" like... looking around and just trying things on.


i go BUYING. i find what i want, hold it up to myself, and if it looks good enough i will try it on. and then if it fits then ill get it... if not... then well... suck! cause ill have to get a different size.


some people actually LIKE trying things on.


me?


hate it!!!


but anyway, i feel like things are going to be getting better. as far as appearance. (which i have been having issues with lately)


im gonna start working out with my momma, and have these perfect items, i know that image isnt that big of a deal, but really...


it just makes me feel better, im more confident, and not feeling like i have to apologize for people having to look at me.



like... honestly...



wow


who knew this blog post would become a one sentance confession time.


anyway,


im excited.


and might even make some MONEY!!!


i mean yayuh!!!