Tuesday, October 21, 2008

:[

Okay, so i just need to vent right now...


i mean, ive been venting to my mom, but i dont know... i just need to vent still...


i miss my brother...


and i mean... REALLY miss him...


for some reason i havent talked to him about it at all, but i just miss him...


cause we used to be best friends, and always hang out, and he would be like introducing me to his friends and take me along everywhere (i wouldnt even ask, he would just want to take me)


and then he started hanging out with new people, and now we never talk, never hang out, nothing.


we've "lost touch".

i mean, i feel like he's strictly my brother now... not my best friend, and it makes me sad.


for the past few weeks its been consuming my brain, and now i just gotta let it out!


every single time he hangs out with his friends or goes somewhere, it bugs me.

ive noticed ive kind of become hostile towards him. a lot of our conversations are arguments lately... and when we do talk about things that arent of arguments, its usually about the same things. (and ive noticed that a lot of the arguments are started by me not being nice)


and really what is bugging me the most is he's doing things that he was supposed to do with ME, with this other friends...


like... i KNOW things have changed, because if things were like before, he would have invited me to those things, he would have thought of me, and remembered "oh yeah, summer has been wanting to do that with me, i should bring her along."


but no.


he doesnt.



i mean seriously, i need my brother!


when he was gone in africa those were the 2 worst weeks of my life... i could not get out of a deeeeeeeeeeep hole (also because 2 people decided to die right before he left, and had their funerals while he was gone, right when i needed him the most, and my friends were busy or gone in africa too, so i had pretty much no one.) but right when he got back and i saw his face, everything was right again... i tried everything to be okay while he was gone, and nothing worked.


and now he's home, and im losing him again.



i have no idea how to talk to him about it, because i dont want him to have to make an intentional decision just for my sake... (ive noticed thats the biiiiiiggggest reason why i dont tell people they are hurting me, because i dont want them to make an intentional decision just for me.)... i guess thats also a problem with my view of my self-worth, but thats a different issue.



:[ like today, i snapped at him (he doesnt even know that it was me snapping at him) and when he didnt even acknowledge or see what i was REALLY saying, then i got angry and hurt, and i actually started crying (we were texting, so he didnt know)



i felt like such a typical girl.

not just spitting out what she's REALLY meaning, and making it where the guy has to see it on his own, and then getting mad when the guy doesnt see the secret words...


i mean usually i dont do that cause i get that guys dont see it, but this time i did and i dont know.... i just.... did.


im just sad that i lost my best friend, and im getting mad at myself for pushing him away now that im hurt.


:[



i guess the reason why i wont say anything to him about it, is because im letting him have his own life, i mean he's in college, he has his own friends, i get that....



but does that really mean i have to lose him?

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