Tuesday, October 7, 2008

mental breakdowns are weird.

so last night i definetly had one. at least apathetically.

so i go in my room to just talk to God (and myself) and i just was laying down on my bed crying (not like... sobbing, which one only occur every like... 4 minutes) not caring about anything anymore. like... probably the most INTENSE not caring ive ever had.

i wanted to just lock myself in my room and lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for the rest of eternity. getting my meals under the door.

but i didnt care so much, i didnt care enough to even get up, and walk over to my door (oh say 4 feet away) and lock it.

and, also if i locked it, and didnt come out, well... my door is easily unlockable from the outside so after it was unlocked, i would have some explaining to do.

and i just really didnt care enough to have to explain to anyone.

i didnt want anything anymore. because everything costs money.

i wouldnt be able to go to a park and swing on the swings if i was homeless... that would be unacceptable. and just scary. i would be kicked out.

free thing? gone.

and being a musician.

maintaining your instruments takes money. (strings, damages, electrical things)

and to actually BE a musician, takes money. you have to have money to make money...
gas, shower, clothes, the instruments themselves,

everything you do takes money.

using the computer=electricity=bill=money

sitting at home doing nothing=morgage=bill=money

going for a drive=gas=money

living pt.2 =water=money

looking decent = clothes=shoes=shower=make-up=money money money money

i just didnt care anymore

if i had to stay in my house forever until someone had to break in and take me out themselves, to put me in jail, then.... whatever. at least in jail i dont have to pay MONEY to live.

i mean why the HELL is it like that?!?!?!?!!

you can stay in jail forever, and they FEED you. give you clothes, let you take a shower.

yet there are people who have just had mental breakdowns, tragedies, addictions, and didnt even break the law, just didnt have MONEY and so they have to STARVE?!?!?

so i just didnt care anymore.

i cant do anything about not having money. either way,

when i get money, to LIVE

it goes away. so i can LIVE

i mean whats the use?

then i went on the computer and listened to music, and went on youtube and watched funny videos.

i cared a little bit more then.

and well now its the next day. i had to go to school.

so i did

and i signed and talked and learned.

i cared a little bit more then.

then i started to remember my friends, my peers, God, how happy they make me FOR FREE.

and now i care.

i feel like it could happen again. just going in my room, and not caring.

but God's not letting that happen. nope. im soooooo glad hes persistant.

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