Tuesday, October 7, 2008

mental breakdowns are weird.




so last night i definetly had one. at least apathetically.


so i go in my room to just talk to God (and myself) and i just was laying down on my bed crying (not like... sobbing, which one only occur every like... 4 minutes) not caring about anything anymore. like... probably the most INTENSE not caring ive ever had.


i wanted to just lock myself in my room and lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for the rest of eternity. getting my meals under the door.


but i didnt care so much, i didnt care enough to even get up, and walk over to my door (oh say 4 feet away) and lock it.


and, also if i locked it, and didnt come out, well... my door is easily unlockable from the outside so after it was unlocked, i would have some explaining to do.


and i just really didnt care enough to have to explain to anyone.


i didnt want anything anymore. because everything costs money.


i wouldnt be able to go to a park and swing on the swings if i was homeless... that would be unacceptable. and just scary. i would be kicked out.

free thing? gone.


and being a musician.

maintaining your instruments takes money. (strings, damages, electrical things)

and to actually BE a musician, takes money. you have to have money to make money...
gas, shower, clothes, the instruments themselves,


everything you do takes money.

using the computer=electricity=bill=money

sitting at home doing nothing=morgage=bill=money

going for a drive=gas=money

living=food=money
living pt.2 =water=money

looking decent = clothes=shoes=shower=make-up=money money money money


i just didnt care anymore


if i had to stay in my house forever until someone had to break in and take me out themselves, to put me in jail, then.... whatever. at least in jail i dont have to pay MONEY to live.


i mean why the HELL is it like that?!?!?!?!!


you can stay in jail forever, and they FEED you. give you clothes, let you take a shower.


yet there are people who have just had mental breakdowns, tragedies, addictions, and didnt even break the law, just didnt have MONEY and so they have to STARVE?!?!?


so i just didnt care anymore.


i cant do anything about not having money. either way,

when i get money, to LIVE

it goes away. so i can LIVE


i mean whats the use?


then i went on the computer and listened to music, and went on youtube and watched funny videos.


i cared a little bit more then.

and well now its the next day. i had to go to school.

so i did

and i signed and talked and learned.


i cared a little bit more then.

then i started to remember my friends, my peers, God, how happy they make me FOR FREE.


and now i care.


i feel like it could happen again. just going in my room, and not caring.


but God's not letting that happen. nope. im soooooo glad hes persistant.

No comments: