Friday, December 19, 2008

Idle

So lately my days have been.... weird... i cant really think of a better word, but they have just been weird... I go day by day doing the same thing (for the most part,) i mean every day is different, but the same.


school, God, friends, food. not much difference.

mondays- school, food, friends, God.
Tuesdays- school, food, friends, God.
Wednesdays- school, food, church/friends, God.
Thursdays- school, food, church/friends, God.
Fridays- school, food, church/friends, God.
Saturdays- food, friends, God.
Sundays- church, God, friends, food.



i mean... so routine! sure when im with my friends we do different things, but still... its routine!

even music has become boring to me! when i listen to i-tunes i cant find a song i want to stay on. its never like an "ooh!!! this song!" its always just like, oh this is a good song, *pass*. in order to listen to a whole song i have to hold myself back. i just want to listen to the beginning or the best part of the song, and move on. the rest of the song isnt worth it to me anymore.


maybe thats how i am with life. except IM not forcing myself to not skip anything, Time and God is. i HAVE to listen to the whole song.



i feel like my life is idle right now. like... the desert of my life... where theres not much going on, but soon will be? i dont know... im kind of afraid of how inside i am sometimes.


sometimes i dont let myself fully experience something. i just stay inside myself and watch from my little body-shell, but me, the real me, is inside curled up, and my body just nods and smiles and laughs at the appropriate times so my cover isnt blown.



i need to start figuring out how to put on my body again, (imagine the real me, sitting curled up inside my body, and then when im ready to be free, i stand up and kind of put on my body like a coat and walk around in it)

i dont know.

Something Nicholai said one sunday when he was teaching, really got to me. he said when he feels like he needs to come back to God, he does the last thing God told him to do.


well.


im going to try that.

this may sound weird, but for some reason God wants me to start painting again. i feel like only then will i actually be me, body and soul, instead of hiding curled up inside of my body.


i dont know if im making any sense at all, because im kind of writing the blog like... in my head, and i dont know if im typing everything im thinking i should type.


my soul is bad at explaining things.

but yeah, thats probably why things have been "wierd".



i just realised, i think i have the start of the same thing a friend of mine has been struggling with for like a year.

hmm.


ill have to see if painting works for me.

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