Monday, December 8, 2008


Ive been questioning things a lot lately,

my thoughts, my motives, whether im hearing God or just myself, my wants, my needs, my taste in certain things, my talents, etc.

a lot of why's, and what's.

like, what am i thinking, am i really thinking that from my heart or just lying to myself, why am i thinking that,

or motives,

what are my motivations, why am i motivated by them, am i really motivated by those things? or is there something else.

i think you get the jist of it.

its been weird, and i havent really been getting a lot of answers, and its kind of ironic because right now my church is doing a series called "Dear God" where you send in questions that you want to ask God, and then they teach about it.


i didnt send in anything because i didnt know what i would write, and now i have all these questions, but none of them are really able to be answered from a church service, they are all like a battle in myself, for my own personal experiences, and not like a global thing,

like this week was why is there suffering,

yeah ive wondered that and the service was great! and deeeeefffffffinnneetly needed that day, (ill elaborate later) and i got some questions answered with that,

but those arent the ones that are nagging my brain,

they are all the ones of myself, my own personal mind, so ive been praying every night to God, asking for help with things, and trying to listen (failing, because i get tired and want to sleep, the downfall of doing it right before bed) and of coarse, he doesnt shout at me, he doesnt tell me a whole paragraph long reason for why certain things are that way, or a big long speech about what im supposed to do,

he gives me like one sentence every like... 2 weeks, and i try and like... dissect it and figure it out and search in my life for how it works, and applies, and such.

like for example, one week i got a sentance of him saying (as i was asking for guidance) "Keep going on the path your on. it will take you 'there'" i know what "there" is, but i was like trying to figure out like whats my path? where am i going? all of the things im doing are like depending on different things i have to make decisions about and i cant make up my mind because i need guidance, but the only thing i have is keep going, so then i just make a circle, so i just decided, keep going, with school, finishing school, graduating early, trying to get a job, saving money, pretty much just keep living in this year. and stop trying to fix things for the upcoming years.

and then the other day i got the "your life is going to change tomorrow, your future will start" and like... i understand what He meant by "future will start" but the change i didnt understand! it messed me up this weekend because i was trying to figure out like, what is this change, will i notice? should i be searching, will it be evident? what is it? when will it happen? is this it? and well... now its after the "tomorrow" and i dont feel any different, i dont understand how my future has started, i just dont get it.

maybe it was the people ive met, the issues i talked about with friends, the differences in the normal routine i have,

i dont know.

but hopefully this is one of those things that i can look back on and know EXACTLY what that change was, and know "yeah, im in the future of my past, and that is how i got here"

yeah. so im still screwed up from the sentences God has told me, but im just gonna keep going.

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