Wednesday, December 23, 2009

i need a life.

today, and yesterday, i was on addictinggames.com and tetrisfriends.com and playing dress-up games (so ashamed) and fancy pants (not a dress-up game... its a stick-figure flash game that i like)

and i realised.... i need a life.


i mean, sure ive been sick for a few days and so ive been stuck at home trying to get better, but i need to get my butt in gear and get myself some friends. I mean, i know that i have friends, i could call a few people to hang out, and i could have fun. but as far as someone who will call ME and want to just hang out, one on one, to talk about life, boys, random stuff, our hurts, etc. all the stuff that come up in a conversation with close-friends, and i know that im in college now (still sounds weird, probably because im "not supposed to be yet") but i havent spent the night at a girls house, or had a someone over to spend the night just one on one, in i dont even know how long. its always in groups because im afraid of the awkwardness.

I mean, i know of people who go and hang out and specifically try to make friends with the "loner girl" or the girl with no friends, or whatever. but i guess i just put off this idea that im totally fine, and have all the friends i need. i guess that is the problem with being at the same church for your whole life... everyone "knows you" so they dont need to pay attention to you, or sit with you when youre alone. only the new leaders do that. or people who know that i have friend-issues. or if i guess i look pitiful enough, or lonely enough hah. but idk.


for a while ive been waiting and hoping for someone to text ME that they want to hang out, someone who will be persistant with ME to hang out or get in touch again, not just me texting them over and over, feeling awkward and lame because they have their group of friends that they are always with, so you feel like youre intruding.


bleh


so i have to get over that and just shove my way into peoples lives i guess, and hopefully they will accept me, and if not, well then... i dont have anything to lose i guess... if i have a reputation, its just that im musical, or that im a backstabbing beezy, so cant get worse, right?



i just need my girls back. i used to have a group of 5 girls that i would constantly hang out with, always. not always the same people, but i would definetly have a group of girls. and nowwwww... nada. honestly, i dont hang out with any girls on a regular basis whatsoever. if i saw anyone, it would be melissah, but now i only see her at new format. so really, my regular friend group would consist of Spencer, and Adam, and at New Format, i sit with Michael and Melissah.



Its interesting how someone could have countless amounts of friends, that would even come to your house every tuesday night for a small group thing, and you could call anyone of them to hang out, and then it switches to, no one at your house. never calling anyone except for spencer, and never texting anyone except for spencer, and adam if i want to see what "people are doing"


bleh.


idk, maybe its just me being sick that makes me feel lonely, but whatever.


i want my new years resolution to be "to have friends"

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

band over

never thought i wouldnt be able to handle listening to my own band's music.


its just too much.


my ipod was mocking me all night in work playing our music like 5 times. no joke.


it sucked.


i dont like this

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

hmm

I want time to move faster because i need these years to go by so that i can finally rest. because if i rest now, i wont be set later. so i have to just get everything done now, and then rest after.


but i do want rest.


i dont have time for anything anymore.


today i sort of rested, which was nice. but i want more!


ya know the feeling when you were hungry, but then you're not anymore but once you eat something you realise you are STARVING


thats how i feel.



i finally rested after a stresssffuuullll week, and i want more!


i need more rest.


i cannot tell you how amazing christmas break will be.


college is good.


they pound you hard enough and make you work hard enough that you feel like you're there for a year, but you're not. so you get more done sooner. and then you get SUPER LONG BREAKS between semesters (December 15th-January 25th!) so then when you start again you get pounded, then rest, then pound, then rest, then pound. its like ahh so lame but so great too.


i like it.
but i dont.


idk


i think i might go away.


after im out of community college with my AA, i might go away for college.


right now, it's sounding good. especially with the drama that is happening here, and my lack of friends as it is.


i dont mean like cross-country.


but like... up a bit more in california. enough to where i dont live here, but enough to where i can come down often.


so that im not completely abandoning my family and few friends.


but for right now,


im gonna sleep.


and hope i dont starve afterwards.

Monday, November 23, 2009

who?

who wants to be my friend?

the band broke up, and it got ugggglllyyyyy. and they were kind of the core of my friends so essentially i need friends.

any takers?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I have a jobbbb!!!!

At yogurtland in hazard center in mission valley. My first day was yesterday. It was SO fun!!!! I love it! I come back in on Sunday night for the closing shift. My hours (once Im done with training) will be Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, from 4:30 to 11:45.

Come visit me sometime :)

Www.yogurt-land.com

Also I'll probably be posting another blog about the adventures of my first day.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

blog

i havent blogged in a whiiiiiillllllleeeee.

but a little bit of me is happy about that because it means i dont have time to do it.

but i just thought i would post a little update on things.

okay, i know myself better than that to say that it will be a "little" update.


anyway...


So, today is the last day of the summer of 2009 for me. well... this is moreso the last 47 minutes of the summer for me.




anyway.

i feel like im growing up a bit more. like i can feel it.


i was looking back at old pictures of myself and i was just realising how different i am from this year than last year, and how much i grew and matured, and i feel like im becoming more of my own person, and having my own opinions and views on things no matter how many times things are hammered into my head that im supposed to just soak up, i still have my own opinions and want to search them out for myself.


these past 8 months i would describe as independance. because i got my own car, i graduated on my own and not just cause i survived 4 years of HS, but because i decided i wanted to graduate this year so... i did. hah. and also with my faith, i became more independant.... like.... literally. which sounds stupid to say literally to the word independant but i mean like... with my faith im not DEPENDING on anything or anyone. its completely mine. not my pastor's, not my worship leader's, not my friends', mine. i believe what I believe. and not what everyone wants me to believe. and through being independant on my faith, ive become independant on my morals too. (such as the modesty thing) i feel like from becoming independant ive opened my eyes a bit more to the way things REALLY are, and not just my sheltered way-i-want-things-to-be view.


Ive had a really amazing summer! its been.... full.


not just busy, but full.


a lot has happened, and im happy.


i dont want this to turn into some sappy movie ending "i laughed, i cried, it was an adventure" but honestly, my summer was great! it wasnt perfect but, in a way it was. hah.



Im excited for my first day officially as a college student.

Im excited to be taking vital, productive steps towards my future.

im liking who im becoming, and who i will be.

im liking that my steps forward arent just non-chalant, apathetic guesses, but confident, driven strides.


idk...


all i know is, im growing up, and im excited.

Monday, July 13, 2009

:[

I need a good godly girl friend who can become my best friend and will talk with me on the phone whenever, and will hang out with me all the time and invite me a lot of places with her because thats just what best friends do, and wont talk down to me like im super young or naive or something, and who i can trust wont tell any single thing about my life to anyone else, and who will be loyal to me, and will stick up for me, and who will come over to my house all the time and spend the night all the time, and has knowledge in spiritual things, and we can have fellowship together...



:[


i have my band, and then surface friends.


and when it comes to my band, i only talk about deep stuff with one of them, maybe one more, and they are all guys.


i need a girl!


i know it takes time, but im too scared to try anymore... i dont feel like its worth it to get close to anyone anymore because they are just gonna leave me or give up on me or hate me after they see the real me for long enough, because thats how it has been with everyone that ive gotten close to.

im never good enough. i always am the one that gets pushed aside after time, im the on that gets forgotten to be invited, and then eventually people just stop talking to me altogether.



i go to church all smiley and huggy but really, honestly, i HATE having to find a place to sit, because yeah there are open places, but i dont feel welcome.


ive been going to this church longer than a wholllle lot of the people in there, so why am i STILL not feeling welcome?


i used to have friends,

i used to hang out with people all the time, have sleepovers, go on girly adventures, etc.


and then it all just vanished.




i NEED a friend. im seriously in NEED of one.


i seriously want to look on craigslist for a good friend. or like.. eharmony or something, but for friends.



:[

Friday, June 19, 2009

Updates

Okay... so.


quick recap of all the funness that happened at the start of my summer!!!! (ahh its gonna be so good!)

1- Grad Nite... it was AMAZING! so much fun! disneyland turned into a rave/club! it was so awesome! me and the friends i brought decided we're gonna try to come with our friends' future grad nites, and then eventually become chaperones because it is SO FUN! and fairly cheap.


2- Birthday... So Spencer planned out my whole birthday-day and so that was really fun! and the gifts he gave me made me cry... one of them was a painting that i am IN LOVE WITH. and so the whole day was just really fun. and i was with really rad people, and then after all the events ended we went back to Ariel Zeigler's house and spent the night and then had pancakes in the morning, and then after that i got ready for...

3-Graduation... it was super long, super boring, waayyyy too many speeches! there were like 64 people graduating, and im pretty sure more than half of them gave speeches because they gave everyone the option to say a 1.5 minute speech... but still... it was boring, and i was the 2nd to last person to graduate because my last name is Valentine so i had to waiiiiiiiiit forevvverrrrrrr to get my diploma, but then afterwards it was fun, and we hung out at michael's house.

4-Saturday... the band went flyering for our upcoming show this monday, and bought tshirts at the swap meet to make band shirts out of for our show, and then something happened that i couldnt miss or something like that...

5-Sunday... Melissah got baptised!!! :]]] yayyyy! then afterwards we went to michaels? im forgetting things... i dont quite remember what happened.

6-Monday... The band went and tried to screenprint some shirts for the show, that didnt work out so well so we were doing different things to try to fix the file we were going to screenprint, and then just hung out, bunch of stuff,

7-Tuesday... i dont quite remember all that happened earlier that day, but i remember i was checking craigslist for an ipod touch (sort of a birthday present type thing) and then went to souplantation with the tuesday group, then had tuesday group at la mesita park and then hung out at michael's

8-Wednesday... picked up the ipod touch with spencer and jon and then went back to michael's to figure out the ipod touch and jailbreak it and all that good stuff, then i got my hair dyed!!! which i LOOOOVE! and everyone else loves it too! so im really happy with it. it made me nervous though because violet's boss wouldnt let me have any say in the decisions they would make because i was being a hair model for violet to prove her skills to her boss, but it turned out amazing! yayyyy!

9-Today... went to church, had TPT practice, then went to a meeting with Jason and David about worship in Encounter, and it was a really good meeting, and then went to grossmont to get food, then went to michael's house after figuring out if i was needed for worship this week or if i had a break, and then hanging out at michael's then going to a party with C28 people at like 9:45 and played rockband for like... ever! and then went home at like... 1:00am-ish.

10-Tomorrow... i have TPT practice, like... crazy hardcore practice because we have stuff coming up.

11- the next day (Saturday)... is my, spencer's, noah's, david's, and michael's, combined graduation party which TPT is playing a couple songs at... (thus some of the hardcore practice)

12-Sunday... TPT is playing a song (or so i think) in encounter? i think? i never heard if it was final or not actually, but we have a song called benjamin song that is like the story of Benjamin Button which is the movie that Encounter is doing for God at the Movies.

13-Monday... TPT has a show!!! at Channel Twelve25 7:00pm. $8 presale, $10 at the door, we're playing with The Status, Pensive, Paint, and i forgot the other band (if there is one)... and we have a new intro! and possibly... HOPEFULLY we will have shirts by then because we will pretty much have to go to the screen printing place that morning, give them the remade file, have them made, done, and dried, all before 6:00... so yeah... wow.

14-Tuesday... its Jon's 16th bday!!!!! yayyyy!!!

15-24-27th... not much... probably just awesome hang out times.

15-28th (sunday)... mandatory Pre-OGN meeting!!!!! ahhhhh so close! so awesome!


16- 30th-6TH OOOOOOOGGGGGGNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

17- July 9th- Rx Bandits are coming to SOMA!!!! yeeeuhhhh!!!! so excited!

18- July 18th- BATTLE OF THE BANDS!!!! at Channel Twelve25 (of course) winner gets i think 750? and the other bands had to compete and be judged and picked to even play at battle of the bands, but the venue actually ASKED us to play, so we didnt have to compete or be judged, we're just in... to play battle of the bands.



so yeah.


im pretty dang excited!!!


not to mention all the fun awesome stuff that Encounter is gonna do throughout the summer, and then going into New Format! which is CRAAAZYYY to me!!! wow! man


this summer is gonna be THE BEST!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Update

Okay... so...


my mom woke up (after like 2 hours of me pacing around the house, calling a friend, just laying on the ground doing nothing, blogging, etc.) and i told her i needed to go to the hospital, of course she was worried and asked why, so i told her.


she called the doctor and made an appointment.


i went to the doctor, did a test, the doctor asked me questions and told me what was wrong with me...


oh and, while i was there i found out i was due for 3 shots :[


so i get the shots (like a trooper), get the antibiotics and i go home.



so im like... DEAD TIRED because i got absolutely NO sleep whatsoever the night before because my back was hurting so bad (and my back was hurting the whole day too. like during the test, in the waiting room, etc.)


so i get home and take a nap, but only for like... 45 minutes because i wake up with the WORST pain of my entire life!!!! like... it was excrutiating! the night before i would have rated my pain as like a 6 or 7, but this was more like... a 9.5 (i left the .5 for people who had a limb cut off, or are in labor, etc.) but i was bawling my eyes out, i called my friend to have them pray for me, and then i called my mom to come home from work RIGHT NOW and call the doctor because i needed to go back to the hospital ASAP! i was in soooo much pain!



like, i was writhing because i was in so much pain, and i was crying, but the writhing/moving made my pain worse, so it was like a vicious cycle.



and so i was telling my mom when she got home and was on the phone with the doctor that i dont care about IVs i want morphine! i want an ambulance! i dont care!

and i couldnt get out of my bed, so i wanted a stretcher too.


i wanted some freeking IMMEDIATE attention!


so my mom was talking to the doctor and they set up an appointmet for Urgent Care for 6:00pm!!!! that was like... 4 or 5 hours of waiting!!!! but it was the best we could do i guess,


and they said to give me 3 ibuprofin and if it works, then we can cancel the appointment...



so i take them, and my mom helps me out of my bed and moves me to the couch, and by then ive become sort of like... apathetic. like, kind of like "if this pain kills me, whatever. if i pass out from the pain, whatever. if i throw up or something, whatever." so i stopped crying and stopped moaning and writhing and just kept the pain within myself.


and then my wonderful, amazing, loving, perfect friends came over to visit me and watch star wars with me. and they brought me a slurpee haha.


and so my pain started to go away, and i started to feel better, it still hurt when i moved though, but it wasnt so constant anymore...


so we cancelled the appointment.



but i seriously thought my kidney was about to rip open, or catch on fire, or just completely deteriorate.



it hurt so bad!


but now im fine...

that day i actually went to panda express with my wonderful friends (minus 1) and came back home.



and then, that night, when my painkillers totally would be worn off by then, (after about 11 hours) i got up off the couch without thinking about it, and i didnt even remember the pain until like 2 minutes later, and i was like woah!!! i just got up and didnt feel anything!



so that was awesome.



but im still drinking a TON of water, and taking my pills, and sleeping on the couch (because it gives my back more support than my bed), and eating fruit roll-ups (those dont do anything except make me happy)



so yeah.


im not dying. and im happy about it.


except,


i have to take 3 pills everyday for another like... 10 days.


which includes during grad night, and my birthday, and graduation.


but whatever, as long as it heals me, im good.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

im terrified.

k so, right now im waiting for my mom to wake up to tell her i need to go to the hospital asap because i think there may be something wrong with my kidney(s), and well im scared.



because i hate the hospital, if i dont go, this issue i have could potentially be life threatening if it spreads... but if i do go, then im gonna have to wait forever, do tests, answer questions, actually BE there, most likely have to wear one of those butt gowns, get antibiotics, and if it's serious, then possibly even an IV!!!!! like um... HOLY CRAP! i almost had to be held down to get an itty bitty shot the last time i had to get one, and i was bawling my eyes out like a baby, now an IV!??? thats like 10 times worse! i didnt like knowing a itty bitty needle had to go in my arm, but a freeking TUBE?!?!? let alone the fact that it will HURT, when they put it in AND when they take it out?!?



like... what the heck!


im scared :[



i want my mom to wake up already! and i wish today wasnt a school day too because i need some support... :[




im terrified.


pray for me to calm my nerves, and pray that it's not serious and that the pain goes away...





oh and btw, im not being overdramatic about going to the hospital, i have good reason, ive already had symptoms that the internet says "call your docter right away if..." but this time i had pain to where i couldnt sleep one wink and i called spencer to pray for me and he looked up more info, and said that i HAVE to go to the doctor in the morning, if not right then (like 4:30am)




and the sucky thing is, (or well one of them,) i havent told my mom about any of my symptoms which i know is really stupid, but 1, i didnt want to worry her or have her jump to conclusions, 2, i was emberassed because of some symptoms, and 3, i thought i was getting better...


so telling my mom is going to come as a complete shock to her, and she may be hurt i didnt tell her in the first place, so i guess pray for that too, because i really dont want her to think that she's a bad mom or something.



:[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[


im scarrreedddd!!!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

repentance

i want to see your views on repentance, like in God's eyes...


in my opinion, i think that when you TRULY repent, (not just saying sorry, but actually "turning from your ways") i dont think God sees the sin anymore. He is known to "forgive and forget" right? so i would think that God only sees the un-repented sin. right?


so when we repent we can be released from that sin, right?


and if that sin were a sort of "blurry lined" one, then maybe once you repent of it then you can look at the good side of it, as long as youve turned from your ways? i think so.


do you agree? or disagree?

i want to see your thoughts.

Graduation

Okay so theres this little shindig happening where its a 5-way combined graduation party, and well...


i was trying to make a list of who to invite, and it just made me lonely because there are people for instance, in my small group, who i want to invite, but i dont think they would care enough to come... i feel like a lot of people in my small group have something against me... which well, i know what it is, but it just sucks because they are acting like everything is fine, yet they dont want to have anything to do with me.


and its not like i can come up to them and say "heres how it is, you dont need to be mad at me" because they will be like "im not mad, what do you mean?" or whatever, but they actually are and dont want to say it to my face, and then go along their merry way and ill still be stuck with no one to turn to.


and its like really? are you serious? NO girl has my back? well... except maybe like... 1 or 2, but in comparison to the freeking like... 25 that the other person has? its like... what? i thought i had friends, but they just turn against me once i do one little thing wrong.


ugh


i just want to get out already!


this is one of the reasons why im glad im graduating early, and why i want to leave when im graduated, because every single sunday, when i look at all the faces that dont talk to me anymore, or are all awkward around me because they "know", it hurts me.


i used to be able to come into encounter, sit with whoever i wanted and have a good time. now i stand in the back until one of the few who still care about me shows up and i can tag along with them and sit with them, ignoring how alone i feel.



im sorry, but i dont want to stay.

its really not fun when you go to things like the spring retreat and the only people you get along with (except for a few girls that you barely talk to, and maybe like 2 who you sort of do) is the adult leaders... and i guess its "not aloud" for a student to hang out with an adult leader? i dont see why, especially because the ones that i would hang out with are ones that i already had ties to through either my siblings or even just myself BEFORE they became leaders.



life freeking sucks for me right now.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

2 Career possibilities

this is gonna be a super short post.


1- Graphic Designer.

2- Hair Stylist.



because both are pretty good money-wise, and i enjoy both.


maybe i could be a graphic designing hair stylist?



whats up with me and combining my career choices? like musissionary (musician/missionary)


we'll see.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

hmph

Life is bugging me.


i honestly want to just leave and start a new life. start fresh. no histories, no pasts, no grudges, no judgements, no misunderstandings. just new and ONLY new.



because heres the thing.



a lot, and i mean... a LOT of people that were my "friends" think i did something i didnt do, and easily believe that im some bad person, and that im only "acting innocent when everyone knows im not" and well...


i dont want to sound stupid right now but, I AM!


people think that i stole something from someone when if anything i was trying to help them keep it! with no intentions whatsoever of having it for myself, and even when i had it for myself i tried to respect the person who had it before me as much as i could, and in a sense it sort of like... fell into my lap rather than me taking it or trying to get it.



i went through a LOT of pain over this and i continue to beat myself up, and constantly believe that i AM a bad person. and the worst part is that my friends are mad at me because they think im some heartless thief, and there are too many for me to just go up and talk to and explain things. and they are like... secretly angry with me so they will TOTALLY BS me if i try to tell them the truth.



and as far as the person who i did this to, well... supposedly they forgave me, but i still feel so much hatred from them, and it doesnt help that i dont want to go anywhere anymore because i dont have many friends anymore. i mean... i know i did something wrong and hurtful, but i dont believe that things should have blown up this much.


im so over everyone being fake-nice to me, and gossipping about me, it just really sucks because no one knows the truth. not even the person who is the "victim" they refuse to believe the truth as well... the truth... i think it may be easier for them and slightly less painful to blame me for everything.



blah.


i need a girl friend i can talk to that wont be fake with me and wont think im a complete beezy and honestly, doesnt really know the other person.




im gonna admit something right now, the spring retreat was REALLY REALLY hard for me. i didnt want to go, i didnt want to be there, i cried a LOT because i felt so extremely alone. everyone was fake and like they all are siding with the other person and wont even come to me to see if it's true. and it also sucked because everyone is mad at ME when it was a 2-person thing. so the other person is barely having any troubles from this.


one of the moments there at the spring retreat, we were supposed to imagine us dancing with God, and well me and God stopped dancing and he just held me and i started crying (both on God's shoulder and physically) because the whole time i just needed someone to talk to about all the crap, and its like... everyone goes to the aid of the other person because they are the victim, but then its like... what, am i heartless? do i not feel guilt? or shame? do i not feel sorry? do i not care at all about that person and the fact that i, ME, I hurt them so bad that they hated me for it?!? am i not aloud to make mistakes?!!!??? i guess everyone thinks so.

but yeah, God "holding me" was sort of like a theme of my time there... but i did get a lot out of it spiritually! i mean for sure! i loved it! and i felt really connected to God, it was awesome, but just... a lot of the time when we had freetime, got pedicures, etc. i felt very alone and unloved. except i felt loved by God.




im gonna admit also, that if i didnt have other good things happening right now or other good friends to keep me preoccupied, i would be depressed and i probably wouldnt leave my room, go to church, anything... i would just sleep and be lost in my unconscious world.


blah.



i feel like a completely heartless, soulless, evil person and IM the one complaining about hurting over this. i feel so freeking rediculously pathetic.


im sad :[


im gonna go sleep.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Show the 29th

ahhhh im freaking out! because we have 40 tickets to sell by THIS FRIDAY


and how many have we sold?



like... 2



how wonderful.



im freaking out!


and we are gonna have to practice like... the day of because we werent able to practice this past friday.


im freaking out so much!



buy tickets pleeeeease!!!



The Phantom Tollbooth
May 29th
Friday
$8 presale
$10 at the door

playing with some cool bands.


show your support!


fund us so we can get tshirts!


and


we might be able to get tshirts FOR this show. yayuh!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Part 2

So, first.


if you havent read my previous blog (Quiet Time) then read it FIRST.


THEN read this one...


k?

k. go now.





So tonight theres a different speaker... but he was really good! i was suprised because usually if there is a guest speaker then its like... blehhhhh time to suddenly have ADD. but this guy was good. i think it really helped too that i was seeking God a LOT today.



but so


he was talking about repentance and used the story of Bathsheba from 2 Samuel 11


for those who dont know the story, heres a quick Summer-ized recap


David thought this guy(Uriah)'s wife (Bathsheba) was pretty hot (or "of unusual beauty") probably helped that she was taking a bath... so he asks people to find out her name, all that stuff, then has his people (cause he's a king) go get her, and so she comes to his palace, they do the pants dance, she gets pregnant, so then David FREAKS OUT and tries to justify it by trying to have Uriah come home (cause he's in battle cause they are at war or something...) so that Uriah and Bathsheba can have sex so it looks like it's Uriah's baby not David's but Uriah was bein all noble so he didnt want to go and rest at the luxeries of his home while his people are out on the battle field, then David tries to get Uriah drunk, still doesnt work, so eventually he makes it to where Uriah gets sent to the front of the battle, and has all the men fall back except Uriah so he's pretty much toast. so he dies, which is bad, bathsheba who isnt david's wife, is pregnant, so its like a whole mess of bad stuff.


anyway.


the guy tonight Danny, he was talking about repentance


and the "5 steps of Repentance" so ill just show you my notes.

1- Be Convicted.
(seek how God feels about it. not just feel guilty about your past sins)
Hebrews 3:13 "You must warn each other every day, while it is still "today," so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God."
Sin opens the door for deception, darkens your mind, and hardens your heart.

2 Samuel 12:1-9
"So the Lord sent Nathan the prophet to tell David this story: 'There were two men in a certain town. One was rich, and one was poor. 2The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle. 3The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man's own plate and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. 4One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, he took the poor man's lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.'
5David was furious. 'As surely as the Lord lives,' he vowed, 'any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! 6He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.'
7Then Nathan said to David, 'You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. 8I gave you your master's house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. 9Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife."

vs. 13Then David confessed to Nathan, "I have sinned against the Lord." Nathan replied, "Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won't die for this sin."


We can only repent when we realize WE are the problem. No excuses or justifications or downplaying the sin. When we have sin and dont repent of it we are hypocrites.

We need to be convinced that sin has concequences.
Numbers 32:23 "But if you fail to keep your word, then you will have sinned against the Lord, and you may be sure that your sin will find you out."

Proverbs 10:9 "People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall."

that last verse is pretty much saying like... if you dont do any wrong, you have nothing to worry about... but if you keep sinning you will have to be cautious because you have caused your path to become crooked which makes it easier for you to slip and fall.


Proverbs 26:26 "While their hatred may be concealed by trickery, their wrongdoing will be exposed in public"


That goes with the whole being a light thing i was saying in my previous blog... and in the verses where it says that if you are a light it exposes.

Ephesians 5:13 "But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them. 14 for the light makes everything visible..."

so that tied in together pretty nicely.


a good way to figure out what you should repent about is ask yourself
"would i want so and so to know i do or have done this?" if you have to keep some blurry lines secret, you probably shouldnt do them, you probably should bring them in the light, because otherwhise... you WILL be found out...



2nd step of repentance
Confession

but if you repent first, and confess your sin, then God will take care of you.

1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness."


so thats pretty awesome... if we figure out that we have a problem. want to get rid of it, then we try to have a change of heart, ask God for help, confess the sin without justifying it, and He will keep His promise... because God doesn't lie.


Psalm 51:1-4 (david's response after admitting he had sinned about Bathsheba)
"Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. 2Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. 3For i recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. 4Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just."

if you read the rest of chapter 51 you see he is TOOOOTTALLLY sorry, like... just really beating down on himself about it and its not him being sorry for being caught, he truly is sorry for his sin because God deserves better.

back to my notes.

God's the only one who will be judging me in the end.


2 Corinthians 7:8-11
"I am not sorry that i sent that severe letter to you, though i was sorry at first, for i know it was painful to you for a little while. 9Now i am glad i sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. 10For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. 11Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right.

Proverbs 28:13
"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

James 5:16
"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."

Psalm 32:3
"When i refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and i groaned all day long."


Confessing our sins to SOMEBODY frees us of our burden. If you confess it to God and that's not enough then that's a sin you should confess to someone. Make peace before going to the altar so there is nothing between you and God making it difficult to truly worship. When you confess dont make excuses. Admit it how it is. True repentance takes true remorse.



3rd step
Commit

do EVERYTHING you can. Let go of what you need to let go of.

Acts 5:31
"Then God put him in the place of honor at his right hand as Prince and Savior. He did this so the people of Israel would repent of their sins and be forgiven."

2 Timothy 2:25
"Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people's hearts, and they will learn the truth."

Repentance is a gift. You cant overcome the power of sin without god. Ask God to grant you a deeper level or repentance.

Psalm 51:10-13
"Create in me a clean heard, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. 11Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. 12Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.

4th step
Restitution-
is part of justice.

when you do something wrong, make it right. If you know youre gonna have to make it right eventually, or later on, then youre gonna want to do it right the first time.

5th step
Strategy




Psalms 32:1-2
"Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! 2Yes, what a joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!"





so okay.


it didnt like... COMPLETELY fit with what i read today, at least not my notes,


but the service did.


like..


making things right, (like dont let the sun set while you're still angry)

and shining light (being the light, exposing sin)

etc.


so it did fit.


at least enough for me.


im excited for what's to come of tomorrow :]

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Quiet Time. May 21, 2009

Okay, so this morning i spent 2 hours engulfed in the Bible, and prayer, and striving for connection with God... and at the end i decided i wanted to post about it... which im really excited about because i used to want to be a pastor, and well... i sort of still do, but i dont know...


for the most part im just gonna post a TOOON of scripture, and let you make of it what you want because i dont want to feed you false things, so im just gonna show you the Truth in the Word and hopefully you make of it correctly, but ill let you know a bit how it fits in my life at the moment...


so im not gonna go in order or when i found what... so okay here-goes.



This is kind of my verse of the moment right now... or well... i just relate to David a lot in this.



Psalm 4:1-2,4-5.
"1-Answer me when I call to you, O God who declares me innocent. Free me from my troubles. Have mercy on me and hear my prayer. 2-How long will you people ruin my reputation? How long will you make groundless accusations? How long will you continue your lies? 4-Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. 5-Offer sacrifices in the right spirit and trust in the Lord."




Also, tonight at Common Ground i was really inspired to read more about David's life... his story sounds really interesting! i wish i could find a Bible that is chronoligical... because theres the story of Bethsheba in 2 Samuel, and then after he admits he has sinned, then he writes Psalm 51... so im like ahhh i wanna read it in order! Brian, do you know of any chronological bibles?



but... back to this post.

So here's an Anger theme that i found today... oh and btw, i wasnt going by any bible reading plan, this all happened out of different guidances from God that happened in rad ways.


so yeah.


oh and also btw, the reason this applies to me right now is because ive been very interested in anger, and how to be angry righteously...


-Anger-
Ephesians 4:26 "And 'don't sin by letting anger control you' (reference to Psalm 4:4) Don't let the sun go down while you're still angry. 27-for anger gives a foothold for the devil. 31- Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."

^^ i like that one... essspeeccciiially vs. 31

Psalm 4:8 "In peace i will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe."

i just liked that because it kind of like applies to the "dont let the sun go down while youre still angry" so like... you sleep in peace, not in anger... idk i just liked it.



and then these two verses moreso apply to my friend's dad who ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS "teases" and he says its not in a mean way, but if he knew that it was hurtful, he wouldnt stop...


ive noticed that Colossians and Ephesians are like... almost identical... at least in content. maybe not exact words, but the content is for sure the same... (i read both complete books today)

anyway (sorry im so scatterbrained)


Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not prevoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord."

Colossians 3:21 "Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged."



so... friend.. (you know who you are) feel free to use those scriptures in arguments if need be since he does.









and then my next "theme" is of

-Living in the Light-

which i have talked about in blogs before... remember the whole "blurry lines" deal, well yeah... okay so here it is... this is a long one btw.


Ephesians 5:1 Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. 2Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.
3Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. (this one really applies to my friends ->)4Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes - these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. 5You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
6Dont be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. 7Dont participate in things these people do. 8For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! 9For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. 10Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. 11Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. 12It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. 13But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them. 14for the light makes everything visible. This is why it's said,
"Awake, O sleeper,
rise up from the dead,
and Christ will give you light."
15So be careful how you live. Dont live like fools, but like those who are wise. 16Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17Dont act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. 18Dont be drunk with wine, because the will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit,19singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. 20And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.



Here is some really similar stuff in Colossians
Colossians 3:5-17
5So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don't be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. 6Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming. 7You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9Dont lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. 10Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.
12Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
16Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to god with thankful hearts. 17And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.


Colossians 1:27 "For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.

that verse is better when you read the whole chapter, because you kind of get to know Paul's heart and compassion for the people of Colosse (and every other city he wrote to)(and every other person on the face of the planet)


and of course Jesus's words...


Matthew 5 14You are the light of the world - like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.



another theme is not listening to what someone says about the bible and instantly believing it. even with pastors... because i know so many people that just believe anything Brian says, or Ed says, or Todd says, because they are pastors and thats just what people do... they believe what pastors say...


but you should test it.


so heres a few verses i found.


-Testing-
(btw you see a bit of Paul's compassion in this)
Colossians 2:1-5 1I want you to know how much i have agnoized for you and for the church at Laodicea, and for many other believers who have never met me personally. 2I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God's myserious plan, which is Christ himself. 3In him lie hidden all the treasrues of wisdom and knowledge. 4I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments. 5For though i am far away from you, my heart is with you. And i rejoice that you are living as you shouldd and that your faith in Christ is strong.

6-7 6And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. 7Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

8Don't let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.
(C28 btw)




so yeah.


thats what i found today,


read my next post for how it all tied in together at Common Ground tonight

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tonight (tuesday)

was nice....


i was outside pretty much the whole night from 7:00 to 10:30...



with a walk that lasted 3 minutes because we started downhill and then everyone decided that since we're going downhill, then we have to go back uphill, so we turned around and walked uphill and just stayed up there...

and a little bit of centaur-shadow making with peeps, along with crab shapes, and an H, and raaaaandom everything... fighting with handguns (literal hand-guns) hearing/watching the owl(s)



but i especially liked the last hour of the night... it was very peaceful. dancing, sitting, relaxing under the stars, the clouds were amazing, the stars were amazing, it was just a very nature-y, cool, calm, relaxing night...




i want to be outside more often...



if only there werent rapists, murderers, ants, and spiders. hah.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Check it.

My friend Spencer has a blog, and he wants it to be open for discussion/comments/opinions etc.


spencerdean.blogspot.com

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The day i almost died.

So.



i almost died the other day.



well... more like... i SHOULD have died. or been seriously injured...




heres the story.


ill give a biiiit of backround first.



my power steering has been acting funky... didnt know why... put in more fluid, found out that my hose is broken so power steering=non-existant till i get a new hose... a guy i know looked at it to tell me that its broken, and told me that my tire is flat/low and the tread is wearing down on the SIDES of the tire... which is bad.



so i filled up my tire asap and thought i would be fine... which i was... driving without power steering isnt that bad... but i thought my tire would be fine once i filled it up and i wouldnt have to worry about the tread on the side until its low again.



so i was fine for a while...


and then i was driving on the 125, getting off to go onto the 94 cause i was going to pick up my Deaf World book from Spencer before class and well... when i was on the offramp to spring st/94 i ran over a MAJJJOORRRR pot hole.



like.... major.


it made my CD player stop cause it jerked my car so bad.


so i was thinkin "dannngg! that was rediculous" and then i kept driving because i didnt have much farther till my destination, but then i noticed that my power steering was harder but i was thinking "ill just check it out when im parked, i dont have that much farther" so im driving on the 94 slowly to go easy on my car, and so that people pass me so that they arent around in case something bad DOES happen... so im goin like 50-55mph and im driving over like overpasses n stuff to the streets below, and i drive over one, and im fine... then i start to drive over another and then



BOOM!



my CD player stops again and my car starts turning side to side like crazy status. and its like really difficult to steer and so im like FREAKING OUT and i pull over after the overpass ON THE FREEWAY which is scary to be sitting in a parked car in itself, so i turn on my hazard lights and just sit there for a while just like... trying to calm down because it seriously was so rediculously scary! and then i call spencer and told him "ummm..... im on the side of the freeway.... and i think my tire exploded...." so he asked me where i was and came to help... and as im waiting i have to transfer everything from my trunk to the backseat of my car so i can get the spare out, and i look at my tire and it looked like someone stabbed it 10 times...


so Spencer parks behind me and we take out my spare and try and get off the bolts and the freeking wrench thingy broke! like the part that goes over the bolt completely just like... cracked down the middle... so were like "well... now what?" so i call AAA and they come fairly fast actually, and change my tire for me and then i drive off happily ever after...



BUT


then that night i was talking to my dad and found out that the passenger front tire is the worst one to blow out... especially on the freeway because it can pull you into the car next to you... and well... when it blew out i was on an over pass so either i would have hit the overpass wall and totalled my car, or driven/broken through and OFF the over pass, landing on the street below thus totaling my car, and dying, and most likely cause a crash.... or after the over pass, i could have rolled off the side of the freeway (there was an onramp after the overpass) thus totalling my car, and possibly dying...



or

i could have spun out, gotten hit by a bajillion cars and died, or killed someone, thus totalling my car...



so pretty much.



i was really blessed to not have died that day... or been seriously injured... like... i could be in the hospital right now... but by the grace of God im completely unharmed...


just a little shaken up, and thankful im alive.

Monday, May 11, 2009

church

Okay, so Brian's comment on my last post made me want to write a new post just to go a bit more in depth in my reply... (i was just going to reply in a comment but then decided i had too much to say) and this post isnt directly to brian except like... the following line.

Yeah i agree that offending people isnt a sign that we're serving God, but i do think it's wrong if we're holding back or avoiding issues to be politically correct, or to not offend, or anything like that. I think that insults God.

(this is the part that isnt a reply to Brian)
Its saying that the listener's feelings are more important than the Truth needing to be told.

and I know some churches dont talk about politics or the pastors dont say where they stand politically, but i think the opposite should happen.


like with the '08 elections, i know that there were like prayer rallys and stuff for the Yes on Prop 8 (which i think should have been more advertised at Journey because that line is a bit blurred at Journey... like where we stand) but with like McCain vs. Obama, i think that there should have been discussions about who to vote for, teachings on how to decide in a God-honoring morally and biblically correct way, etc.


because i think that as a church, and churches all over SD we need to unite as believers and do what we can to place whoever is best in the white house. (which everyday i believe more and more WASN'T Obama, which i will post about next)


I know that there are maaannnnnyyyyy different values and moral standards and beliefs within Journey and the pastors saying their opinions wouldn't flow right with everyone, and they would really have to check their opinions before teaching them, but really, as a church we are supposed to be of one body....


and if that body has conflicting parts then it isnt right, it wont function to its fullest potential.


which brings me to another topic.



church unity...


I think that there is too much competition between churches. Numbers have become too important in the church. Personally, i think that numbers speak only so much of how great a church is...



i mean sure, if a church is AMAZING then yes there will be a lot of people coming, staying, believing, growing, etc. but you could also have a number of people having idle spirituality, or none what-so-ever, or you could have a ton of stubborn people that have nothing to do on a sunday morning...



but really, i think that if someone leaves a church to go to another one it shouldnt be so terrible or "wrong" (as ive heard some people saying,) because if someone isnt getting fed, then people should be HAPPY that they are seeking to be closer to God and encourage them, like "if you are not being fed here, if youre not growing closer to God here, please PLEASE keep searching."



i think that the goal has been messed up in the church.


numbers have gotten too important/stressed, and people actually getting fed has gone down. (not saying that churches arent trying to feed the visitors, but if you are always at a visitor level, then the current believers can only go so far)


now.

here's where i may get a bit offensive... (im not sure if i will be or already have been or not, but still.)



I have a few issues with how things are going down right now...



i dont know quite how to word it so i apologize if i sound wierd or harsh.



why is it that we have to TRY to make sunday mornings more APPEALING to the OUTSIDE-worldly people, thus blurring a few lines in the church, and then having the in-depth, growing-closer-to-God moments or at least emphasis on spirituality more on wednesdays? i mean the Word is totally being fed on sunday mornings! no doubt about it!

BUT spirituality has been taken out of the church a bit more. like demons, angels, the whole spiritual realm, has been pushed to the side a bit more

(which i think should DEFINETLY NOT be out of a high school ministry, especially because thats where people are spiritually flexible and it is clear that there have already been attacks)

and has been replaced with fun games and entertaining videos etc. i mean yes, it is fun, and engaging, and makes the atmosphere welcoming and enjoyable, but i think that is also insulting to God. Shouldn't God's AMAZING, MIRACULOUS, AWESOME-ness be the draw? and yes i understand that there needs to be fellowship within the church, but i think that should be on wednesdays, and have the in-depth discussions, spiritual contraversial teachings, on sundays.


I mean, i love Journey, I love Brian, and all the pastors, and i think God moves in Journey, and Brian is doing a good job in Encounter, but i think that there should be some more spirituality being taught. (in all churches) more things on prayer, worship, the spiritual realm, moral values, spiritual gifts, pretty much how to be a better Righteous, God-fearing, Christ-follower, and let God deal with/move in the worldly visitors.




just sayin.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Get off my back!!!!

Ive been wanting to say that a lot lately.... to a lot of people....


for one instance, guys.... now i dont want to sound conceited or like everyone is in love with me or anything, but honestly! please... guys, get off my back. i dont appreciate you constantly trying to get closer to me, or flirt with me, or whatever.... it makes me feel that my only worth in the friendship is just some toy, and once you figure out that im not gonna return it, then youll just drop me... so please....


if you want to be a good friend, please stop making me feel like im worth nothing except my body or my attention.





and then also,


with other people...


i want to just say get off my back! because well, i didnt do what you think i did (yet refuse to believe it)




and also,


with other people...


i want to say get off my back because i think people are blowing something WAAAAAY out of preportion.... people are jealous, and its annoying because its causing them to turn against things i do out of their jealousy and make them irrational and argue for stupid reasons.




and also,


with other people...


i want to say get off my back because well... im trying... but its not enough.





and with other people, i wanna say get off my back!!! because well... ITS NONE OF YOUR FREEKING BUSINESS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Stop gossipping about my life to your immature little friends just cause you are judgemental and manipulative.




but with some people, i want to say, pleeeeeease hang with me, calm me down, i want to get closer to YOU not... them






but seriously...



with most people in my life right now,



GET OFF MY BACK!!!!!!!




just fyi...


MOST people reading my blog are not included in the "get off my back" business...



most.


but not all....


sorry.





gah.


i cant tell you how much i want to just hold a press conference and just say whats on my mind.




im not afraid to offend, im just afraid good people will think im a terrible person for it.



but really people.



why is offending someone the worst thing on the face of the planet? i think being afraid to offend so much is a bit worldly.... because really, where in the bible does it say "do not offend your neighbor" um... no.... some things about Jesus offend people but im not gonna hide it just to make them happy... no!


who is more important, their happiness? or God's?



yeah.


i went there.

Friday, May 1, 2009

OGN OMG!

ahhhhh



its coming!!!!!




i love it when sign ups are happening. they make me anxious but so pumped!



they make me anxious because it makes me worry about how the heck im supposed to get the money in time (ive been applying places like craaazzyyy, hopefully one works out.)

but, i get pumped because it makes me think of all my past OGN memories and how excited i am for all the 1st years coming this year and how i am excited to see their lives and relationships with God change...


and


the college is going this year! woo! so a lot of people that i know from there are probably going so it will be like... extra cool. and extra Journ-a-fied.



so yeah.


usually i never say "omg" but everytime i say OGN and im excited i just wanna say OMG as well because it has the O and the G in common with OGN, and M and N sound the same.


i dont know.


i just like it



but im going to bed now.



IM SO FREEKING PUMPED! IM TYPING SUPPPPPER FAST!



now my wrist is kind of cramping because i had my ASL class today so my hands are tired.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Post #200

I thought i would like to share this video me and my dad just watched...




i saw it a while ago like actually on TV, but i forgot how funny it was,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus



"You're sitting in a chair.... in the SKY!"



just a quick little life-update again... well


not so much like... recently, but...


My heart and love-capacity is growing more and more, and i like it. it makes me happy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Blah day.

Today wasnt too great. anything that would have made it remotely exciting were all bad things. such as.



i got a failing grade on one of my papers for English class.


not cool. so i have to re-write it if i want to maintain my A in the class.


then, after class in the parking lot i almost get T-boned by one of my classmates,


also not cool.



so its gonna be awkward next class because he looked PISSED even though i didnt really do anything wrong. we just both were going for the exit at the same time.




and then, in the midst of almost getting rammed by my classmate (with a nice looking car btw) i cussed, and so i felt bad and i apologized to God afterward,


but then,


the WHOLE ENTIRE DRIVE there were just every idiot driver possible around me... like... im just going in the parking lot of Mc Donalds and everyone is like coming around corners super fast so i have to slam on my brakes so they dont hit me...


then i go to mc donalds and i order some food and a drink... and when i pull up i realise that i have no money in my wallet. crap! so i try to pull together as much change as possible, but i was only able to pay for my drink which is what i wanted the most. and then a little snack wrap thing thats like.. teensy and not very filling.


then driving home still, im either behind an idiot, in front of an idiot, or almost getting hit by an idiot.



then i get home, and i remember that my mom is in carlsbad for the rest of the week, and my dad is leaving tonight to go too, and so i cant vent about my day to my mom, and well... i dont really talk to my dad about stuff, he just wants to know what he needs to know and be done with it... no need for extra details... and trust me, im not exaggurating, he has even told me "you didnt need all the rest in that story" and more, and so i go home to an almost empty house,



and then i remember i have all my homework i have to do... so im dreading it,


so i start it, and its taking forever! and then my dad leaves and i finally finish my homework for the day,


and so i go to my friends house and hang out and watch the Heroes episode i missed, and that was nice, probably like... the only good part of my day, other than i drank a whole 49oz powerade from mc donalds by myself and was pretty stoked about it... and then i hung out after watching heroes and then kind of got annoyed because i was talking about a situation that really bugged me and so that didnt make me very happy,


and then i go home (in a fairly good mood, other than the fact that i have to leave to go to an empty lonely house)


so i go to my empty lonely house all lonely, and then i talk to my friend on the phone about how im home alone and other stuff, and well that kind of put me in a better mood just cause i like talkin with friends... so yeah that was pretty good.



so i had a pretty crappy day, other than like... the end of the day.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

:[

I just thought about how far away we've gotten from God.


i mean yes ive thought countless times how crappy society has gotten and how downhill everything is going, but i didnt actually really think this specific thought until just now.


i was listening to the 700 club on the tv behind me (i dont watch it, it kind of bores me, but my mom does.) and i remembered that before every episode it says "The following program does not reflect the views of ABC family" and it always depresses me because its like really? honestly. they dont want to lose viewers from GOD being on their tv? they really dont want to offend people by talking about our Creator?



wow.


in the beginning humans were walking... WALKING WITH GOD!!!


now even churches, who are really seeking God, arent even getting it fully right.



we are SO LOST we have no idea how to get home.


most of us dont even know where Home is!



i just thought of that...




im really sad about it :[



im gonna go downstairs and play worship songs to God.



He deserves it. i want to worship Him because no one else is. (not NO ONE else, but a lot of people arent, and he should be praised constantly, by every single person ever born)



so yeah


bye.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Flyer for the show

on the myspace.


myspace.com/thphntmtllbth


it shows who we're playing with.


check it!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Oh my gosh! I can post with my phone now!! Dannnnng. Im just testing this out to see how it looks weeee this is fun!!! k bye.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH SHOW COMING UP

Hey! You! Reader of my blog!




come to my band's show!



The Phantom Tollbooth is playing May 9th at Channel 1225 (again)



with other bands that are TBA/TBP (To be picked)




but its 7:00pm at Channel 1225, and i would think the price is the same as last time, like $8 in advance, and $10 at the door, but im not quite sure.



last time we got 39 tickets sold! only like 26 of which was in advance and only like 3 or 4 other friends payed at the door, so that was a rad turn-out because strangers actually named us, for who theyre paying for...



BUT


we still need to sell enough tickets in time, and its more difficult this time because well

1-its our second show, not our first, so the support is different.
2-we have less time to sell tickets/spread the word.
3-people arent going to want to see us again especially because were a small local band.


HOWEVER!


1-we wrote a new song today, and its RAD, and we might be able to finish another song next week so we might be able to play 2 new songs.
2-you love us ;) and want to see us play.
3-there are some people that missed it that might be able to come to this show.




but pleeeeeassseee


buy tickets!



we have to sell a certain amount of tickets... and we want the venue to still like us, and let them be confident that we will make them money which means they will want us to play again...



also.



bring your friends! the more fans the better! spread the word! bring your families!



do whatever you can!



also, check out our myspace... we have a video that the venue made for us from our last show, and some pics up there too from the show that Seth took for us.



add us, message us, love us, COME SEE US!



:D


comment me for more ticket info if you want, or text me or call me, just


contact me if you wanna go,


even if its a "i dont know if i can go, but im interested" or "i dont know if i wanna go, tell me why i should go."



just.


if you are at all interested,


TALK TO ME!


or message the band's myspace, whatever you prefer.

www.myspace.com/thphntmtllbth

(to remember it, its just The Phantom Tollbooth but without any vowels)

all of us check it frequently so you will reach one of us.


HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!

life update #2

just a quick update,


drama is starting to be over... its like... pretty much over, but theres still some recovery time that needs to happen, and a new normal needs to be set again.



but im not depressed anymore just fyi... and im starting to make friends/get closer with old ones again.


its pretty good.



except... my mom has placed a new rule on me that is sucky but i wont say, because well... i just wont... but its cool because a maaaaaaajor weight has been lifted from my shoulders, at the same time that a rule and responsibility has been placed on my shoulders. its kind of interesting how that works...


but yeah.


things are getting better... a LOT better.

Hmm... Future?

So i talked with my mom tonight, just sort of catching up, she asked me about The Exchange (new cafe/music/art venue thing at Journey) and i told her, and then that went into another conversation about her night, and then to my band, then to my future, etc.



so when we get to my future, i said how i dont really have a career in mind because well... i dont even wanna try for movie star or rock star haha.



so im like okay, theres no REALISTIC career i want...


and i thought how if anything i would wanna do something that i really had like.. a passion for, or a calling, and well all i could think of was how right now i have a big conviction about people's humanities being taken away, how like people in jail get treated so cruelly and like... they're treated like animals or evil robots, rather than children of God with a purpose. and then my mom told me about how i could go into psychology for people who are either in jail, or just got released from jail, or i could help women just released from jail, get jobs and keep their life on track, but then i thought how i would want to be like... a christian psychologist. i dont want to be with like some company and i go from like the scientific point of view, like the whole "how does that make you feel?" type thing, like... i want to be like "is there any generational sin in your life?" or "can i pray for you?" like... i want to be like a christian psychologist/prayer warrior/humanity giver-backer (haha).



also for people who are sentenced to life in prison, or the death-penalty, because right there youve kind of gotten your humanity, and purpose, stripped away. its like..


well, im gonna be in here forever, what purpose do i have?


and so i want to like help those people...


i dont know...



and also im big on like morals for young teens as of recently... because honestly, teens these day are SO REDICULOUSLY STUPID!!! and SO REDICULOUSLY IMMATURE! and they think they are so cool! its depressing! they cuss right and left, they are all over each other (boyfriend/girlfriend-wise) in public, girls dress like sluts and that makes them popular, guys are perves and its "funny", people who are stupid are "normal", and if your apathetic then you're "different".... and thats just in my circle of friends (almost ALL of whom are "christians" or go to church... something's wrong here...)



what?!? no! thats so not right! i feel like if we were in bible-times God would have sent down an army of angels to distroy, well... the whole earth. (like ya know how if there was a city that was realllllly screwed up then he would take out all the God-seeking ones and warn them, and then distroy the city) well i feel like God should distroy america. maybe thats why the economy goes to crap, and natural disasters happen. because there are so many people now God cant just distroy a city anymore, and we're all so spread out he couldnt just warn the righteous ones to leave, where would we go? ya know?



honestly, i constantly want to just start my own country, and do it right. like morally, socially, etc. but 1, buying your own island is EXPENSIIIVVE, and its a part of at least some country, and would probably have laws already set n stuff. and 2, people would probably either think im rediculous, or think im the leader of a kult or something... but really! not even my christian friends are doing it right! im not even doing it right!



bleh.


maybe i should start my own church? idk.


no wonder the tribulation is gonna happen, and the rapture, all that stuff.



we are screwed up!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

modesty update

Violet (my brother's girlfriend,) sent me this website

suddenlydarling.com



and its a clothing site for girls who want to be fashionable without sacrificing modesty.


which is like...


EXACTLY what im looking for :]


so im happy.


just thought i would share it in-case there are any people out there that agree with me on the modesty thing, or know people who are looking to be more modest.



feel free to share the link :]



just a little side note, i think that church's and youth groups should have like... flyers or something or like... just a small little card of stores and websites that sell modest clothes that girls could pick up or check out sometime.



just to kind of silently push modesty a bit more... just one small little thing to make it easier for girls to be modest that way they dont have to search and search and possibly eventually give up.


just an idea.

Insects

Okay, i dont know about you, but because of this weather my house, and outside of my house like my porchlight n stuff, have been getting SWARRRRMMMMSSS of bugs!

like tons of mosquito hawks, tons of REDICULOUSLY SIZED MOTHS like... seriously, they are monsters (for San Diego bugs, i know you could find like 1 foot sized bugs in like the amazon or something but this is SD,) they are HUGE



and they happened to be stuck upstairs in my house running into the windows, smacking themselves into the lights and computer monitors,



its really frustrating.



and



sometimes, a mosquito hawk would make its way into my room, and well i have a lamp right by my bed and when im going to bed i turn that light on, and turn off my ceiling fan light so that i can get in bed with a light to see, and then turn it off when im all snug and good.


well when i have only that light on, its the only thing that the little bugger is attracted to, so its all flying around my general vicinity, and every now and then it flies by my head, or runs into the lamp and is just overall stupid.


and then, after i turn off my lamp, it is attracted to the light of my alarm clock so its really annoying when mosquito hawks come into my house...



bleh.


but this one moth while i was posting my previous blog, got stuck in our chandelier thing.


its like... a glass bowl-ish lookin thing with the lights inside the bowl (not the one in the dining room,) this bowl thing is more like cup shape... more like... a cylinder with a round bottom, with lights inside it.


so a moth gets stuck in there and is like flying all around the inside of the glass part, and its really funny, until it comes flying out all stupid-like and all floppy because its drunk and messed up from being stuck in the glass thing, so it thunks itself into the windows and walls and ceiling, and then makes its way over to me, and bugs me too.




gosh i hate bugs!

Tuesday Group

I think, was really good tonight... we started out with Michael talking about something he found in the bible and what it spoke to him, and then we started talking about like controversial subjects like homosexuality, and also argued about whether or not scary movies are wrong.


which i got pretty dang heated about it. but i wont get into that.


if you wanna know more about why i think they are wrong, just ask me and ill be more than happy to tell you.


but i think it was good.


i like arguing about beliefs. it makes me stronger in my own and also,



im really thankful ive learned to admit when im wrong. because it makes life better for me.


because then arguements end once i figure out that im wrong, but when i dont.


man oh man, i stand my ground.


i do NOT, i NEVER everrrrrrr argue for the sake of arguing. i never keep going in an argument just to win.


i just argue to get my point across.


and honestly, i wish everyone would admit when they feel they are wrong, or when someone else makes a good point that stumps them. i wish people would just admit it.


because it bugs me when people just keep going after ive made my good solid points just because they dont want to admit that ive stumped them.



but whatever



but i really liked it tonight because i felt very strong in my beliefs and it made me want to research my beliefs more to back them up so that everything i believe is legit and not just like... some idea i made up in my head.


not saying as of right now they are, but like... i dont know.



honestly, i think im a pretty good arguer. i dont believe things just to believe them. i believe things for so many reasons, and i voice my opinion.



i like it :]

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Life update.

I know i just wrote a thank you thing, and so i should be feeling happy, because usually when you're thanking someone you are grateful which makes you in turn, happy.


well.


i just need to vaguely update you on my life right now.




i have nowhere to turn, i have nowhere to escape the drama that is consuming my life as of right now.




everywhere. EVERYWHERE i go. no matter what. it is there. somehow, some reminder, some person is there to make me feel like crap.





i made a wrong move, and i cant tell you how much i think about it EVERY DAY. because of it, my life is downspiraling and im struggling so much to slow the process, to try to keep my head above water. Friends are turning on me, i beat myself up about it constantly, its never out of my head, im chained down with guilt and shame, im being blamed for things i didnt do, im being judged and looked down on as a "bad friend" for things that were out of my control, people are jumping to conclusions about me about a misunderstanding that they refuse to test as truth or not, im becoming more and more depressed about something that should be over and done with by now.



i cant get away from it. no matter where i go, no matter what sanctuary i find, it is interrupted. no matter what escape i go to, it is barged in on and stolen from me. please just leave me alone! let me have my sanctuary! I shouldnt be feeling this bad! I shouldnt be beating myself up so much!




I cant forgive myself. i cant stand hurting someone, it KILLS me. im deteriorating on the inside and everyone is leaving me so im left with only few who can try to mend me.





You wanna know why its so easy for me to "skip out" on things? I cant handle being there. Where my problem is alive and thriving. i dont want to go ANYWHERE anymore because i cant handle the depression it puts me in.




It hurts me SO MUCH to know how breakable certain friendships are. How easy it is for people to just conclude something about me and not actually go to me to confirm it.




I cant tell you how much i want to just shout "ALRIGHT! I GIVE UP! JUST PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! LEAVE ME BE!" not like i was fighting for anything anyway, except maybe my sanity and humanity.



but honestly.


im drowning. and i have NO IDEA what im supposed to do to save myself.


ive given up with a lot of things, ive handed over a lot of friends and sanctuaries just for some peace.



but its not coming.



gah



i hate depression.

Thank you, friends.

I just wanted to post a blog saying thank you to all of my friends who are still sticking with me even though right now a TON of my friends are turning on me.



Thank you for not being judgemental like them.


Thank you for not jumping to conclusions to easily make me the "bad guy" as always seems to happen to me.


Thank you for being there for me.


Thank you for ignoring the gossip and lies that are causing my friendships to fall apart.


Thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so much for not picking sides as a lot of people are. (even ones i thought never would.) :'(


Thank you for putting up with this blog that is probably extremely vague to you, but not to some.


Thank you for respecting my privacy and the secrets that i have to keep for the benefit of my friends' privacies.


Thank you so much for being the few i can count on when all hell is breaking loose.


Thank you for making me laugh, and laughing with me when all of the past week i had been crying alone.


Thank you for listening when need be, and giving advice when need be.


Thank you for not leaving me even when i "get old" or "boring"


Thank you for hearing my problems and not turning it into gossip.


Thank you so much for hanging out with me and genuinely caring about me.




Honestly, right now a lot of my friendships are breaking because of a misunderstanding, and i really miss EVERY SINGLE ONE of the friends that im losing/have lost.


but thank you for sticking with me and keeping me company when i feel so alone.




also, thank you to my girlfriend for having coffee with me today... i know we just spilled the drama and boy-updates in our lives, but i cant tell you how needed that was. how incredibly overdue that was. how much i dont have that in my life anymore. I miss girl talk :[ but i got to have that today legitimately for the first time in many many many months. I really hope we keep up with the 2-week rule. Im not going to be annoying, dont worry, but i need you right now. I need a girl i can talk to so i can feel HUMAN, and not like some messed up reject who isnt aloud to make one mistake or everyone will turn on you. but now im projecting.




anyway.



i just wanted to say thank you. You all rose up and proved to me that you arent going to let me drown.



i could go on and on.



THANK YOU!

Monday, April 20, 2009

blurry lines

okay, so my last post sparked something in me that i wanted to blog about as well...



lines.


i know... weird.


but i hate how blurred moral lines have gotten, and how comfortable we CHRISTIANS are with standing in that blurred section.



no!!!



i dont want to take those risks of it maybe being right.



i want to just do whats right.



none of that "it depends" crap.



no


if something "depends" on whether or not its Godly, then well...


its not.


im sorry.


im happy to say, that i dont cuss, i am getting more modest now, and im having a lot more conviction about things like in myself, and in churches.


i never was a fan of like the stuck-up christians that are like *gasp!* you just were sarcastic! your going to hell!



but honestly, i think a LOT of people are getting it wrong.



yes God accepts you how you are, and he will always forgive you, etc.


but.


we are supposed to be a light.


even if some things may not be "technically wrong" if its wrong in non-believers eyes, then what kind of message are we putting across if we do things that they think are wrong, when we teach about living righteously.


hmm.


i like how im living now. its seriously SOOOO much better, and fresher, and cleaner, and not so mudded up from the simple small un-godly things i would do.

its also great because from these convictions shines light on other convictions and now im kind of like... cleansing myself a bit, and the more i get clean, the more i see how dirty it really was, and the more clean patches i have, the more i notice the additional dirty spots.


i make just teensy adjustments and now i feel so great!

im not saying im perfect now, no way! but i just love that i got rid of a few sins that i didnt really pay much attention to because i didnt think it really was "that bad"



but you cant say "that bad" without "bad"



i hate blurry lines.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I love Jesus, I hate satan.

Easy title, yeah. anyway


so today i was at parkway plaza eating, and well... i put my purse on the ground next to my chair while i was sitting at the food court, and i made a mental note (usually they work for me,) "do NOT forget this, because this is an easy situation to forget it"


well..


i forgot it.


and then i didnt realise it till like 20 (maybe 30) minutes later... so i go back to where i left it and i dont see it.


im like... devistated, and i feel like a complete idiot for forgetting it in the first place.


then i remember my liscence and my mom's ATM card is in there.


ouch.


so i go over to C28, and Ronnie gives me the number for the parkway plaza security office, and so i ask them if they had a purse in the lost and found, and they said they never got any purse drop-offs that day, so then i thank him and hang up the phone and seriously...

by now, im like... severrrely holding back tears because all from my stupid brain, all hell is going to break loose.


someone stole my purse, with my liscence and my mom's atm card, a lot of things in there that i cant get back, and i have to figure out how to make things right, so i was anticipating the hell ive caused, when this little girl...

she probably was like... 8? and she said (in C28 btw) "did you pray yet?" kind of like... jokingly, and i said "well, no actually..." suprised at her smartness, and then Ronnie said "well, lets pray then, right now..." and so me, Ronnie, the little girl, stand there while i say my desperate prayer to God.


when suddenly,



no joke. i say "Amen" and not like... 3 seconds pass before my phone rings and its the security office calling me asking me what my purse looked like, and i told them and they were like "alright, yeah, that sounds like it." and so i start just beeeeaaaming and ask them where the security office is, and they get my name so i can identify myself, etc.

so i walk to the office, kind of like... smiling/giggling as im walking there, because of how amazing this whole situation is.


so i get my purse back! nothing is missing in it, its all good! so i go back to C28, and the little girl is there still, and i thanked her, and that she was amazing, laughing/beaming as im talking, and every now and then slipping in a "Jeeesuuuuuus!!!! is amazing!!! haha!!"



so yeah.


that was an amazing experience!




but,


iiii haaaaate satan! so much! like... honestly, hes messing with my friends, and that is NOT cool.


i already hate it when he messes with me, when i have to call my brother to come in my room and pray with me because im all scared from stupid attacks.


but situations with my friends is happening more and more, and that just infuriates me.


I thank God that im not a strong person when it comes to fear because even though to me, my stuff is freeking SCARY, compared to some of my friend's attacks, is like... hardly anything.


and well, i cant watch scary movies, because i cant educate my mind so that satan can use a new face to scare me with.


and honestly, i thank God also, for my friends who know me, and understand that i cannot, CANNOT, see anything scary. not even like a hint of something, or i will be screwed up for months.




really, i think scary movies are wrong. I dont think that Jesus would go to a horror movie, or say "yeah im okay with that" about something so purely destructive.


i wish my friends understood that, but they all love scary movies and think that just because they arent haunted by anything, that they are fine, that they arent inviting satan into their minds, but whatever.



dont listen to the girl who has had spiritual attacks as long as she can remember.
dont listen to the girl who has gone to countless pastors to become more educated about the spiritual realm.

dont listen to the girl who has personal encounters with demons.


psh.

she knows nothing.

shes not interested at all to understand her issues.

shes just some goody goody christian girl that thinks waaaay too many things are wrong that are harmless.



im sorry but um...


wrong.


but im ranting.

sorry,

things like this bug me. when people dont go to as many measures as possible to not let satan in.


that they just like... live, like.. are neighbors with satan.


no.


dont be comfortable!


dont let it be the "norm" thats what he wants!


sldkfjldskjflsdkjf

sorry,


this just rattles my bones.


bleh.

did i really just say that?


idk.

rant, OVER.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Theory

I think i might have figured out why ive been getting sick so much this year...


i think its because ive been working myself a lot harder this year than any other year because im trying to graduate early.

so my body's like woah woah woah there... ive never done this much before, i cant handle all this extra work AND keep your immune system up and running...


so that might be why, so its only normal that i would get sick right NOW when i just started my 2 months of intense work before school is over...



so ive been sleeping a LOT the past couple of days...


but last night i got only like... 4 hours of sleep... bleh... so i just got home from church after leaving between services (making sure shea could take my place)


and hopefully everything works out...


but i left because i just reeeeally need sleeeeeeep




oh hey.


i have a twitter btw.


i think my sn is sunhearts but im not quite sure.

look me up.


i havent quite figured out how to get updates sent to my phone from other people, but i can send them out.


k.

happy easter :]

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Guess what...

Im sick again...


oh joy.


this is what the 7th time? gosh. ive lost count.


its weird because this time i have like.. a weird sickness..


i dont have a fever, yet i get freeeeezing really easily, and i also get burning hot really easily.


for the most part im freezing, but if i finally warm up, i dont stop warming up until im like... sweating to where i have to take off the blanket or jacket i was using to get warm, and then i get freezing again.


i cant be normal temperature!


and also, i have a cough.... i hate coughs.. bleh.


and the first 2 or 3 days of my sickness i had an excrutiating headache. and intense sinus pressure.


the first night i was sick (thursday night) i was beating myself over the head with my fist to try to make the pain go away (i know that hitting myself wont make pain go away, but knocking myself out will.) but my friend wouldnt let me, he would grab my wrists anytime i would try to hit myself.



bleh


and also, i was supposed to sing Lead Me To The Cross on Good Friday, but i had to tell Jason at like... noon that day that i couldnt sing it because i was sick, and well... i could sort of carry a tune on friday, but i had an intense cough where every 3 or 4 words of singing i would start coughing up a lung. so i figured i probably cant sing.


then today, we had a worship practice because we needed one today because our electric guitarist couldnt make it this thursday... and well i tried singing today, and well.. my voice was worse, not only did i have a cough, my voice was shakey and my head-voice was pretty much non-existant. so i dont know how tomorrow is going to turn out... i hope either my voice gets better, or we have some great alternative... but so far, im not very excited for easter.


also because we have to get to church at 6:30!!!! to do runthrough and sound-check, etc. and then go to the first main service at 8:00... and then have our own 2 services at 9:30 and 11:00....



i didnt ask for this! i didnt ask to go to first service, i didnt ask to get there at 6:30, i didnt ask for myself to have to get sick, i didnt ask for having the responsability to where i have to go to practices and services even though im sick.


bleh.


i feel like crap.

but, i went to this comedy theatre downtown to celebrate my brother's birthday (6 days late) and it was hilarious, but it sucked that i was sick because i couldnt shout out suggestions (it was an Improv comedy theatre called National Comedy Theatre) and it was really fun, and now everyone is over at my house and my mom is making spaghetti and were gonna have cake and all i wanna do is take a shower and go to bed and sleep till noon.

but people are over, so im hiding upstairs, wallowing in my sickness and sorrow for lack of sleep tomorrow, and anticipating the slowly growing headache that is occuring.


bleh.