Friday, January 30, 2009

Wholly yours

"Here i am, all of me. Finally, everything, wholly yours."

yeah i just wanted to let you guys know that im still there. im still at that place where God can have everything. i mean i still have wants, i still have preferences but theres nothing wrong with that. i mean... Jesus asked God if there was any other way than him dying, i mean obviously he preferred to live, he just wanted what God wants more than his own.

and that is where im at. I do want things, i very much desire things, but thats nothing compared to my want for what God wants for me. I mean, there are some things in my life that if God said "no more" to, then i would be crushed, i would be soooo sad, but i wouldnt hold onto it if i knew it was what God wanted. I would want to hold on, for sure! but i wouldnt because i believe God knows me better than i know myself, and if certain things need to change, then i guess thats the best thing for me to become who God wants me to be.

Friends, i pray that if you arent at this place yet, that you get there, or at least begin to move forward towards it.

and i hope for myself, that i can continue to be in this state of mind.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

You are my Joy

Yeah, so im like... feelin pretty amazing right now!!!

God is so good!

He is so smart! and amazing and i just... gahhh

i love Him so much!!!! I honestly, HONESTLY, am good with WHATEVER He has planned for me. I can truly pray "Your will be done" i know it sounds like a bunch of crap because like... yeah yeah i probably "believe" i can say it but i cant really say it,


i know the difference.

ive been striving to get to this point. ive been searching and trying, and ive heard many times from many people "you're as close with God as you want to be" and well... i believe it.

so if like... yesterday i didnt want to trust God, then i wont trust God. but today, i really truly want to, so i do.

its amazing!

it feels so good, and freeing, to just... have everything in your life in His hands. KNOWING that whatever He does with it, will be good, and just, and right, and amazing.

and the amazing part (all parts of this is amazing,) is that God loves me! so He will even be graceful, and give me blessings! which honestly i dont even need right now.

im honestly fine if God never blesses me again.

i want what He wants for me.

aaaaaah! im so excited!

i love it when my faith just like... jumps forward! yyeeeeeeee!

I HAVE MY STARFISH!!!! (no one except my small group, and people who have watched the Nooma video "Shells" will understand what that means)

if you listen to You Are My Joy by David Crowder, that is like... the song of my everything right now.

Monday, January 26, 2009

God wrote a song.

yeah. he wrote a song for me... quite a few years ago through Chris Martin.

its a little song called Fix You. (biggest understatement ever haha)


i cant even explain how EVERY SINGLE WORD in that song is like... mine.

if ever you want a little taste of empathy, a little taste of how i feel, listen to that song.

imagine God singing it to me. even though he doesnt need to "try" to fix me, he just can.

and the second part of the bridge where it says "tears stream down your face, i promise you i will learn from my mistakes" thats me singing to God. but all the rest is God to me.

oh and also the part "lights will guide you home and ignite your bones" instead of lights its just I. so "i will guide you home and ignite your bones"

maybe later tonight ill post the lyrics to Fix You.

not making any promises though.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I wrote a song!

Yeah... i didnt even like... go in my room with the mindset of "im gonna write a song about how i feel" i just went in my room to play the guitar, (in my mind i read guitar and it sounded in my head like gwee-tar) and played a song of mine to get it out of my system because it kind of applied to how i feel at the moment, and then i thought of a new line for a new song and got this envelope that was in my room from World Vision and wrote it down. and started to play a random chord progression, and then more words and a melody started flowing to my mind, and like... i dont know... it just came together piece by piece... i mean i struggled with some parts, but sometimes my mind just shuts off.

hah all in all, its pretty much finished, and the envelope is completely covered in slanted, sometimes up-side-down, jumbled lyrics that suprisingly i can interpret into where the song goes, and ink scratches of where i changed a word or re-arranged a phrase or two.... or... 10...

so yeah.

im excited...

the only thing is, this song kind of bares my soul a bit more than i would like...

like.... its REALLLLLLY how i feel.. like... the deepest core of me... like... pretty much diary in music form... so it may take me a bit to actually play it... and for my friends who have tried to get me to play my songs, you knowwwww how hard (almost impossible) it is to get me to play my songs... so this one is like... especially special to me... and like... i dont know... i dont think i could handle a critique just yet because it would be like... critiquing my soul pretty much... and that would hurt way too bad... especially right now, where im a bit.... wounded...


i will say,

its a song to God... about how i feel... theres a lot of questions in the lyrics... like...

the first line of the chorus, (just saying one line of the song is baring a lot of my soul already, so please be kind, if not lie.) is: "Is this the death of love for me?"

okay, now that im looking at the lyrics, theres only like... 3 questions in there, but still...

its sort of a... lost song... because honestly im in the dark right now with how things are going to turn out, so im asking questions. but i dont always feel the way that the song describes...

i mean... when im down, and dwelling on it, those are the thoughts in my head, but when im around people and trying to be good, then i think differently... so im not always like this, and there is part of the real me that actually thinks differently than this sad... me. but you probably have no idea what im talking about because you dont know what the song says.

i dont know.

but im excited for this song, because theres a part that im kind of fitting in, well... attempting to fit in, where theres like a bridge and the words sort of overlap a bit... and like.. the first ones are me, and the other ones are God (which would be sung by michael maybe? if i play it with phantom tollbooth) and like... one of the lines is (breathe summer, breathe.)

"Find me so my love can be true (my love is true)"

and then theres also an alternate chorus (possibly sung by michael?) that is of God's side. like... two of the lines (yes im going to reveal two,) that are kind of like... alternated for God is

instead of my
"Is this the death of love for me?" its "Is this the death of your love for Me?"
instead of my "I can wait, i have waited for love to come and find me."
"I can wait, I have waited, for you to seek and find Me."

i dont know...

i like it, because its like... real, true, feelings.

i hope i muster up the courage to actually play it for people someday, part of me actually enjoys people knowing the depths of my soul. theres so much i hold inside myself that when i let go and its all in the open its so refreshing.

my only concern is my lack of a creative vocal melody... i tried to make it as pleasing to the ear as possible, while not being repetitive, or completely all over the place, but im not sure if ive succeeded.

but man.

i feel good. maybe even like... better, like... a little healed...

ha. God is amazing.

Friday, January 23, 2009

this morning

okay, so heres how things go on days that happen to be January 23, 2009.

im going to include "last night" which was really the wee hours of the morning.

so im on the computer till like... 2ish, go downstairs, do the dishes, get ready for bed, etc. so i decide im just gonna read a little bit of Breaking Dawn (4th twilight book) and then go to sleep, well... i was stupid to think i would just read "a little bit" so i read like... 2 chapters... so i didnt get to actually being in my bed, trying to sleep, lights off, no reading, till like 4:00... yeah.. stupid of me.

i KNEW i was getting up at 10 this morning, but just read anyway... and then i wake up at 8:30 from a phone call about band practice today... so thats an hour and a half before my alarm was gonna go off... so i try and attempt sleep again but the way things work for me is if i go to bed late, and i wake up in the morning before im ready, i dont go back to sleep... so i layed in bed for like 15 minutes seeing if i was going to calm down enough to sleep again... decided im not going to, get up in hopes that i can take a nicer longer shower than planned since im awake anyway...

find out that my mom is already in the shower at the moment, so i cant take a shower... the way it works in my house is you have to wait at LEAST 20 minutes after someone takes a shower for the hot water to come back... and well, in this weather you need that hot water!

so shower attempt, fail.

so i get on the computer, ive got time to kill right? so i do things on myspace and facebook etc... and i am about done... i seriously was like... 30 seconds away from closing the windows and going downstairs, when the doorbell rings...

Oh, Joy....

now... in the mornings, i dont really look too hot... especially with 4 1/2 hours of sleep... im definetly not presentable, so my dad goes and gets the door and of coarse its his friend, so im not goin downstairs till they are out of sight and i can rush to my room...

AND, i realised that my dad's friend is here to fix something with our plumbing so i dont know if hes gonna turn the water off... so my hopes for ANY shower this morning, could be taken away.

so yeah

this is how things go in my house.

im hungry.

Twilight series

okay so im on like... the 500 and something page of the LAST book of the Twilight Saga called Breaking Dawn.

and honestly, im really bummed that im almost done (theres like 700 pages in this one) because i really dont know what im going to do now...

i mean, twilight has been taking up some of my precious time, but really...

im going to miss jumping into that world, having my mind and imagination run free in Forks, and La Push, WA. and where vampires and werewolves are real and have to hide their secret, and where theres supernatural gifts like mind reading, and seeing the future, and emotion-changing, and tracking, etc.

i think thats the part of me that wants more (like i said in my previous post) i think its just me wishing there was more to this life that i have yet to discover... i mean sure, theres the joys of marraige and having kids, but i already know about all that.

i want more

bleh okay, thats not what this post is about!

anyway, im sad im almost done, and that theres no more to be said about bella and edward, and jacob, and the whole cullen family, all that... i mean sure, stephenie meyer is writing Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from Edward's perspective, but still... no more advances in the actual STORY.... like... time-wise.

well, who knows, maybe there will be some other book i can get sucked into... after all, i got sucked into harry potter, and loved it, and then didnt even start reading twilight or even know anything about the story other than its a vampire book and everyone's in love with Edward, until last year....

so who knows, maybe sometime this year ill come across another series (hopefully in the making) that is amazing...

it sucks, cause i always come across a series AFTER the last book has been published... like sisterhood of the travelling pants.

4th one is done,


4th one is done,

i guess i was just a bit off with harry potter...

i got into it before i think the 6th was done and then read it, and then waited for the 7th, either that or it was just before the 7th...

but either way.

i need to go on a hunt for a new series to get into...


twilight has been effecting me so much!

its rediculous!

well, at least my imagination...

like... sometimes i feel like a vampire from twilight... not like im craving blood or anything... but like... im pale. (really pale!) and sometimes i distance myself from people, and my eyes change and are all crazy, haha im pathetic.

but still

i really need to get into another series.


im very discontent... well... actually i dont know what i am,

because im content.

im not... unhappy, i just want more. i want, adventure, i want spontaneous fun things hah, i want to be independant

every word im saying, im struggling to actually get out... because im very... unsure.

i dont know... im trying to actually blog for the first time in a while, and maybe im not flexible enough.


every adjective i use makes me want to just erase the whole thing and start over...

if i were writing on paper i would have crossed out SO much, but instead im just leaving it on the blog.

like... i want to say things, but my words arent expressing enough.


i want more.

i want to get a move on my future.

i want more understanding.


i just...


independant is probably the best word i could use right now, because that covers a majority of what i want.

i want to be 18 at least, i want to be out of the house, on my own, to be the leader of myself, to not be so tied down. i want to be able to just... arrange a party, or go and drive to mt. helix for no reason without having to consult (is that a word?) my parents first... i want to start... i dont know... i just want to START already.


my mind hasnt been working lately.

i need.... something... to... clear it somehow...

i cant tell you how long its taking to get just simple words out...

thats why i keep putting ... after things, to demonstrate how....... difficult.. it is for me to be talking right now.... i dont know... i feel like something is going wrong in my head, and i dont quite understand it, but i think i need to draw.... again... gah

i need clarity more than before!

its weird, because now im like... in connection with God and like, i hear him on a regular basis and im loving it, and hes coming in like... pretty clear, but now the rest of my mind isnt working.

maybe i just need sleep?

i have no idea.


i guess um...

pray for me?

for clarity?

and.... guidance? i keep asking for that, and i know i already have as much guidance as i need right now, but i guess i want.... assurance? or peace-of-mind? that my future wont be just me goin to grossmont for no reason, moving out just cause its convenient, having a general 9-5 job, hangin with people, and growing old, and then eventually dying...

i mean, nothing wrong with that.

its just so GENERAL.

its so.... bland to me.

i want more

i want amazing.

i want to travel, i want a career, i want crazy magical love haha that i cant even imagine, i want intense spirituality...

ooooh i just got this amazing picture in my head.

i want to live SO MUCH that when i die, its like my life is finally going to sleep... resting in peace.

because like... i want to be awake, and alive, and moving, and living, and having fun, to the point where when im finally reaching the end of my life (the end of my "day") that im tired, and happy, and satisfied, and die (go to "sleep" or "bed")

thats what i want.

i know that what im about to say is EXTREMELY cliche, and overused, and everyone wants this (which discourages me a ton,) but,

i want to LIVE!


enough of my rant.

i just... reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyy dont want to settle

thats like... the core of my everything, and ive never really realised that until now, but...

in ALL that i do,

i DONT want to settle

i dont want to settle in a job, future husband, career, future house, car... any of my choices.

when i settle down, i dont want to "settle down" i want to like... amazing-down.... haha.

blahhh okay

no more rant



Thursday, January 15, 2009

Home Alone

i like being home alone because i can be as loud as i want and play music and just walk around not having to be decent all the time haha.

and well... im FINALLY home alone (my dad literally just walked out the door) and well... i have to get ready for worship practice now...


so i cant enjoy it.

i have to do my normal getting ready routine and not be able to play music as loud as i want.

well you know what

who cares

im gonna get ready at lightning speed and then play like... one soul-filled song on the piano..

i want to get at least a bit of my urge released....

i love playing my heart and soul out on the piano and singing.

so amazing!

k i dont have time to blog anymore



i never posted the actual link...

i posted ABOUT the link, (sort of) and even saying "heres the link" but never did it. (haha)

so here it ACTUALLY is.

if your typing it in.. dont forget the M between summer, and valentine... otherwhise you will get me, but an old account i cant get into anymore because im a very forgetful person... and for some reason made the account name and password weird.

and btw, i am still doing the 365 thing, i know i only have 5 pics up, but the actual uploading and editing process is annoying, and like i said in the previous post, i havent had time to waste on the computer lately.

but i do enjoy taking pictures, and i do enjoy editing them...

but actually going on the computer, is the difficult and annoying part.


Okay, so ive been neglecting my computer lately, which im actually suprised about... because usually i have NOTHING to do, and that would be on days when i would wake up at like 1:00, go on the computer, watch tv, do nothing, and have no fun....

but lately, ive been waking up around 10 everyday, instantly doing my school, cleaning my room a bit (which its almost completely spotless!!!! just laundry and fine tuning left!), and doing my morning rituals, and then im off to do something fun.... its weird... i actually dont have TIME to waste on the computer... hence the AM post...

but i just wanted to update.

life and God has been wayyyyyyyy amazing lately... like... almost TOO amazing... im a little bit afraid of the decline that my rollercoasters gonna go on... because i know eventually someday im going to have one, and it always is going to be steeper each time... (both the ups and the downs) and well... i just wondering if this is purely a blessing, or am i going to be enduring something extreme? i dont know..

thats just the pessimist inside...

but like i said, life has been amazing.... God is being so good to me, im trying to figure out what i did to even remotely deserve all hes doing...

im so genuinely happy! im so connected to God!!! i love it! im being productive everyday, im actually doing my schoolwork!

and (this subject deserves its own paragraph), im graduating early! i mean i know this was already decided, but i mean... im actually doing it! its actually happening! i mean, im getting closer! its not like... vanishing before my eyes, its really coming!

at 4:30 on June 12th i will no longer be a highschool student!!!!!!!!!

oh my gosh!!!! thats crazy... i cant even imagine it!

i feel like im going to eternally be 16, in highschool, (i still barely believe i have my own car,) and never grow.... i dont know... my mind's just weird i guess? i dont know...

God is so good... im so confident in Him right now!

i love that im praising him in the good, actually seeking him in the good, and not just in the bad when im hurting and need solution... i dont know...

and I love that i know that his plan is happening in my life right now... like... HE is the one doing things in my life.. not just random coencidences... like.. hes actually stringing things together and working in my life... i dont know... i just love how happy i feel that he is about my life right now...

i posted a blog earlier about how the following day my life was supposedly going to "change" and the rest of my life was going to "start"....

i figured out what it is...

and i cant quite say until later, but im just updating for now.

life's good,
me and my relationship with God is good,
school is good (stressful and life-sucking, but good)
and i love being busy.

i love not having time to waste....

im LIVING right now....

this year has started out great so far! im excited for the even better things to happen... like special events! like spring formal, OGN, my birthday, graduating, (im not going in order at ALL) g-mont classes starting up, g-mont classes ending, spring break, summer break, etc.


i dont know what i did to recieve this amount of blessing, but i am. and i love how God-filled it is! my gosh!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

365 pt. 2

heres my link to my flickr thing so you can view my pictures.

i still have yet to upload yesterdays and todays, but they will be up sometime tomorrow? im uploading the pictures to my computer right now. but its taking forever because i have like 500 others to upload today too (i had a photo frenzy at the santee lakes today)so i will edit them and such tomorrow. which brings me to another point.

today was amazing

and i mean... AMAZING

ive never been to the lakes before, or SD river or whatever, and well... it was amazing, and beautiful, and just walking around along the side of the river finding open fields of grass or clovers, and trees everywhere, and little pond things everywhere... it was amazing.

im definitely going back there frequently....

and also, the past couple of weeks ive been feeling very.... loved.... i wont elaborate, but definitely very loved...

and very close to God too... i prayed for constant connection for this year, and so far im getting it.

and God has been working in some interesting ways so far this year, and im loving it. Im loving life right now... the ups and downs so far, i think whats making it so good is the connection with God, and the confidence ive been having in God.

im excited for things to come.

i need to buy paint. :]

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


seth reminded me...

i wanted to do the 365 day challenge thingy this year.

im off to a week-late start.

but whatever,

im gonna do it anyway.

(its a 365 day challenge, where you have to take a picture of yourself everyday for a year....)

im excited to see how it turns out.

i even updated my flickr to be prepared.

im starting tomorrow.

oh hey seth,

send me a link to that one thing with like... a bunch of people that have done or are doing it. that one thing you talked about tonight.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

hardcore show

so this friday i went to another, this is like... the 3rd? in a whiiiiile. and well, the pit sucked in the beginning because seriously like, no one knew how to dance. they just were swinging their arms back almost hitting people, being jerks, either that or just not even dancing and just like... standing dumbfounded in the middle of the pit. it was rediculous. i wasnt dancing because well, i wasnt digging some of the bands, but honestly, get out of the pit if your not gonna dance...

it just bugs me.

me and spencer have decided that were kind of becoming hardcore kids a bit again... (we both were back in the day,) its interesting. suuuper fun though!

i saw a ton of people i hadnt seen in a REALLY LONG TIME.

one of which kind of depressed me though because the last time i saw them was at a funeral. and so remembering that was sad, but seeing them was AWESOME! i almost cried hah.

but... the last band! tragedy and triumph was like... the best band...

they arent THE BEST BAND, but of the night, they were.

they started off their set with playing the rap song Swing- by Savage. (bad song, dirty, but still so good.) and so like... when they blasssssted that song (they didnt cover it, they played the recording) i pulled spencer up (he was sitting) and everyone was all dancing all ghetto which was RAD because i LOVE LOVE LOVE ghetto dancing at hardcore shows. i dont know why, but i love it! and so it was extra rad seeing a ton of other people doing it too... and then they cut off the song/started a hardcore song in the same key of Swing, and it was so rad! and i went in the pit and danced, and so it was fuuun. and i had been neeeeeeeeeding to go in the pit like.... SUPER bad because i was probably the most angry i have ever been, at least in a really long time... so i needed to get that anger out and well, hardcore dancing helps.


i danced a bit too hard, so i didnt realise it until i STOPPED dancing, but i couldnt breathe, so i like... walked out of the pit and signed to spencer that im going to sit down and i walked behind everyone and like leaned on the wall and sat down, and tried to catch my breath, which was REALLY hard, and i had the worst side-ache ive ever had, and so i went outside to get some air and drank water, and was like... rediculously lightheaded, hah i just realised that day i had warned spencer that i might pass out because i felt lightheaded all day, so its funny because i wasnt legitimately warning him, but turns out i almost did, hah.

but then i tried to breathe, couldnt, so we left.

fun fun fun night.

i wasnt expecting ANY of the people i saw to be there, except one, just because i knew he was in one of the bands that was there. but still even then, i kind of was half not expecting to see him just because, i dont know....

good night.

angry night.

but still good.