Friday, January 23, 2009

discontent

im very discontent... well... actually i dont know what i am,

because im content.

im not... unhappy, i just want more. i want, adventure, i want spontaneous fun things hah, i want to be independant


every word im saying, im struggling to actually get out... because im very... unsure.


i dont know... im trying to actually blog for the first time in a while, and maybe im not flexible enough.


gahhh


every adjective i use makes me want to just erase the whole thing and start over...


if i were writing on paper i would have crossed out SO much, but instead im just leaving it on the blog.


like... i want to say things, but my words arent expressing enough.


blahhhhhh


i want more.



i want to get a move on my future.


i want more understanding.


gah


i just...


waaaaannnttt!!!



independant is probably the best word i could use right now, because that covers a majority of what i want.


i want to be 18 at least, i want to be out of the house, on my own, to be the leader of myself, to not be so tied down. i want to be able to just... arrange a party, or go and drive to mt. helix for no reason without having to consult (is that a word?) my parents first... i want to start... i dont know... i just want to START already.


gah


my mind hasnt been working lately.


i need.... something... to... clear it somehow...


i cant tell you how long its taking to get just simple words out...


thats why i keep putting ... after things, to demonstrate how....... difficult.. it is for me to be talking right now.... i dont know... i feel like something is going wrong in my head, and i dont quite understand it, but i think i need to draw.... again... gah


i need clarity more than before!


its weird, because now im like... in connection with God and like, i hear him on a regular basis and im loving it, and hes coming in like... pretty clear, but now the rest of my mind isnt working.


maybe i just need sleep?


i have no idea.


blah


i guess um...


pray for me?


for clarity?


and.... guidance? i keep asking for that, and i know i already have as much guidance as i need right now, but i guess i want.... assurance? or peace-of-mind? that my future wont be just me goin to grossmont for no reason, moving out just cause its convenient, having a general 9-5 job, hangin with people, and growing old, and then eventually dying...

i mean, nothing wrong with that.


its just so GENERAL.

its so.... bland to me.

i want more


i want amazing.


i want to travel, i want a career, i want crazy magical love haha that i cant even imagine, i want intense spirituality...


ooooh i just got this amazing picture in my head.


i want to live SO MUCH that when i die, its like my life is finally going to sleep... resting in peace.


because like... i want to be awake, and alive, and moving, and living, and having fun, to the point where when im finally reaching the end of my life (the end of my "day") that im tired, and happy, and satisfied, and die (go to "sleep" or "bed")


thats what i want.


i know that what im about to say is EXTREMELY cliche, and overused, and everyone wants this (which discourages me a ton,) but,


i want to LIVE!


okay,


enough of my rant.


i just... reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyy dont want to settle


thats like... the core of my everything, and ive never really realised that until now, but...


in ALL that i do,

i DONT want to settle



i dont want to settle in a job, future husband, career, future house, car... any of my choices.


when i settle down, i dont want to "settle down" i want to like... amazing-down.... haha.


blahhh okay

no more rant

done

finished

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