Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mental Mechanic?

So ive had two mental breakdowns in two days...


one last night, after i blogged about the "weird" feeling, where i was laying on my bed crying and talking to who knows what... maybe God? maybe my walls? maybe i was coping with the fact that my friend didnt answer when i called them? i have no clue.


but then i got over it... after i called them again and they answered and i talked to them about it and started feeling better.


and then another today.


i was even WITH the same person at like... 5:30 today, and then i just like...


went insane.

I started getting really like fidgety and uncomfortable... like... i was getting pumped with adrenaline but was forced to stay still, and i was starting to have like... a panic attack and a ton of anxiety. and then the sensitivity just like... crashed on me like a huuuuge wave. I started crying about every little thing! like not like my friend would say something and then i would be all pathetic and be like "why would you say that?? *sniff* waaaaaa!" not like that.


it would be like... something that usually would be kind of like an "aw, that sucks." turned into like a full on depression to where im like sitting there, leaking tears.


while they were on the phone (arranging for tuesday group to not be at my house because i didnt want to go home quite yet because of my depressed state,) i curled up in a ball and started like full on bawling like... chest heaving, gasping for air, sniffles galore, it was crazy!


and like... i got myself in a vicious cycle because i would cry over something little, and then i would start bawling because i felt like i was going insane because i have NO idea why the heck this is happening to me (the crazy sensitivity thing)



and i also would feel really bad for this sudden flash of a crazy girl that my friend now had to deal with and nurture. so i would apologize and then cry, i think you get the picture.


but it was so weird! and what was also weird was how it went away.


i went back to normal...


kind of around the same amount of time as the last time.


i really hope this isnt going to be a pattern... to where people are like.. "oh dang, summer's gettin sensitive... leave her alone for about an hour, she'll turn around"


because i really dont like being depressed and crying for no reason.



and just so you know (hopefully this isnt TMI) this has nothing to do with girl time. which would usually be my excuse. but this is worse!



im just like... an intense body of pure emotion when im in that state.


I wonder if im becoming bipolar?

it is heretitary (i dont know how to spell that)



but i dont know if it can just all of the sudden come on you like that...



because like... i dont know.


i just dont get it.



pray for me please. i want to know whats going on!

Monday, March 30, 2009

weird.

Im feelin kind of funky.


both physically and mentally...

for some reason i feel like its like... preperation for something in the future thats gonna hit me hard.


i dont know..



im feelin really.... sensitive.


like a ticking bomb getting to its last few seconds.


im a bit afraid.



hmm...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Phantom Tollbooth (the story)

Im watching the movie on Youtube!!!


ive been trying to find the DVD forever, and well..


youtube is acceptable to me, so im watching it right now! im excited :] ive already read the book.


i feel like im really in the band now hah.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

haircut

tomorrow. (or well... in like 10 hours)



yay :]


im excited. i love getting my hair cut!



if i could i would have my hair grow out enough everyday that i could get it cut everyday and i wont run out of hair.


i just love the way it feels after. all freshly cut, and healthy, and new.

yay.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

seriously!!! SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!

I am so pissed off right now, i am actually huffing and puffing, and my hands are shaking with rage.




So i go outside to look at the canyon with its new growth and new flowers blooming... to see how beautiful it is.


and what do i see??!?



a truck. in the canyon.


and 4 guys cutting down... EVERYTHING.


theres 3 guys weed wacking away all of the flowers,


one guy with some tool i couldnt see just hacking at a tree.



are you freeking KIDDING ME?!?!




Why the hell does the new owner need to cut down everything?!? he hasnt done anything towards making the stupid office buildings and now when flowers start to bloom ohhhh nooo... that cant happen.


we cant let nature do what its supposed to... no...


i gotta make my man-made office buildings and parking lots and take away all of the trees and bushes and make all of the animals that live in them have to find some place else to go... and im gonna be mean and cut down a rope swing from a tree... but im just gonna leave the tree there.





im so angry!


this is not right!


when i look over at the el cajon valley, i dont look and be like "ohh look how beautiful those parking lots are!" or "Wow that trailer park looks so serene"


no


its the trees! the mountains! the NATURE that makes a view beautiful.



sure at night a view is beautiful from lights, but when i think its beautiful its not because theres buildings there, its because theres LIFE there. theres HUMANITY there...



how on earth could the old owner be such a sell-out!



i wanna go and find this guy and punch him in the face.



i hate this!


gah!


i seriously want to make a petition and ban this guy from doing this.


before, anytime something in the neighborhood would change, everyone got a letter. and we got to argue whether or not we agree with the idea.


but this one was all secretive.


all of the sudden just random "no tresspassing" gates were put up, and trees were chopped down, and bushes vanished.



i never thought i would have such a passion for a canyon, but honestly...


this just isnt sitting right with me... its making me uneasy, its unsettling.


i dont like this.

backyard

Ive been kind of stuck in a routine lately... i mean thats okay, because im getting what needs to be done, done. but im wasting all the rest of the time that i have to be spontaneous, by sleeping or watching tv. this morning i got up, had breakfast at my table (something i never do,) read a little of my book for homework (im reading ahead because i like the book) and i looked outside at the BEAUTIFUL day it is today, and i realised...


I cant remember the last time i went in my backyard.

I gotta admit, i do have a good backyard. we have an ammmaaaazing view that im so blessed to have been able to grow up with. but i havent been out there.

i looked outside and saw the the canyon is starting to bloom again, and i started freaking out! i wanted to get my camera and run to the edge of my yard and snap all the photos i could...


i wanted to see what it looks like now that the stupid new owner cut down everything... now that everything is completely new growth.


i think im going to get ready for school, and then spend the rest of the time that i have before i need to leave, just standing at the edge of my yard looking out at my canyon, and el cajon valley.





just now, i stopped to stare at the view (we have an illegal amount of windows in my house... no joke... illegal. when we were adding a second floor to our house and the inspector had to make sure everything was right, we had to put up a plastic sheet so he couldnt see the additional windows.)

so i stopped and stared (stupid song took the meaning away from the term) and i noticed that birds were chirping... like... a lot... and it reminded me of when i was little... because those same exact kind of birds have lived in my neighborhood all my life. now all i need to hear is the dove noises and that would be the sound i woke up to every morning.



i really take for granted how nice my backyard is...


i just imagined taking my backyard and placing it on someone elses house... and then going there for the first time, i would freak out!


but since ive grown up with mine, and know the history of it and how it came to be the way it is now, its kind of taken away the amazingness of it.

im gonna go get ready and then go in my backyard.

:]

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Hates, dont care's, loves.

So today in Encounter Brian was talking about Apathy, and he had us shout out things we hate, dont care about, and love... and through that, some hates, and loves, and dont-care-about's rose to the surface hah.



so heres some random things i thought of today.


HATES:
- Spray-on tans... tanning booths however, are acceptable because thats your own skin changing color... not you getting painted, its just directed UV rays.

- When the prongs on a plug in are 1: bent so you have to shove it in the socket or bend them before plugging, and 2: when they are 2 seperate sizes or 3 prong... i know i know, just about every single plug is 2 seperate sizes... but what i hate more that seperate sized prongs, is...

- Same-sized sockets... because honestly... what the heck! you can only put in a few plugs and thats it! what gives! grrr it makes me mad! this hatred surfaces every christmas when putting up lights.

-People blowing their nose in public or taking out a hanky of any kind. disposable tissue, by yourself, in your house or something, thats the way to go.

-Hanky of any kind, in general. ew!

- Dirty fingernails, espeecccccially on myself. i go crazy when im like somehow in dirt or something and then like one fingernail gets a bit dirty.. ahh go crazy!

- When a seatbelt (especially in my car) is not all the way sucked inside its little compartment... and when has so much slack that you shut it in the door!?!?!?! oh my gosh...

- Getting smacked in the face.... now i know this one is kind of a "duh" type thing... who is like "oooh!! smack me in the face! pleeeease! ive been craving it!" its like um... no weirdo... but seriously... i actually put that on my "perfect guy list" i said "will never ever under any circumstances, smack me in the face" because seriously, i never hate people... i just cant do it... but honestly, when someone smacks me in the face, all i want to do for a whole lonnnng second after they smack me, is strangle that person, kick them in the balls, or smack them over the head with a lamp or something... i seriously turn extremely hostile for a second after getting smacked in the face... so yeah. um... dont smack me in the face... ever... even lightly, or just playing, no. never. ever ever ever ever ever.

also,

- Handle brakes on bikes. hate'm



DONT-CARE-ABOUT'S:
(Brian brought this up) - Lawns... i do not care at ALL about lawns. my lawn, my future lawn, other people's lawns, mowing it, i dont care. i dont see why its such a great idea to have plants growing out of the ground that you cut down to like 2 inch stubs all the time, and walk all over it, play games all over it, and actually take pride in it?!? whaaaaaat?!? i dont get it when people compete about lawns... i do not care! i dont even want to type any more about lawns i dont care about them so much.

- Skateboard helmets.

- Cliches. i dont care if its cliche (or "everyone's doing it"), or even totally original, it doesnt effect my choices or opinion of it, which is how i got into the Jonas Brothers, and not into Taylor Swift. how i got into myspace and not twitter. how i obsessed over Michael Phelps and not David Beckham. and how for the longest time i was convinced that i didnt like Fernandos, until i tried it again, and loved it.

- Awkward topics of discussion. doesnt bother me. sometimes if im like talking about it and the conversation is staying on one awkward topic for the lonnnnngest tiiimmme sometimes i say okay, lets change the subject, but it doesnt really bother me.

- Horoscopes

- Zodiac crap.

- being girly. or "lady-like". thats almost on the hate side... but i do like looking cute and getting dressed up, but i dont care about NOT being girly. sometimes i want to just play football, and blow stuff up, and shoot things, and see how high i can jump off of things.



LOVES:

- a good pair of high-heeled boots

- the cello. both playing and hearing it. one of my favorite instruments for sure.

- being in water somehow (whether in a pool, jacuzzi, lake, etc.)

- being bare-footed. i hate wearing shoes (too lazy to put that in the hate list.) BUT i used-to/am getting over freaking out when i have to take off my shoes in front of people.

- when cats meow a LOT and nuzzle your hand when they want you to pet them more (same with dogs, except not them barking)

- driving.

- pillows

- dying hair/styling hair.

- pretty much giving make-overs. (styling hair and doing make-up and helping them buy clothes/giving my opinion on what they are trying on)

- writing cute notes to people.

- painting/drawing.

- being technical about a lot of things. (clothes, music, paintings, tv shows, productions, jokes, people, etc.) but only sometimes... other times i just accept clothes how they are, just listen to music, just look at the painting and appreciate it, just be entertained by tv shows, etc.





now just to let you know, i do love God, i do love Worship, Encounter, Fellowship, etc. but this is just a fun little thing

i dont know what to title this

Im so over this whole "being sick" deal...


today was the 2 week anniversary of me being sick, and well.. im done!!!! im so over it!


these sniffles and the stupid fact that my voice is pitchy all over the place.. ugh


bugs me!


and everytime that i lay down i get a stuffy nose.


and im constantly coughing and its just really lame.



laaaaaaaaame!



oh and just a side note.



I wish that God could be like... in the flesh again... but actually in the flesh... not like... Jesus, i mean that would be awesome! but im not sure if Jesus knew the future of everyone and everything quite as much as God... ya know... but who knows.. maybe he did.


anyway.


i wish he could be in the flesh so i could ask him a few questions about what i should do in a certain situation, that way he can tell me what to do... rather than me hearing just a little whisper hint of what i should do, and then me not quite knowing if it was me thinking that or if it actually was God.


blahhh


this sickness is bugging me.


im gonna take a shower and hopefully flush out all the stupid in my system.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Look-a-like

so today i went to Buffalo Exchange in hillcrest and went to the starbucks there and the cashier/barista guy told me i looked like Claire Danes... and well... i didnt know the name, but then he explained who she was and well... i knew who she was but couldnt remember what she looks like... so i looked her up on google just now, and well... i kinda see it just a liiiiiiiiiiiittle bit, but not enough to say "you look like her" and it seemed like he really thought i looked A LOT like her...








im just gonna ignore what shes doing in the picture where shes older because i hope shes not doing what it looks like shes doing, but whatever...


people have also said all my life that ive looked like the olsen twins.. which now... they look like ducks, but before when i was a baby i looked JUST LIKE them when they were babies (like on full house)...






michelle tanner...







i dont know... maybe im like... a mix of both? maybe not at all? i have no idea.


oh and just to compare to the others...


this is me.






the B&W one is like... almost 3 years old, but is more how i look when im not squinting in the sun or smiling. but i do look a bit different than that now, cause im older... but i think it looks somewhat like the Ashley Olsen picture, but i think thats just my expression.





what do you think?


are there any other people i look like? i almost never get look-a-like comments, but when i do they are weird...



like this one guy always says i look like sheryl crow every time i see him... sometimes he calls me sheryl crow too... but i think not! what is up with all these blonde-haired comparisons? maybe i should go blonde...





.....um....no

Thursday, March 5, 2009

correction.

i remember what gels are.


and now i feel stupid.


they are the colored lights that we have in Encounter that you can switch out the little plastic color things.

yeah.... i didnt know they were called that.

Photography

lately ive been very interested in it. not so much actually taking the pictures themselves because well... my camera is broken...


but interested in learning about it.


i want to take some photography courses with digital editing and just like... know how things are done. i dont care if after the courses im an amazing photographer because i know the rules, but i just want to know how it works.


i want to know what good products are. for the longest time i didnt know what a strobist was, or bokeh, or any of that, until flickr haha.


now im very interested in investing in lighting... like umbrella lighting.



and also in editing...


what the heck is HDR? and why do people love it so much? why do people hate it so much?



what are good cameras? i never knew how crappy just general point and shoot myspace pictures really are until flickr.



people are doing their 365 and are going all out.


like...


driving wayyyy far, bringing a ton of lighting gear, having a perfect shot in mind, going out like... in the middle of nowhere, posing, taking it.


then go back home and edit it for hours, and THAT is what you do for your 365?!?


holy crap! thats intense!



and the fact that the shot is AAAAMAAAAZZINNNGGGG and like.. mind blowing...


i mean.. wow.



i just wanna know... like i see comments on amazing pictures where people would say "the lighting on figure 2 is not how i would have done it, try having the umbrella just a tad higher" and im like looking at the seemingly flawless picture in awe and just like... what?!? you would CHANGE IT?!? this person just like, poops out amazing pictures easily and i wouldnt be able to do that, no way. i wanna see where things become technical. where i know how to do it, where maybe even i learn how to make pictures that un-educated people freak out about.



photography amazes me.



i really want to invest in learning about it, and getting a better camera, and lighting equipment, and a better editing program than just plain old photoshop.




Seth taught me about Bokeh by the way... its when in a picture lights are in circles rather than just blurred shapes of whatever the light is... not a good description but whatever...


Seth...


do you have any additional knowledge i should know about? like what other lighting things could blow my mind? like... what are gels?

Grad Night

Just found out the date for the HCS grad night.


MY BIRTHDAY!!!


well...



it starts on June 10th, but thats only for like... an hour and 15 minutes, so the other like... 5 hours are on my birthday! (incase you didnt do the math, its June 11th)




and well, im in just a weeeeee bit of a predicament.



me and my friend were waiting and waiting to find out when my school's grad night was to see if we were going on the same day because well... we really want to...



well... it isnt.... their grad night is June 4th. :[



AND


their school is doing an extra thing with gradnight (its at disneyland btw.) where they open up California Adventure for 2 hours before as well.... so instead of having 6 hours of fun, you get i think 8 hours? or maybe its just that 2 hours of the 6 you have the option of going to california adventure? im not sure.



but...


me and my friend are still trying to go together... by being a guest. so im not sure which one should happen.... my school? or theirs? (if possible..)


because well...


grad night on my BIRTHDAY will be sa-weeeeet! but grad night + california adventure? also sweet!




but.... the issue with my friend's school is, they would be the only one i know going....


but with my school i would know a bunch of people, and it would be on my birthday hah.




if i had a job, i would go to both....



but i dont.



maybe one could be a birthday present, and one could be a grad present? that would be cool...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Are you serious!?!

Im sick.... AGAIN!!!! seriously i must have gotten some immune-deficient disease this past year because i hardly EVER would get sick... but then between october and now ive been sick like 5 or 6 times....



thats a lot for me!



i would usually go like 5 or 6 months without getting one sore throat...



i guess i still have a good immune system even though im getting sick more, because i completely skipped the stomach flu that was passing around and honestly...


i should have gotten it how much i was exposed to it.


my brother got it, a friend that i hang out with frequently got it, their family got it, all of my friends around me were sick with some sort of thing and i didnt get nothin except some sympathy nausea for the ones with the stomach flu



i have been taking better care of myself though.


this may be a short little illness, but this morning it sure as heck didnt feel like it.


i was in sooooo muuuuuch paaaaain...


i woke up groaning in pain and feeling really heavy/weak and i would get the shakes and tear up a little bit cause i was hurting so bad. but it faded a bit so i got ready for church and left, even though i really was about to just stay home but i couldnt cause i didnt have anyone to step in for me today. finally the pain stopped though at church but that might be because i took ibuprofin, and i guess its a good thing i went to church because i feel better when im out and about than in bed all day. when im in bed all day i feel like crap and my sickness is just surrounding me, but when im out i can just walk around and act completely fine and then i forget im even sick until i have to sniffle or cough or sneeze or something.


gah.


lame.


oh but.


maybe


maaaaaaybe i might be able to go to disneyland this sunday.... if im able to fulfill responsabilities, or something...



but im excited

because ill be able to go for $51 dollars because its "deaf day" at disneyland and so since im an ASL student i can go!


yeeeuh!


i hope i can goooooooooo! and also, if i do go, it will be with friends, and not my family. and that will be for the first time in my life being in disneyland without some member of my family there.


slkdfjlsdkjflskdjf okay but anyway,


yeah im sick


bleh.

This really means That.

Yeah i took my title from the intro to Sex God.


i really wish some things were more what they seem.


well... more like...


i really wish people would say more what they mean, or what their intentions are so that you know how to react appropriately and not say the wrong things to make them think untrue things about you or the situation.



just sayin...