Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mental Mechanic?

So ive had two mental breakdowns in two days...

one last night, after i blogged about the "weird" feeling, where i was laying on my bed crying and talking to who knows what... maybe God? maybe my walls? maybe i was coping with the fact that my friend didnt answer when i called them? i have no clue.

but then i got over it... after i called them again and they answered and i talked to them about it and started feeling better.

and then another today.

i was even WITH the same person at like... 5:30 today, and then i just like...

went insane.

I started getting really like fidgety and uncomfortable... like... i was getting pumped with adrenaline but was forced to stay still, and i was starting to have like... a panic attack and a ton of anxiety. and then the sensitivity just like... crashed on me like a huuuuge wave. I started crying about every little thing! like not like my friend would say something and then i would be all pathetic and be like "why would you say that?? *sniff* waaaaaa!" not like that.

it would be like... something that usually would be kind of like an "aw, that sucks." turned into like a full on depression to where im like sitting there, leaking tears.

while they were on the phone (arranging for tuesday group to not be at my house because i didnt want to go home quite yet because of my depressed state,) i curled up in a ball and started like full on bawling like... chest heaving, gasping for air, sniffles galore, it was crazy!

and like... i got myself in a vicious cycle because i would cry over something little, and then i would start bawling because i felt like i was going insane because i have NO idea why the heck this is happening to me (the crazy sensitivity thing)

and i also would feel really bad for this sudden flash of a crazy girl that my friend now had to deal with and nurture. so i would apologize and then cry, i think you get the picture.

but it was so weird! and what was also weird was how it went away.

i went back to normal...

kind of around the same amount of time as the last time.

i really hope this isnt going to be a pattern... to where people are like.. "oh dang, summer's gettin sensitive... leave her alone for about an hour, she'll turn around"

because i really dont like being depressed and crying for no reason.

and just so you know (hopefully this isnt TMI) this has nothing to do with girl time. which would usually be my excuse. but this is worse!

im just like... an intense body of pure emotion when im in that state.

I wonder if im becoming bipolar?

it is heretitary (i dont know how to spell that)

but i dont know if it can just all of the sudden come on you like that...

because like... i dont know.

i just dont get it.

pray for me please. i want to know whats going on!

1 comment:

Doug McKee said...

Panic Attacks are a neuro-chemical cascade that comes from anxiety. They can last up to 20 minutes during which time you think you will die.
Not to worry, you won't. You can interrupt the cycle by changing your thoughts to anything else to stop it.
Is it easy? For some yes, and others no.
When you first start feeling like one is coming, STOP and breathe, yoga style for two minutes.
After it passes, reflect on what you were thinking just before you felt it starting.
Douglas McKee
"The Mental Mechanic"