Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Life update.

I know i just wrote a thank you thing, and so i should be feeling happy, because usually when you're thanking someone you are grateful which makes you in turn, happy.


i just need to vaguely update you on my life right now.

i have nowhere to turn, i have nowhere to escape the drama that is consuming my life as of right now.

everywhere. EVERYWHERE i go. no matter what. it is there. somehow, some reminder, some person is there to make me feel like crap.

i made a wrong move, and i cant tell you how much i think about it EVERY DAY. because of it, my life is downspiraling and im struggling so much to slow the process, to try to keep my head above water. Friends are turning on me, i beat myself up about it constantly, its never out of my head, im chained down with guilt and shame, im being blamed for things i didnt do, im being judged and looked down on as a "bad friend" for things that were out of my control, people are jumping to conclusions about me about a misunderstanding that they refuse to test as truth or not, im becoming more and more depressed about something that should be over and done with by now.

i cant get away from it. no matter where i go, no matter what sanctuary i find, it is interrupted. no matter what escape i go to, it is barged in on and stolen from me. please just leave me alone! let me have my sanctuary! I shouldnt be feeling this bad! I shouldnt be beating myself up so much!

I cant forgive myself. i cant stand hurting someone, it KILLS me. im deteriorating on the inside and everyone is leaving me so im left with only few who can try to mend me.

You wanna know why its so easy for me to "skip out" on things? I cant handle being there. Where my problem is alive and thriving. i dont want to go ANYWHERE anymore because i cant handle the depression it puts me in.

It hurts me SO MUCH to know how breakable certain friendships are. How easy it is for people to just conclude something about me and not actually go to me to confirm it.

I cant tell you how much i want to just shout "ALRIGHT! I GIVE UP! JUST PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! LEAVE ME BE!" not like i was fighting for anything anyway, except maybe my sanity and humanity.

but honestly.

im drowning. and i have NO IDEA what im supposed to do to save myself.

ive given up with a lot of things, ive handed over a lot of friends and sanctuaries just for some peace.

but its not coming.


i hate depression.

1 comment:

Adam S. said...

I hope i havent fallen into the category of friends whove turned on you +C

i love you and still want to maintain our friendship