Tuesday, May 26, 2009

hmph

Life is bugging me.


i honestly want to just leave and start a new life. start fresh. no histories, no pasts, no grudges, no judgements, no misunderstandings. just new and ONLY new.



because heres the thing.



a lot, and i mean... a LOT of people that were my "friends" think i did something i didnt do, and easily believe that im some bad person, and that im only "acting innocent when everyone knows im not" and well...


i dont want to sound stupid right now but, I AM!


people think that i stole something from someone when if anything i was trying to help them keep it! with no intentions whatsoever of having it for myself, and even when i had it for myself i tried to respect the person who had it before me as much as i could, and in a sense it sort of like... fell into my lap rather than me taking it or trying to get it.



i went through a LOT of pain over this and i continue to beat myself up, and constantly believe that i AM a bad person. and the worst part is that my friends are mad at me because they think im some heartless thief, and there are too many for me to just go up and talk to and explain things. and they are like... secretly angry with me so they will TOTALLY BS me if i try to tell them the truth.



and as far as the person who i did this to, well... supposedly they forgave me, but i still feel so much hatred from them, and it doesnt help that i dont want to go anywhere anymore because i dont have many friends anymore. i mean... i know i did something wrong and hurtful, but i dont believe that things should have blown up this much.


im so over everyone being fake-nice to me, and gossipping about me, it just really sucks because no one knows the truth. not even the person who is the "victim" they refuse to believe the truth as well... the truth... i think it may be easier for them and slightly less painful to blame me for everything.



blah.


i need a girl friend i can talk to that wont be fake with me and wont think im a complete beezy and honestly, doesnt really know the other person.




im gonna admit something right now, the spring retreat was REALLY REALLY hard for me. i didnt want to go, i didnt want to be there, i cried a LOT because i felt so extremely alone. everyone was fake and like they all are siding with the other person and wont even come to me to see if it's true. and it also sucked because everyone is mad at ME when it was a 2-person thing. so the other person is barely having any troubles from this.


one of the moments there at the spring retreat, we were supposed to imagine us dancing with God, and well me and God stopped dancing and he just held me and i started crying (both on God's shoulder and physically) because the whole time i just needed someone to talk to about all the crap, and its like... everyone goes to the aid of the other person because they are the victim, but then its like... what, am i heartless? do i not feel guilt? or shame? do i not feel sorry? do i not care at all about that person and the fact that i, ME, I hurt them so bad that they hated me for it?!? am i not aloud to make mistakes?!!!??? i guess everyone thinks so.

but yeah, God "holding me" was sort of like a theme of my time there... but i did get a lot out of it spiritually! i mean for sure! i loved it! and i felt really connected to God, it was awesome, but just... a lot of the time when we had freetime, got pedicures, etc. i felt very alone and unloved. except i felt loved by God.




im gonna admit also, that if i didnt have other good things happening right now or other good friends to keep me preoccupied, i would be depressed and i probably wouldnt leave my room, go to church, anything... i would just sleep and be lost in my unconscious world.


blah.



i feel like a completely heartless, soulless, evil person and IM the one complaining about hurting over this. i feel so freeking rediculously pathetic.


im sad :[


im gonna go sleep.

4 comments:

Adam S. said...

I'm gunna keep praying for you....just because i feel like i need to, i wanna clear something up

I definitely know the situation and definitely, DEFINITELY dont find you at as much fault as it is made to look like. I actually dont find too much fault at all.

And though it might seem like a fair assumption to think that i dont see it that way (what with my position in this whole ordeal), i assure you i dont


just wanted to make that known. like i said, i prayin too

Violet said...

K have no idea what the situation is and I'm fairly certian that I don't have any connection to said person. If you ever want to go grab coffee or anything I'm only a text away :]

Summer said...

Adam, thank you for your prayers, but im not quite sure if you know the complete situation, i mean you might, but there's a LOT of different versions of what went down flowin around out there. but you might, and probably do.


but thank you.

Summer said...

and Violet, thank you very much :] it really means a lot! :]