Wednesday, December 23, 2009

i need a life.

today, and yesterday, i was on and and playing dress-up games (so ashamed) and fancy pants (not a dress-up game... its a stick-figure flash game that i like)

and i realised.... i need a life.

i mean, sure ive been sick for a few days and so ive been stuck at home trying to get better, but i need to get my butt in gear and get myself some friends. I mean, i know that i have friends, i could call a few people to hang out, and i could have fun. but as far as someone who will call ME and want to just hang out, one on one, to talk about life, boys, random stuff, our hurts, etc. all the stuff that come up in a conversation with close-friends, and i know that im in college now (still sounds weird, probably because im "not supposed to be yet") but i havent spent the night at a girls house, or had a someone over to spend the night just one on one, in i dont even know how long. its always in groups because im afraid of the awkwardness.

I mean, i know of people who go and hang out and specifically try to make friends with the "loner girl" or the girl with no friends, or whatever. but i guess i just put off this idea that im totally fine, and have all the friends i need. i guess that is the problem with being at the same church for your whole life... everyone "knows you" so they dont need to pay attention to you, or sit with you when youre alone. only the new leaders do that. or people who know that i have friend-issues. or if i guess i look pitiful enough, or lonely enough hah. but idk.

for a while ive been waiting and hoping for someone to text ME that they want to hang out, someone who will be persistant with ME to hang out or get in touch again, not just me texting them over and over, feeling awkward and lame because they have their group of friends that they are always with, so you feel like youre intruding.


so i have to get over that and just shove my way into peoples lives i guess, and hopefully they will accept me, and if not, well then... i dont have anything to lose i guess... if i have a reputation, its just that im musical, or that im a backstabbing beezy, so cant get worse, right?

i just need my girls back. i used to have a group of 5 girls that i would constantly hang out with, always. not always the same people, but i would definetly have a group of girls. and nowwwww... nada. honestly, i dont hang out with any girls on a regular basis whatsoever. if i saw anyone, it would be melissah, but now i only see her at new format. so really, my regular friend group would consist of Spencer, and Adam, and at New Format, i sit with Michael and Melissah.

Its interesting how someone could have countless amounts of friends, that would even come to your house every tuesday night for a small group thing, and you could call anyone of them to hang out, and then it switches to, no one at your house. never calling anyone except for spencer, and never texting anyone except for spencer, and adam if i want to see what "people are doing"


idk, maybe its just me being sick that makes me feel lonely, but whatever.

i want my new years resolution to be "to have friends"

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