Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I really need a job right now. Last week at my Monday family dinner thing, we decided to pray and try to listen to what God has for us as to why we cant find a job.

Well, through that i found out that my family has $120,000 in mortgage to still pay off because we keep having to take out equity on the house to pay for our bills. (we only had 60,000 left when my dad's business went under)

Also, my family are shareholders in owning these apartments in PB, and well... through re-doing the mortgage (a friend of ours was going to help so he makes sure we get more profit than we were before), well... he went bankrupt, and we ended up losing $800,000 in the deal. We wanted to sue him, but what is it worth to sue a bankrupt guy?

SO, at dinner last week, I decided that as soon as I get a job, I am going to give at LEAST 25% of every paycheck I get, to my parents. AND I am going to actually tithe every week as apposed to when I have extra cash in my pockets with nothing im planning to buy. Also, I'm going to donate a portion of my paychecks to charity.

I decided that I wanted to be selfless with my money as much as possible.

I mean, I'm surviving without a job, (sort of) even though I was using the money I got from my school grant, but still, it lasted me enough time for my next school year, plus, this year I don't have to buy a new car.

but still.

I need a job, because I'm not going to be getting any sort of money for another 2 months at the least! and I need to pay like $300 for school books!

The only good thing about my family being poor is that we qualify for grants and fee-waivers and such, because my classes would have cost my family $546!!! but instead, since we qualified, they only cost $5!

we are surviving, but we can't keep going like this.

I need a job
I need to provide for my family

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Stressed out!!!

Okay, so at first i wanted to have a huge birthday bash thing since its my 18th bday...

and well

my pessimism made me not because i figured no one would go.

so i decided to just have people over for cupcakes and stuff at my house after Hope For the Homeless this friday (11th)

and well...

me, not counting, made a facebook event and just clicked people who i thought might enjoy it.

I ended up inviting 43 PEOPLE!!!

and out of that 43...

24 people have CONFIRMED and most likely around 35 people are coming...

the rest of the people im waiting on are a few random people here and there, and then a bunch of small group girls.


How am i gonna feed these people?!?

How much is this gonna cost me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

How am i gonna FIT this many people in my HOUSE!

let alone keep them under control!!!

all it takes is Noah or Derek to make the whole party volume turn up. (love you guys)

my parents are going to have heart attacks! or they are going to shoot me after it is over!

oh man and the mess they are going to leave behind!?!?

how am i supposed to keep track of 35 freeking people!??

i mean, i like it cause i feel loved, but STILL!

It already was suuuuuper loud with Tuesday Group and that was like... 18 people MAX and that was on a weird day. average, would be like 7 or 8 people. and THAT was loud.

oh goodness... the testosterone.

i can feel the competitions rising already.

Monday, May 10, 2010


i feel underestimated.

i dont know why i keep saying yes. my natural instinct is to say yes to that question, but my true desire is what i haven't done for a year now.

i think people may have forgotten some things about me.


im afraid i agreed to something that i will quit soon because thats not where my heart is at. but who knows. maybe i keep saying yes because its where im supposed to be? maybe it will be a great, new experience for me?


we'll see.

sorry im so vague. this is mostly a vent post.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I want to be a leader. I want to be a worship leader again. Not just in music, but in my life. I want to input in people's lives. I want to be an intercessor for God. I want God to pour out of my heart and soul because im so overwhelmingly full of Him, and i want to pour my heart and soul into other people's hearts and souls.

I want to cry with someone about their struggles. I want to pray for someone and have them be set free. I want to hear about their problems and give advice and watch their walks with God grow with mine. I want to worship and speak into people's hearts. I want to be an example. I want to be looked up to. I want to be a woman "after God's own heart". I want God to give me gaps so i can take leaps. I want to hear his voice daily guiding me where to go. I want to wake up in the morning remembering dreams from God, or of me being with God. I want God to be so center in my life, so saturated, so thick, so full, in my life that there is no. possible. way. i could EVER forget him. that i could EVER turn away from him ever again. I love being revived, but i dont want to have to be again. I want to stay moving forward. I dont want to be idle ever again.

I am on fire.

My soul is burning of worship and my heart is filling with desire that it is about to explode.
I'm having God withdrawals. I need more worship. I need more of His voice and His hand.

i BEGGED God for ground-breaking faith today. I was begging and begging and begging for God to send His Holy Spirit to just fill my heart with passion and just make me overwhelmed.

I have worship songs stuck in my head. I keep wanting to sing "holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who Was, and Is, and Is to come." I want to cry and laugh and sing and dance. I dont want to sleep.

I always wondered if the angels by God's throne would ever get tired of singing that to God, and now i understand that NO WAY. It is a pleasure to be able to sing songs to God. It is a pleasure to be able to have even just a few words to describe God's greatness to somehow release this passion from within.

Worship is a BLESSING, not an obligation.

God has never been more real, or more beautiful in my entire life. I am so in love with God. I am so sad that some people haven't or even won't experience this amazing, indescribable feeling because they are blind or un- or mis- informed.

I have heard and seen so many stories of people being hurt by the church, or hurt by "christians" or seen so many "christians" being lame. living mediocre lives. nothing special. I mean honestly, not even I would want that if i had never seen anything different.

I wish that people didn't think that people are just christians to go to heaven, or so that we aren't afraid to die, or because it is "what everyone is doing" or because we think we are "good people"

its not about that.

I am in love with my God. I want to live my life in constant communication with Him. I want to meet with other people and talk about what amazing things God has done in my life. I want to encourage everyone around me to keep pressing towards God. I dont even want to think about what could possibly hurt Him.

THAT is christianity.

Christianity is supposed to be passion. love. faith. leaps. awe. worship. a connection. a lifestyle.

Loving God, is the only way to TRULY live.

parties, fashion, trends, celebrities, alcohol, drugs, political parties, wealth, being Hot, having sex, having a great body, being the center of many men's fantasies, those are not even CLOSE to the life you experience with God.

Ah. im ranting.

If anyone ever has questions, ask.

it can be anonymous. if you dont want me posting just give me an email and ill reply.

Ah. I have never been so full in my entire life.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I have laryngitis and I sound like a mixture between a frog, and a gross 70 year old smoker with a hole in her throat.

This is not fun.

I saw superbad for the first time last night.

It was worse than I thought it was going to be.

I kind of thought it was dumb.

It bugged me how unrealistic the cops were in the end.

I feel like it was everyone's worst movie. Michael Cera has done better, Jonah Hill has done better, Seth Rogan has done better, it just was kind of lame.

Oh but hey, im going to try to start reading the bible everyday... again...

but like... not just once a day. like... just on my off time. because i don't really have a life. and i feel like God is better than sleeping my life away.

So i had this plan a while back that i was going to read the bible cover to cover... and well... i stopped in Leviticus... because its just so dang boring! its the same rituals over and over and over and over and over just one slight difference for a certain sin. but that doesn't mean it's not thoroughly explained still.


i got to a place last night where i was able to read it, and instead of thinking how horrible it was, i started thanking God for the fact that we don't have to do that anymore. That Jesus was and is the ultimate sacrifice. and really, i mean... Leviticus is full of different types of sacrifices, so it shows how much sacrificing we would be doing if it wasn't for Jesus.

so yeah.

I'm posting this to kind of keep myself accountable.

I'm on Leviticus 5. or well... i finished it last night so i guess i'm on 6. but whatever.


i'm done with my drumstick. :[ i want more but i know ill feel worse.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

ahhhhh yes yes yes yes yes!!!!! alskfjlsdjflkdsjfweur oisduf o



yes yes yes yes yes!!!

oh my gosh i need this so much right now! my car is dying, i owe my mom hundreds of dollars in books (damn those prices to hell!)


yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!

i dont want to say how much im getting because i dont want to be rude, but its enough for a while!

this is the one of those rare times that it is great to be dirt poor.

Friday, March 5, 2010

This is amazing, and very well said.

I want to look more into this guy's beliefs and teachings and see what he has found. I still don't like capital punishment though just because i feel it's sad that that person will not get a chance to reconcile with God (if he hasn't) or to realize his blindness. but thats just my compassion speaking, i don't know whether it's just or not, but i just don't like it.



Read this. I agree completely!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

American Idol

Probably the worst background music ever for doing homework.

ah. i need sound-blocking headphones.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

You know your life sucks when...

Youve played almost every game on addictinggames.com



I am just a bit confused because before i had 6 followers, all of which were my friends. but after 2 weeks i now have 23.

And most of you seem from different countries.


Followers, how did you find my blog?


Why are you interested in it?


Do any of you know each other?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

depressing realization

I just had a depressing realization.

I havent seen any friends for 2 weeks except for one, just today.

and, only one has tried contacting me.

its really depressing.


Im watching Pretty Woman on Lifetime channel.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


ugh i hate this dream... but i just cant shake it so im gonna blog it and hopefully that will take it off of my mind.

it was a really short dream, but it was enough.

the dream before it was my birthday, we had hotdogs, at first no one showed up but then i invited a few more people and they came, then i had a crazy 50s adventure with a friend's grandparents.... weird.


oh and disclaimer, this blog is not to sound racist, or anything like that... this was my dream that i just woke up from, and doesnt depict reality.

so it starts out kind of surrounding and viewing around and over a taj mahal but not all nice... just a tan building that has those dome things on the top... so it pans around and over, and then finally comes into my brain/life so im seeing what "i" am seeing.
so theres that building, but we were in america. and we (meaning me, a friend who isnt real, and spencer, and apparantly i had a baby? so my baby) were eating lunch at a table outside of the taj mahal ish building.

so were eating lunch and hanging out while other people were eating too, and theres a radio kind of going in the background, and i said "wouldnt it suck if the wall in israel came down right now?" and i have no idea if that is something in revelation or not, but in my dream, hellll would start once the wall in israel came down. (idk if there is a wall)

but so then an earthquake started immediately, and a person that was listening to the radio around us said "it just did"

so while the earthquake is going people are screaming and freaking out and running around, leaving their stuff at their tables just running with their valuables. and i take a look up and i see a plane flying over us but it was green with like... a red yellow and orange circle at the bottom, kind of looking like it matched the cone shaped bomb it was about to drop. (it wasnt a US plane)

so people are screaming "their gonna bomb us!" "oh my god!" "their gonna kill us!"

so right when i see the plane i grab my son and my bag and start running to a place that the army has set up for emergency protocol type stuff...

so im running and i see spencer and my friend left without me and so im running to catch up to them and i finally do and i shove spencer and scream at both of them "You left me!! you actually left me! i looked around to make sure you were with me and you were gone! how could you do that? you left me!"

and then my friend just ran away and i was there with spencer, and he seemed like he kind of woke up from something and started crying and said "im sorry im sorry! i couldnt think" and then i flashed back to when he left and it showed him not being able to think about it, he just had to run.

so he was apologizing and then we ran together to the building and got in line to give our information to prove that we were safe people. but then i saw that everyone that gave their information was getting a shot and i flipped out because it wasnt just a shot, it was an injection into our blood. like on the mid-arm/elbow area where people get blood tests and ivs sometimes... yeah... you got injected there. so when it was my turn, i saw the brownish stuff and the needle (it was huge) so i asked the guy if i could step out of line and just kind of prepare myself for it because i cant handle needles... they were telling me that it was an antidote for if the terrorists try to poison all of us, that we can survive.

so i step out of line and i cant see spencer, but i know hes with me. and so my brother Jackie walks through the line (random) gets his shot and then goes, and then i get the courage to do it, so i get the shot, and then they give me a grocery cart with water bottles in it and a little cup with a peelable top which is the thing i just got injected with, but for kids 5 and under so they have to drink it...

but so the guy gave me the cart because i had a baby (it wasnt protocol, he did it to be nice), so i arranged the water bottles in a cradling manner and put my bag down in it and set my son in there, and pushed the cart through

and then i sit in a room with all these other people and lay down and i hear a radio saying "and they just injected everyone with a toxin that kills like suicide" and so im starting to get super sleepy but i think "oh no, im gonna die" and i think about how i never gave my child the cup... and i hear explosions in the distance and people crying, and it smells musty like no one has taken a shower or washed their clothes in ages, and then i "fall asleep" but really i died... and so its all black, but i hear the radio saying "and they killed everyone so that the terrorists couldnt get a hold of them first."

and then i slowly woke up...

i didnt like this dream... it was too realistic... and i didnt like that it had my son in it because well... i know that i dont have kids yet, and im not even married or anything, but i already love my future children. like i already have a protective feeling over them, and things that happen now sometimes worry me for their well being. so i really didnt like that it had a son of mine in it, in all of that chaos.

and to wonder if maybe he survived? maybe someone else didnt take the "antidote" either and took care of him, and he was able to avenge me and everyone that died that day?

but also to wonder if maybe he survived, but the terrorists got a hold of him and raised him in a hellish way beating on him because he is american and a disgrace to humanity. or raising him in evil ways and turning him into a terrible evil person.


this dream just rubbed me the wrong way.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

my car :[

has been broken for a week.

im surprised i actually survived a whole week without a car! Its crazy how before you have something, you dont feel you really NEED it... but then once you have it and its gone, then you have no clue what to do with your life.

for example.

cell phone. i was one of the latest out of all of my friends to get a cell phone, and i didnt really need it very much, i could use my friend's phones, but now that i have one, and if i leave it at home, or in my car :[ then i am panicking like crazy.

and with my car, ive only had one for a year, but seriously... its killing me not having it!

i have to go to school, and church, and all of the rest of the time, i have absolutely nothing to do.

thats why ive been on call of duty so freeking often. because i have NOTHING TO DO, and nowhere to go!

all of my friends live too far away to pick me up and go somewhere.


and, now that i dont have a job, of course its going to cost me like $500 to just have my DAD fix my car, because i need a whole new distributor because my ignition doesnt work anymore.

and like, im applying for jobs and stuff, but what am i gonna do? my family cant drive me anywhere, so how am i supposed to get a job to pay for my car, when i dont have a car to get to the freeking job!?!?


in a perfect world, a 17 year old girl could ride the bus or trolley alone without any risk whatsoever.


Saturday, February 6, 2010


Pancakes + Syrup + Powdered Sugar + Whipped Cream = a whole lot of sugar, but a whole lot of heaven!

im feelin pretty dandy thanks to that equation.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

ive gotta get my books :[

blahhh school starts tomorrow :[

i know that im starting later than a lot of schools and im lucky, blah blah blah...

but still.

my only class tomorrow is MATH. my most hated, worst understood class.

but then tuesday is English (eh,) and graphic design 110 (yayyy)

then wednesday, more math.

then thursday, more english and GD 110

then friday is Drawing 1... which hopefully is good because i really dont need that class because ive taken 3 years of art in my school, and i would much rather skip it if im learning the "fundamentals of art"


i feel like this is going to be a borrrinnnggg semester.

good thing i have an xbox hah.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

email pt. 2

the guy e-mailed me back.

i might or might not post it...

its a bit ridiculous,

i also have an almost-sent reply... but spencer says not to send it because if hes smart enough then he could send me a virus in a email.

but i have my reply saved...

and i really wanna send it.


craigslist e-mails

im getting a little fed up with the rudeness of the replies ive been getting.

i ask them a simple question and they are rude! im surprised. i mean, they are putting it up there to get money right? so why are they having such an attitude with me if i could possibly GIVE THEM MONEY.

people these days!

like i know this is little and he probably had capslock on or something, but im getting sick of people posting, and replying, in all caps! its ridiculous! and okay, i admit i overreacted (in my head) a bit more than i should have...

but i asked a question and the guy replied


so then i replied


and then there was another guy and he said


so i said:

"Wow. Don't get so pissed over a simple question.

I read the full ad. Every word. There is nothing in there about controllers not being sold seperately. You said that you wont sell the HD seperately, and i understand that fully because its hard to sell one without the other.

However, since i asked, and you replied (very rudely by the way) now i know its all or nothing. The post never said anything about that, which is why i asked.

Thank you for the insults. A flake is actually someone who repeatedly goes against their word, or unreliable. I never gave my word that i wouldn't ask you a question.

Goodluck in selling your xbox with such a turn-off of an attitude.

For all you know i could have been happy to buy the whole thing for 150 if you asked, but nevermind. You need to be nicer to people if you want them to give you money.


i think your capslock might be stuck... just fyi."

okay okay so i overreacted there too and was immature and politely chewed him out haha. but i was shocked at how pissed he was!

i promise you... all i asked was "would you sell the controller and charger thing seperately?"

and i promise (again) that there was NOTHING on his ad saying that he wouldnt, and he never said that he would only do "all or nothing"

so he is the one in the wrong, and i shouldn't be the one to punish him. but still. jeez! people's rudeness!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

eat better, summer!

okay so, i sware, im gonna die, or get diabetes, or have some sort of disease if i dont stop eating as terrible as i do!

i eat way too much crap! like im too emberassed to tell you all that ive eaten in the past few weeks.

like... i had one of my first salads all year, and all of the rest of lettuce i have is on jack in the box sandwiches.

im seriously like... scaring myself.

i saw this thing on Oprah about people who ate bad, and it didnt just effect them on the outside, but their hearts were in bad condition because there was a bunch of fat build up making it hard for the heart to beat properly.

and honestly, i wouldnt be surprised if i had that.

but recently ive just been eating sweets right and left, and right before bed, sometimes even IN BED! and i mean, i dont think im gonna die from jack in the box, but ive had some pretty crappy stuff, and i can feel myself getting hooked more than normal, and like... i almost cant stop!

so im posting this, as kind of like... an accountability thing for myself.

like i made my mom get a big tub of yogurt so that if i ever am just craving like a thing of ice cream, or sugar filled roll things, then i can eat better-for-you yogurt. i mean i know that yogurt has sugar too, but its better than cinnamon rolls at a gas station.

so hopefully im gonna eat better.

im gonna try.

i mean im not gonna be like... drinking protien shakes every day, and salads 24/7, but i mean like... eating less.... crap.

well... moreso sweets.

because i dont feel like cheez-its are life threatening.

and i looooove cheez-its.

but yeah, im trying to be healthier because

1, my sleep has been terrible lately,
2, i dont excercise.... ever. like... seriously never. which is why im seriously considering getting a 24 hour fitness card, even though its crazy expensive, just because the money will force me to go so its not a waste,
3, im addicted to Call Of Duty, so im sittin on my butt playing that all the time at friend's houses.... but then again, its like... crazy popular right now so who isnt sittin on their butts playing it?!?
4, and im eating terrible.


i need to get healthy, or well... im gonna die. or get some sort of illness that will ruin my life forever.

so if you see me with like 2 donuts at church, or buying 3 things of candy at some place, and a slurpee, and a sugar-y pastry thing like a danish or roll, just smack me across the face

(not really because ill punch you because i get furious when people smack me in the face)

but just say like "summer.. dont eat that. you'll die."

and no matter what fuss i make or "i spent my money on that!" or "i neeeeed that!" or "i havent had that in so longgg" or "im cravvinnngg itttt!" or "im a girl, certain times make me need things like this"

all of which ive used before...

but no matter what, dont let me eat it. steal it from me, throw it away,

i apologize if i get pissed.

but ill thank you later after my animal-ish cravings die down.


random note.

The Buried Life on MTV is probably one of my new favorite shows.

just fyi

oh and

Dog the Bounty Hunter is rad too. and addicting. their all a family, and their all christians, and pray before every "hunt" and try and help out the criminals on the way to jail.

so good!


sorry. hah

Sunday, January 17, 2010

chargers game + last day of work?

the title pretty much says it all.

im watching (not going to) the chargers game tomorrow, which im really excited about actually... i feel like its gonna be an intense and exciting game...

annnnd tomorrow is my last day of work...

so its gonna be awkward.... and im probably gonna have to deal with a ton of drunken football fans like i have before... fun fun.

blah. i need a job though... i have a few places in mind, so i hope that one of them will hire me... and that it wont be a hell job like this one :]

Saturday, January 16, 2010

ive decided

i want to be better at photography.

im so inspired by her i want to have her talent. i want to be able to have pictures that are so emotional and moving without any story behind them.

she is so creative and all of her little details are perfect!

i want to get to that point.


i need a good camera! like right now!

Friday, January 15, 2010


okay so sunday is my last day of work officially so its gonna be awkward working these next couple of days... but whatever.

just updating you.


apparantly the freeking financial aid office which was SUPPOSED to have been seeing how much i get from my FAFSA in about a week, just now sent me an email saying that i need to get in MORE information. it is ridiculous!!!! they should have sent me it oh, about, 4 weeks ago?!? when i sent it in!!!!!!

because now, i have to get more information, send it in, and wait freeking 6-8 weeks!!!! and by then they wont have any more money to give out!!

its first come first serve, and so i think that is just ridiculous that they took this long to tell me!

plus they send it to me on a FRIDAY... so i have to wait another couple of days to even put my information in!

im pissed.

im not being ridiculous am i? it IS lame that they took this long to tell me.


if i get this information in, i wont even know if i can even GET any money, let alone receive it, till about the beginning of march.

and by then 1, all the money will be gone, and 2, i will have to have paid for everything i wouldve needed the money for anyway,

they might as well have sent me an email saying

"we're unorganized and lazy, soooo. youre screwed. thanks though for all of your tax information and taking a ton of trips to send in a ton of annoying information... but well... we didnt tell you this on the day you sent it in, like we did for your brother, and we are SUPPOSED TO DO, so now you are up a creek. have fun being poor and stuff!"


whatever. at least im not LOSING any money right? at least not any that ive physically seen...

Monday, January 11, 2010

I Quit!

im quitting my job as soon as possible. idk if i wanna put in my two weeks or if i wanna just quit, but either way. im gone.

my manager insulted me in front of customers, and made me cry and hyperventilate and be all shaky and having anxiety issues the whole night, all because i did something that i thought we were supposed to do, but i guess i was wrong. and the whole night she was being completely rude and making up things for me to do to punish me and telling me all these different miniscule things that i was doing wrong that dont even matter anyway, and was saying things like "do this and this and this.........uh. NOW!"

so yeah.

i dont need anymore of that hell hole.

seriously, as long as ive worked there 1 person has quit every single month.

everyone in the shopping center knows how my manager is.


no more.

i dont know if i can take 3 more days of that though.

like i kind of want to go up to her and say "okay i put in my two weeks, because you insulted me in front of customers and you really offended me, and so i dont want to work for someone who is going to treat their employees that way, so im putting in my two weeks to be considerate, but if you treat me like crap again, im going to leave right then and there"

honestly, i mean sure i want them as referrals and thats no way to act, but seriously, i dont need that crap! especially in this hell week ive been having.

im so over this!

Saturday, January 9, 2010


okay so, this isnt a prayer post (for once hah)

but, i cant sleep... so.

im sad, because someone i used to look up to and miss and care about is believing and promoting something that is not true.
he has some scripture that he interprets differently, and doesnt see what he does as sin, or that his sin should be at least be attempted to be overcome.

he says things like "jesus never said love the sinner hate the sin. its more love the sinner, hate the sin within yourself"

but isnt that almost the same? i mean its not like just because you dont struggle with that specific sin, then you cant hate it?

i mean, we are supposed to be like God, and God hates sin, so shouldnt we?

i see a lot of things that he says and believes, and it just hurts to know and hear about all of these people that are misled. they are scewing the scripture to make their sin excusable or acceptable.

the person is accepted, but their sin should not.

you can accept a person without having to accept their sin as "okay" or anything like that.

why is it so easy to let things slide like that? we are supposed to build each other up, and sharpen one another. we need to keep each other accountable for what we do.

what he says is almost saying that he either 1, doesnt believe its a sin, or 2, believes its a sin, but its "none of your business"

i hate it when people say that. that their problems or sins are none of your business.


they will be none of my business if you can deal with it between just you and God, but when you need a little push in the right direction, how can i love you and not try to help you become more of who you were made to be? how can i love God, and watch someone commiting acts of hatred towards him and not do something?


i just hate the none of your business thing. or the "what i do shouldnt concern you"


do you want friends who care about you? then let me be concerned about the things you do in your life that are causing you to fall.



its crazy how someone could be such a great person to look up to, and then you find that their beliefs are so off.

oh, and by the way, i would talk to this person, and i really want to talk to this person, but im afraid that i wont have enough to back up my beliefs, or im worried that im not the one who should talk, or that anything i say will just have already been said to him,

idk, i just dont feel like im the right person to talk to him about it.

especially with the fact that he is much older than me too.


pray i find out what the heck i did to bring on all this crap, or if i didnt do anything, that God can bring me peace in knowing its not my fault and that theres nothing i can do about it.

its crazy, but i feel like theres not much more i can take, yet i still have a "bring it on" type attitude,

like... if this is God testing me, then well i still have the bring it on attitude. even through this im not giving up on God. so i hope if this is him testing me that he gets the picture soon, that through times of trial i wont abandon him.

more prayer.

okay, so i need even MORE prayer. jeez.

sorry, i just cant fix these things on my own. i would if i could, but i need God's help. and trust me, im praying too.


this time, i need more prayer, but i cant say what, because i dont want to say publicly.

and sarah, its not because i know you read this. trust me, its not because of anyone that i know that reads this.

i just dont want to disclose this publicly, or really actually to anyone right now, at least not till im a bit more over it...

but just pray.

ive officially gone into depression, and im trying really hard not to, and every now and then i get out of it, but im struggling to keep my head above water with all of this crap thats happening.

all i need now is for someone to die, and i will be officially drowning. (to keep with the head above water analogy)

Friday, January 8, 2010

ugh more prayer please.

okay, so for a while now my family has been strugging financially, and its always been just a kind of like buy the stuff that is on sale and dont spend 20 bucks for meals type stuff...

but now were getting hit really hard, and well we had about 3000 in the bank, and that was before christmas.

We my dad has 2 cars, one a big old 70s van from his youth, and one Toyota MR2 that hes had for a whiiiiile and he says is the most reliable car we have.

we also have a Cadillac (old beater car) that runs, but is pretty much dying because the whole internal computer is fried, and its just a terrible car. We cant drive it that much, but it used to be my mom's only mode of transportation.

recently my mom had to buy my sister's car for about 1000 because she needed a more reliable car because she has to go to work everyday.

now, the MR2, and the van, both are dead. at the same time. so.

all that we have is my car, my brother's car (both of which are terrible), and then my sister's old car.

we all have to go to our own places, and we need those cars.

so pray that my dad can either get those cars running, and finally just suck it up and part with his old van, and mr2 for a better car, or that they can just be running in general and we can go on living our lives in poor-ville.

so pray please.

i cant tell you how many times ive cried my eyes out over this, and my parents have prayed over our financial situation and have cried too.

we are all scared.

were thinking about renting out a room in our house, or doing a foreign exchange student, or some sort of thing for extra money, but as of right now, we arent making enough to pay our bills, and my dad has pretty much no trust in God anymore and this is just adding on to that.

so pleeeeeeease pray.

prayer please.

okay, so for the few people who read this anymore, could you pray for me?

i think i might be becoming an insomniac, if im not already.

for the past few nights ive been up till about 4 or 5 in the morning. one time i actually fell asleep at 4, but then woke up and couldnt sleep again till the sun came up. I dont know what has caused this, but my mind is just going crazy thinking about random stuff.

like not even things im worried about for the upcoming weeks or osmething ive been depressed about or anything like that. my mind has just been going and going for no reason.

like tonight i was thinking up different ways i could be proposed to someday, and im wide awake right now at 3am. i tried sleeping, tried emptying my thoughts for a half hour and i didnt get one ounce of drowsiness.

earlier today i was at adam's and i pretty much fell asleep at his house for like 2 minutes and then they woke me up but i was like dead tired so i went home, but then after driving, i was wide awake, and then i had to get ready for bed, and so im not even tired one bit.

and my mind's been going ever since.

sometimes i try to make myself tired by going on flickr or playing online games to sort of like... wear out my brain, but nothing works. i just cant fall asleep anymore, and it really scares me

my brother is an insomniac and i dont know how long its been, but he cant find any sort of cure or anything. and he's miserable, its a very sensitive subject for him and i didnt quite understand it until now.

its seriously so terrible. i cant imagine how he goes 3 days without sleep on a regular basis. im afraid of getting to that point.

pleeeeeease pray.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


For those of you who have seen it in all of it's amazingness (its my new favorite movie by far)

if youve seen it and afterwards felt bummed that the earth wasnt like that, well... i was on a hunt. because i found somewhat of a connection between Pandora (the planet the Na'vi live on) and the garden of eden. so i was wondering if there was any sort of connection, or if anyone else thought the same way as me. so i found this article

The Theology of Avatar by Scott L Smith... now if you havent seen the movie, go see it! theres no " naw ill wait till it comes out on DVD" its definitely a big screen movie because its an experience to watch. you need to be able to see the world of Pandora and the beauty of pandora up close. not on a little (or even big screen) tv. you need to be able to hear the music loud, with a screen the size of a wall. It is a BEAUTIFUL movie. no matter what youve heard, watch Avatar in theatres!

but just a warning, this article im about to post has a bit of spoilers in it. like who dies, who does this, who does that, etc.okay so i guess not a BIT of spoilers but well.. a lot...

so yeah


The Theology of Avatar
Scott L Smith

Much has been written about James Cameron's new epic Avatar... about it stunning 3D visual effects, big budget, etc., but I haven't seen much written about the theology or mythology behind it. There seems to be a subtle, maybe even sophisticated, theology behind the story.

I noticed a few things, and I wanted to jot down a few ideas:

• How does Pandora represent an prelapsarian (before the Fall) world in which Nature and Grace have not yet been divorced from each other? How does the god Eywa represent the unbroken bond between Nature and Grace? (and the Holy Spirit?)
• Are the Two Sacred Trees, the Tree of Voices (or Souls) and the Hometree, an allusion to the two trees of the Garden of Eden, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and the Tree of Life?
• Is Sigourney Weaver's character name, Dr. Grace Augustine, an allusion to Saint Augustine's Doctrine of Grace?
• What does the Second Birth of the Na'vi race say about Baptism?

The 7th day of Creation, the Sabbath, serves as a sign of the covenant--of the marriage--between nature and grace. In the beginning, God's creation was perfect: "God saw how good it was" (Gen 1:12). The Sabbath was a day to admire the goodness of creation; all our days were meant to be Sabbaths. Mankind, however, did not fulfill his covenant. Adam and Eve ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the original grace of nature was marred by man's will.

In the movie Avatar, however, a day on Pandora is no Sabbath. There's no time to admire the beauty of Pandora with all the massive, angry animals stalking around. Corporal Jake Sully takes a moment to admire the beautiful flora of Pandora, the collapsing "helicoradian," at the beginning of the movie, and ends up running for his life and jumping over the edge of a cliff to escape a "thanator."

But, the Na'vi people do live in a graced harmony with nature in two related ways:

• First, the Na'vi are capable of a neurological connection with animals through the "queue." The Na'vi can actually unite their wills with those of animals by physically connecting their neural networks (by mutual acceptance).
• Second, Dr. Grace Augustine discovers that the bio-botanical connection between all the living organisms of Pandora is far more extensive than anything known on Earth. The Tree of Voices eventually reveals the extent of this.

It's as though mankind has stumbled into a second Garden of Eden, only to fall all over again. Only, our sin isn't so "original" this time. The Corporation, which is mining Pandora's rich natural resources, serves as mankind's representative in the same way Adam did. The Corporation desires, above all things, the fruit of the Na'vi's sacred tree, the rich deposit of "unobtainium" beneath the Hometree, which also--it is said--happens to be the only thing which can keep Earth from dying.

Because of Original Sin, however, mankind cannot freely eat of Eden's Tree of Life. "Lest he put forth his hand and take also from the Tree of Life," man is barred from the Garden (Gen 3:22). The way is shut and guarded. Because of our fallen wills and polluted motivations, there is no easy, painless way to bring forth life. We must suffer to bring forth life, as with childbirth or the paralyzed Jake Sully or the Suffering Servant, who dies on the cross.

A mineral such as can be found by plundering Pandora can only delay the inevitable. It is a temptation destroying the relationship between the humans and the Na'vi, who hold the truest hope for a post-Earth mankind. Did you notice the name of the trucks which harvest that rich mineral, "unobtainium"? Did you notice the name of the human colony on Pandora? Hell trucks. Hell's Gate. It begs the question: on which side of the gate does Hell really lie?

Further, did you notice the name of the mineral: UNOBTAINium? And so it is unobtainable, like the fruit that Tantalus spends an eternity reaching for. It's the illusion, the false pursuit, that will claim your life while impoverishing you. It's the road to hell.

The Na'vi's union with nature proves that their natures are not fallen in the same way as mankind's. The story of Avatar is a story of the reunion of grace and nature. [THESIS]

The story presents this contrast between man and the Na'vi in three ways characters interact with the world around them:

1. Greatest Union of Grace and Nature: The Na'vi Communion, in which the Na'vi connect to nature and to souls directly through the "queue" (i.e. through a bio-botanical neural network);
2. Transitional Union: The Avatar, the greatest union that man can accomplish by his own power and strength, a union which only the Tree of Souls can complete;
3. Dis-Union, or Hollow Union: The AMP (Amplified Mobility Platform) suits of the army, which only mimic the union of animal and human found among the Na'vi.

Dr. Grace Augustine
So, what's in a name? There must be something going on with Dr. Grace Augustine's name. The pairing of the words "grace" and "Augustine" is an unlikely coincidence. With his Doctrine of Grace, Augustine, Doctor of the Church, has ensured that his name will always be associated with grace, the fall of man, and free will.

But what does it mean for Sigourney Weaver's character to be called Grace Augustine? Dr. Grace is portrayed as a clearly brillant woman, with many natural gifts and talents (not unlike Weaver's character in Gorillas in the Mist, Dr. Dian Fossey). As a xenobiologist, one who studies alien life, she dominates her field. She has gone further into the Na'vi culture than any human being alive. But! She ultimately fails to be taken into the Tree of Souls, and dies before her soul can be incorporated into Eywa. It is the free gift of Eywa--it is grace--which allows for the incorporation (i.e. redemption) of a soul. It cannot be earned; it cannot be gained no matter how far we can reach.

The Second Birth & Baptism
Na'vi are initiated into society by being born again: their "Second Birth." This is the Christian Sacrament of Baptism. In Baptism, we are sanctified by the grace of the Holy Spirit; our fallen natures are again united perfectly with grace; we are born again. This is why Baptism is the basis of the whole Christian life (CCC 1213).

Christians, like the Na'vi and their "queue," also have a direct link to the life of this world: the Holy Spirit, "the Lord, the Giver of Life" (Dominum et vivificantem, from the Nicene Creed). Eywa represents the Holy Spirit, by whose power Jake Sully can fully transition into his avatar and Pandora's animal life is summoned against the forces of Colonel Quaritch.

Natural Miracles
For me, this biological representation of the Holy Spirit is the most powerful part of the Avatar story, and its greatest contribution to science fiction. This piece of the story, more than any other, sparks my imagination. I suppose I'm always looking for a biological basis for God's miracles. I don't intend to dismiss miracles by physical explanations; I hope to see the whole physical world as a miracle. As Einstein said,

"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle."

Biology and all of science is God's handiwork and His laws. In the case of miracles, God doesn't violate His own laws, his own essence; He demonstrates the full potential of His Creation. Isn't it fantastic that we can ask how?"

this makes me less sad that the world isnt like pandora, because it makes me feel like i can get closer to that point, or at least feel the joy that i wished that pandora could give me of connecting with the animals and nature, etc.

i feel like even though we cant go back to the garden of eden, that we can try to unlock the mysteries and potential of the creations on earth. i mean sure, plants dont glow at night, and there arent beautiful spinny lily-pad-winged dragon fly things that light up and spin when they get scared, and sure the moss on the ground doesnt light up when you walk on it, but still! the earth has beauties of its own

i was looking at the sunset the other day, and it seriously looked crazy! id never seen anything like that, and it was beautiful. that is a treat! i mean, i feel like that is a little taste of the garden that God has left for us to enjoy for his glory. and rainbows are crazy too! i mean, random rays of light when water is in the air, like wow! and stars, and planets, and how there are pretty much constantly shooting stars in the sky, and clouds, and the sun, and crazy looking animals, and fireflies, i mean those light up,

so yeah.

just thought i would post that in case anyone else who has seen avatar feels the same way i do, and wanted to find a thing linking it.

i wonder if the director or writer is a christian... hmm.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


i have one now.


i think.

i have a few pictures up that i havent uploaded to flickr yet... if at all...

also, i have a couple new pics on flickr, im gonna upload others later, but i wanna spread it out so that i dont have a bunch of pictures at one time and then a lull so i wanna spread it out and hopefully ill have other stuff to put up by the time im done.

so yeah.