Monday, May 10, 2010


i feel underestimated.

i dont know why i keep saying yes. my natural instinct is to say yes to that question, but my true desire is what i haven't done for a year now.

i think people may have forgotten some things about me.


im afraid i agreed to something that i will quit soon because thats not where my heart is at. but who knows. maybe i keep saying yes because its where im supposed to be? maybe it will be a great, new experience for me?


we'll see.

sorry im so vague. this is mostly a vent post.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I want to be a leader. I want to be a worship leader again. Not just in music, but in my life. I want to input in people's lives. I want to be an intercessor for God. I want God to pour out of my heart and soul because im so overwhelmingly full of Him, and i want to pour my heart and soul into other people's hearts and souls.

I want to cry with someone about their struggles. I want to pray for someone and have them be set free. I want to hear about their problems and give advice and watch their walks with God grow with mine. I want to worship and speak into people's hearts. I want to be an example. I want to be looked up to. I want to be a woman "after God's own heart". I want God to give me gaps so i can take leaps. I want to hear his voice daily guiding me where to go. I want to wake up in the morning remembering dreams from God, or of me being with God. I want God to be so center in my life, so saturated, so thick, so full, in my life that there is no. possible. way. i could EVER forget him. that i could EVER turn away from him ever again. I love being revived, but i dont want to have to be again. I want to stay moving forward. I dont want to be idle ever again.

I am on fire.

My soul is burning of worship and my heart is filling with desire that it is about to explode.
I'm having God withdrawals. I need more worship. I need more of His voice and His hand.

i BEGGED God for ground-breaking faith today. I was begging and begging and begging for God to send His Holy Spirit to just fill my heart with passion and just make me overwhelmed.

I have worship songs stuck in my head. I keep wanting to sing "holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who Was, and Is, and Is to come." I want to cry and laugh and sing and dance. I dont want to sleep.

I always wondered if the angels by God's throne would ever get tired of singing that to God, and now i understand that NO WAY. It is a pleasure to be able to sing songs to God. It is a pleasure to be able to have even just a few words to describe God's greatness to somehow release this passion from within.

Worship is a BLESSING, not an obligation.

God has never been more real, or more beautiful in my entire life. I am so in love with God. I am so sad that some people haven't or even won't experience this amazing, indescribable feeling because they are blind or un- or mis- informed.

I have heard and seen so many stories of people being hurt by the church, or hurt by "christians" or seen so many "christians" being lame. living mediocre lives. nothing special. I mean honestly, not even I would want that if i had never seen anything different.

I wish that people didn't think that people are just christians to go to heaven, or so that we aren't afraid to die, or because it is "what everyone is doing" or because we think we are "good people"

its not about that.

I am in love with my God. I want to live my life in constant communication with Him. I want to meet with other people and talk about what amazing things God has done in my life. I want to encourage everyone around me to keep pressing towards God. I dont even want to think about what could possibly hurt Him.

THAT is christianity.

Christianity is supposed to be passion. love. faith. leaps. awe. worship. a connection. a lifestyle.

Loving God, is the only way to TRULY live.

parties, fashion, trends, celebrities, alcohol, drugs, political parties, wealth, being Hot, having sex, having a great body, being the center of many men's fantasies, those are not even CLOSE to the life you experience with God.

Ah. im ranting.

If anyone ever has questions, ask.

it can be anonymous. if you dont want me posting just give me an email and ill reply.

Ah. I have never been so full in my entire life.